Whose responsibility is it for taking children between parents?
Kate Langrish
Content writerIf you’re separated, do you need to drive your children to see your ex-partner? Or is it their responsibility to pick up the kids from your home? We've got help and support on this tricky topic right here.
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When you're separated, simple things can soon get pretty complicated. Like working out if it's up to you or your ex to make the journey for contact visits?
The short answer is that there's no official rule; it's not as simple as saying that the resident parent should always do it, or that the non-resident parent should always be responsible. In most cases, the fairest option is for you to share the travel time equally, although this will depend on your circumstances.
Expert Jane Robey, CEO of National Family Mediation explains all you need to know, so you can get help and support with this emotional and tricky situation.
Does your ex-partner have to make the journey if they want to see the children?
‘An ex-partner is only legally bound to pick up the children for contact and return them back to you if there is a court order in place stipulating they need to do this,’ explains Jane.
‘Even when there is a court order in place, it’s much more likely the court will make an order that shares the responsibility of facilitating contact because, after all, the contact is for the benefit of your children.
‘Whatever your feelings about your ex, your children have a right to know them and have a relationship with them.
‘Of course, it can be tricky making arrangements when you find it difficult to talk to your ex, and in these circumstances it is a good idea to try mediation.’
A mediator will be able to help you share your concerns about contact and work with you to reach an agreement about how contact can take place.
This will include:
- how and where the children are to be collected
- how long the contact with their other parent will be
- will it be overnight / weekends / during the week?
It can also cover holidays and special events like birthdays, Christmas, family gatherings, parents’ evenings with school – even down making arrangements for who will take the kids to the dentist.
Jane Robey explains that a mediator will help you to write up a Statement of Outcome of Child Arrangements together.
‘If you want or need this to become a legally-binding document in the form of a consent order, your mediated agreement can be the basis of court order which will record more formally the agreements you have made.
“More commonly, as parents with parental responsibility, it’s assumed you should be able to agree on the collection and return of your children, particularly if contact is not disputed between you both.
‘All mothers and most fathers have what is known as parental responsibility for their child, regardless of whether you live with the child or not.’
What is parental responsibility?
Having parental responsibility means the right to apply to the court to make decisions over important issues involved in bringing up the children when you and your ex cannot agree, like:
- Where the children will live
- What school the children will go to
- What religious upbringing the children will have
- What medical treatment the children will have
‘When you live together, the law assumes parents will make joint decisions and exercise their parental responsibility together in the children’s best interest,’ says Jane.
‘When you separate, the law still expects you both to continue to provide the best possible care for your children and also expects that you will continue to make joint decisions and arrangements that meet your children’s needs.
‘Exercising your rights in regard to parental responsibility effectively means making an application to court on the issues outlined earlier because you and your ex cannot agree.’
What happens if you move house or change jobs?
Making contact arrangements can throw up some practical problems as you both move on with your separate lives.
‘Where you once were able to accommodate each other’s commitments, like work or social commitments, once you separate these can become obstacles for contact.
‘In some cases, when parents separate they move away to a different town or part of the country and this means setting up a whole new plan for contact.
'While it remains your shared responsibility to make sure your children continue to have a relationship with both of you, there are practical things to consider, especially when parents live long distances apart.
‘These include financial costs, as well as a possible physical cost to children and parents, of routinely making long journeys.
‘If you end up in court on these issues the court is likely to divide the responsibility of making contact happen equally between you, emphasising your shared responsibilities.’
So what does Jane Robey’s suggest as a few ‘golden rules’ when faced with these tricky situations?
‘In practice it makes much more sense to try to be flexible, within reason, about contact arrangements and make sure your negotiations with your ex are conducted in a constructive business-like manner,' says Jane.
‘This way you should be able to develop a working relationship and routine that you can both stick to, which will help the children know what is happening.’
It can be difficult, especially when tensions are strained between you and your ex, but Jane stresses the importance of keeping your children’s interest at the forefront of your mind.
‘What children dislike more than anything is being the source of the dispute or conflict. It makes them feel as though your separation is all their fault,’ she warns.
‘If, for example, one parent has more income and fewer responsibilities, and is more able to manage the travelling then you might agree that the bulk of the travelling is carried out by one parent.
‘But if you both have similar commitments and incomes then you will need to work together to make sure the children get the most benefit.
‘In other cases it could be working shift patterns makes organising contact more complicated, and you may need to make a contact arrangement around your respective work commitments.
‘If distance is an issue, it might be more practical to have longer contact periods during school holidays and supplement that with Facetime contact because of the distance between you.
’If you live closer, it may be possible to arrange pick-up from school or midweek overnight contact, but again your priority should be how this might suit the children.
'Are they able to get on with their social lives, clubs and activities, and so on?
'And remember that as children grow up their needs change. What suited them aged five might not be right at eight or 11, for example.’
What happens if you can't agree?
It it's in the best interests of your children to see your ex-partner, you should try to come to an agreement.
Of course, this may be easier said than done if tensions between you both are starting to rise.
If that’s the case, mediation can help resolve disagreements with the guidance of a trained professional.
'Family mediators can help you reach a decision that’s fair, equitable and, above all, in the best interest of your children,’ says Jane
She adds that legal aid is still available for family mediation. You will have to find a mediator who has a legal aid contract and you will be means-tested for eligibility. If you are eligible then mediation is free of charge.
What if you refuse to drive your children to visit your partner?
‘If an ex refuses to see the children unless you meet them half way, then although you’re not legally obliged to drive or transport them unless there is a court order in place, you need to consider carefully whether this is in the best interests for the welfare of your children,’ advises Jane.
Can the courts make your partner take responsibility for collecting the children?
'If you choose not to assist in collection/return and your ex makes an application to the court for a defined contact order, my experience is that the court can make an order that requires both of you to be responsible for making contact happen,' explains Jane.
‘The court will consider each of your circumstances before making the order but the bottom line is the court will consider the welfare of the child as paramount, and will make an order that is based on the information before them that best meets the needs of the child/ren.
‘If a court order is breached, the court has the power to transfer residence of the child to the other parent if – after hearing all the evidence – it believes contact is being unreasonably obstructed and that this is detrimental to the children.
‘If the court believes that the other parent would be more flexible and make sure the contact happens this could be the outcome. This is unusual but it can and has happened.’
What if you want to make your partner legally obliged to pick up the children?
‘If the court agrees, you can get a court order to stipulate who will transport the children for contact and, if after getting an order your ex still does not pick up the children, your options are to return to court for breach of the order,’ explains Jane.
‘However, court is a slow and costly process that's adversarial in nature.
'It’s much better to find a way of negotiating or communicating with your ex to reach a shared outcome for the future.’
Does the distance matter when making contact visits?
‘Distance doesn’t matter but if you struggle to make a 300 mile round trip in a weekend, then think how it might be affecting your children,’ warns Jane.
‘Adapt your plans and arrangements so that your children get the best of you and the time you have together.
‘Negotiate different contact arrangements that fit better with your children’s needs and, above all, learn to communicate respectfully with your child’s other parent.
‘Any arrangements you can make today will need to be changed as your children grow up, so you have to be prepared to renegotiate as time goes by.’
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