The 13 types of mums and dads you meet on maternity leave
Juliet Blank
Associate EditorMaternity leave is a wonderful time to bond with your new baby. Yet it’s also a time when – thanks to the endless baby classes, playgroups and park visits – you meet lots of other new mums and dads. Some of whom, quite frankly, you may wish you hadn't come across …
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From the parenting guru who knows EVERYTHING (or thinks they do) through to the ‘never too early for wine’ mum we can't get enough of, here's our tongue-in-cheek look at the eclectic and every-so-slightly stereotyped mums and dads you’ll meet on maternity leave.
Which one do you fit into?!
1. The competitive one
The competitive parent is easy to spot. They're the one who'll casually ask you questions like, ‘so, has your baby started rolling over?’ or ‘does she have any teeth yet?’
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Don’t answer. No matter when your baby hits her milestones, the competitive one's baby will always have got there first.
2. The party parent
Likely to be a mum friend, she's spent years 'researching' where to get the best Pornstar Martini in town and she's not about to let the small matter of parenthood put that information to waste.
Watch out for mums' nights out when the rest of you are happy with a quiet night in Pizza Express, whereas she wants to go all-night clubbing.
Start making your excuses when she brings out the shots. There is nothing worse than a hangover in softplay.
3. The earth mother or father
With a baby strapped to their chest as they drink from a re-usable water bottle and cast a disapproving look at your disposable wipes. This mum or dad may have the best intentions, but boy are they smug about it.
Of course, saving the planet for future generations and teaching your baby to achieve a zen-like calm are both admirable aspirations, and we'd all like to be a bit more eco-friendly, but a little less detail about the mum's mooncup wouldn't go amiss.
Pssst ... check out our guide on how to have an eco-baby without the hassle. Just don't be smug about it!
4. The ONLY PERSON THIS IS HAPPENING TO parent
It’s really tough having a new baby. Every mum knows that. But for this mum (or dad), she is the ONLY person* whose baby doesn’t sleep/ has colic/ fusses with her milk.
Every time you see her she'll immediately launch into what her baby is – or isn’t – doing, as though she’s the only person in the world that's going through it.
It’s just a shame you’re too exhausted from your own baby not sleeping/ having colic/ fussing with her milk to tell her to zip it.
(*She's so not.)
5. The strict routine parent
Pre-kids this one probably had a job managing a team or running an office. And that trait of organising everyone and everything has now been switched to their baby.
Poor little mite.
This parent thrives on routine. From her baby’s naps to feeding times, nothing will distract from those military timings.
You'll spot them by an abrupt departure from the baby music class as it will make them late for the 11.03 nap.
6. The Insta parent
Parenting’s a breeze, right? At least it certainly looks that way from this mum or dad’s Instagram account.
They'll take endless photos of the baby with different filters and irritating hashtags like #babygram and #sleepingbaby.
Or, bleugh, #soblessed.
In reality, their baby will be yelling for milk and/or attention while one of them's taking an arty shot of the baby bottle next to their latte. #putyourbloodyphonedown.
7. The paranoid parent
‘Is this normal’? is a phrase you’ll hear from the paranoid parent EVERY day of your maternity leave.
From their baby’s bowel movements through to her weaning (‘she’ll only eat PEAR!’), the poor thing panics about everything to do with their baby.
It’s totally normal to worry – no new mum really has a clue what they are doing. However, this parent takes it to the next level and it can be pretty exhausting, especially if they get hold of your number.
Cue the endless ping of Whatsapp messages starting with the word, ‘HELP’.
8. The laidback parent
The laidback parent is completely chilled out about everything. (Nope, we don’t know how they do it, either.)
From being unconcerned about discovering a blob of baby sick in their hair through to being totally relaxed about the third night of no sleep, this is the kind of parent you secretly want to be.
A word of warning though: the laidback parent is SO relaxed, they'll make you feel like you’re a paranoid parent in comparison.
9. The manager mum
You’d think being on maternity leave would mean us mums could do what we wanted. Not if the manager mum has anything to do with it.
Not only does she over-organise her baby’s life with endless classes and playdates, she also wants to organise YOUR life.
She’ll Whatsapp you at all hours telling you what time to meet the next day or what to bring to hers for a playdate (‘Emma is bringing the cakes, so you need to bring the coffees’).
You’re so tired, you go along with it at first until you realise she is going to boss you around for your ENTIRE maternity leave.
Only one thing for it … hide!
Need advice?
Our health visitors and nursery nurses are on line Monday to Friday evenings to answer your queries on feeding, sleep and child health.
10. The Queen Bee
or King Bee, they're the ones at the baby group who know all the staff, exactly what time the tea is served and will tell you (loudly) how many biscuits you’re allowed.
‘It’s only ONE per person in case you didn’t realise …’.
Queen or King Bee mum acts like she's been there for ever, which is strange because this is their first child and he's only three months old. All the other mums will sit around and laugh at their jokes, while not daring to make eye contact. Or talk.
Our advice? Find another baby group she (or he) doesn't go to.
Hopefully they'll run into the bossy parent and they can spend their maternity leave trying to outdo each other ...
11. The know-it-all
You spend half your time Googling ‘how to get my baby to sleep’, or ‘when should I drop a nap?’ (*Shameless plug alert* - why not bookmark Netmums for advice?)
The know-it-all mum or dad, on the other hand, just KNOWS the answers. If you happen to mention you’re thinking about weaning for example, they'll jump into the conversation telling you exactly how you should do it.
Not sure how to encourage your baby to start moving? The know-it-all KNOWS and will blather on about tummy time/ strengthening exercises blah blah blah.
Bore off.
12. The one with the perfect baby
You love your baby with all your heart. But god, she screams a lot. And wakes up in the night. A LOT.
Not so the parent with the perfect baby.
Their little cherub – who will already be signed up for baby modelling BTW – is just perfect. Smiles all the time, feeds like a dream and appears to have totally skipped the ‘witching hour’ meltdowns.
You’re pleased for them, honestly* you are.
*You’re not.
13. The Lycra mum
You are frazzled from no sleep and clutch a massive coffee as you slowly push your pram around the park.
Enter the Lycra clad sporty mum. She'll trot past you with a special jogging buggy, ponytail swinging and not an ounce of baby fat left on her. If she’s not running, she’ll be on her way to the gym where her baby just LOVES the creché.
She’s exhausting to watch. And, weirdly, she makes you crave a big slice of cake.
14. The super dad
We couldn't forget the dad who rocks up to Rhyme Time with his baby slung casually under his arm.
He delights in telling everyone about the 'Code Brown' his little one produced in his nappy that morning, and while he may not know the words to any of the songs, it doesn't stop him singing along with gusto.
The only annoying thing about him is how easy he makes this parenting lark look.
First-Time Parent: The honest guide to coping brilliantly and staying sane in your baby’s first year by Lucy Atkins is a must-read for new parents. See more details here at Amazon.
Are you enjoying your maternity leave or are you finding it tough? Why not join the chat in our forum.
