Tips from other mums: helping children through the process of divorce or seperation
There's nothing like first-hand experience to draw on when you're going through one of life's challenges.
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Below you'll find advice from parents who have been through divorce or separation themselves, which they have shared with us in the Coffee House.
Specifically looking at how to help children through the process, they share their experiences, and the strategies they used to help their children through this emotionally difficult time.
"I would say be honest with your children as much as possible about what's going on when divorcing.. They pick up on things; they know if you are lying or they are being fobbed off. Not knowing what is going on will cause anxiety. At least if they know what's happening they are able to deal with it.
I would also say reassuring children is really important - reiterating that both parents love them but they don't love each other, that they will still see both parents, that although things will change, they will still be secure and safe. Let them know what is happening, and what your plans are for the near future." Posted by Natasha
"When my ex-husband and I agreed to separate, I took the children (then aged, 5, 6 and 8 years) away for a weekend camping, whilst he moved all his bits to his new home. I thought that was better than them watching him pack and leave. On returning home I told them that as Daddy and I argued so much we thought it would be better if we did not live together. I then took them to their father's flat and he explained that this was as much their home as was their home with me. They were all quite happy with this. I did not use what I thought would be emotive words, such as the word 'separation', or that he was 'leaving me' or 'leaving us'.
I was also (initially) fine about him coming into my house and staying for a time when dropping the children off. When he moved in with his girlfriend soon after this, I embraced this and treated it as a normally process, so that the children did not take it as strange or an issue. My son, who is 25 now, says that because I was so matter of fact about the separation and treated it as a normal process of life, he felt secure that everything was alright." Posted by Pauline
"When I separated and then divorced I simply made sure that my children never picked up on any bad feeling no matter what I personally thought of their dad. He had regular contact and came to my mum's house where myself and my two chidren were living at the time. I embraced his new relationship and made the children aware that I was OK and this allowed them a fruitful relationship with the lady who is now their step-mum.
Putting the needs and feeling of the children first is so important and I have seen both sides of this with my own family, and now my partner's, and I feel proud that no matter how hurt I was when I got divorced, my children remained grounded and felt loved by both their parents." Posted by Lesley
"Warring couples often don't realise that little ears are listening so try and have heated debates when children are well out of earshot (ie at someone else's house). Also, get it straight between you, if you can, what you will tell the children. When my husband left he took my LO aside and said "Daddy hurt Mummy now Daddy has to go away" so my son began to cry and said "Why did you hit my Mummy?" to which he replied "No, I didn't hit her, I said some things she didn't want to hear now I have to go away".
So then my son was scared that if HE said something I didn't want to hear, that I would send him away too. He was very insecure. So do make sure you explain things in a way that's not too upsetting if possible." Posted by Sophia
