Things mums who've had a miscarriage will know
Having a miscarriage is absolutely devastating. From the endless Googling to try and find out the cause, to uncontrollable tears and an overwhelming sense of loneliness, here are things mums who’ve lost a baby are likely to go through.
This page contains affiliate links, which means we may earn a small amount of money if a reader clicks through and makes a purchase. All our articles and reviews are written independently by the Netmums editorial team.
1 You can't stop wondering if it was your fault
If you’ve had a miscarriage, one of the first things you’ll experience is the worry that it was caused by something you did.
From drinking coffee or feeling stressed through to lifting a heavy box or that last glass of wine you had before you realised you were pregnant, you’ll be consumed by the fear it MUST have been your fault.
Cue endless Googling of ‘causes of miscarriage’ … and a wealth of inaccurate information that only adds to your pain.
It’s important to know that it’s incredibly unlikely to be anything you did.
According to baby loss charity Tommy's, if a miscarriage happens during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy it’s usually caused by problems that develop with your unborn baby.
For help and support, talk to your GP or contact the Miscarriage Association.
2 You have to pretend everything is fine
Few women usually announce they are pregnant until after the 12 week scan.
So if you miscarried before this – according to Tommy’s, 85% of miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks – it's unlikely anyone knows.
Which means you have to try and pretend everything is fine when inside you are screaming.
3 Your partner won't know what to do or say
While you go through the physical and emotional toll of a miscarriage, your partner will often feel completely helpless. He’s unlikely to know what to say, how to support you … or how to deal with his own grief.
It’s an incredibly tough time for your relationship but it’s important to try and come together to support each other.
4 You dread friends announcing their pregnancies
Chances are you know at least one other couple who’ve been trying to get pregnant at the same time as you.
And after a miscarriage you dread the moment you see their Facebook post showing their ultrasound scan and ‘we’re pregnant’ post.
It’s totally normal to find it hard to deal with. And it’s also fine to avoid them until you feel strong enough to cope with their baby chatter.
5 You cry at EVERYTHING
Miscarriage is an emotional roller coaster. Your hormones are all over the place so you may cry at the drop of a hat – anything from a TV ad to losing your keys can set you off.
You're likely to be consumed with waves of grief and loss for weeks after losing your baby. This is completely normal. But make sure you seek help if you feel you're really struggling to cope.
6 At least one person will make an insensitive remark
If and when you do tell people you’ve had a miscarriage, someone is bound to make an incredibly insensitive remark.
From 'at least you know you can get pregnant' to 'it wasn't meant to be' or ‘at least it wasn’t a real baby yet’, the often well-meaning comments can be emotionally devastating.
Talk to close friends and don't be afraid to tell them what you don't want to hear.
7 It feels like NO ONE understands
Research by Tommy’s found 85% of women who'd had a miscarriage didn't think people understood what they'd been through.
And this can make the days, weeks and months after losing your baby even harder as you struggle to cope with your loss.
There is support available so talk to your GP for advice.
And remember, your partner is going through it too – although his sadness may not be so obvious. Try to talk things through together.
8 You feel incredibly lonely
Maybe you didn’t tell anyone you were pregnant. Or maybe you’ve stopped talking about how devastated you are as you feel you are expected to have ‘got over it’ by now.
Life after miscarriage can feel incredibly lonely, often thanks to the wall of silence surrounding baby loss.
Yet with one in one in four pregnancies ending in miscarriage, the reality is there are so many other women who’ve been through the same thing. All suffering in silence. Which means ...
9 … You realise it helps to talk
The moment you tell someone you've had a miscarriage, the chances are they've had one too or know someone who has.
This support and relief that you’re not alone – and that someone else is feeling the same devastation and overwhelming loss that you are going through – can be incredibly helpful.
You can also talk to other mums in our dedicated forum for women who’ve had a miscarriage or stillbirth.
10 Seeing pregnant women can be really tough
When you’ve had a miscarriage, it seems like suddenly every other woman around you is pregnant. On the street, at work, in the supermarket … you are surrounded by women and their bumps.
And that can be SO hard to see when that should have been you.
11 You wonder when you’ll ever feel ‘normal’ again
Everyone is different – you might find you recover emotionally after a few weeks. However, you could also still be finding it hard to cope for months after your miscarriage.
Why not talk to other mums on our dedicated forum for those who’ve lost a baby. And if you are concerned you are really struggling to cope, make an appointment to see your GP.
12 You feel confused about when you can try again
For years the advice was to wait for six months before trying to get pregnant again after a miscarriage. And this only adds to the pain as many women were forced to wait.
Now evidence has shown it’s good to try again as soon as you’ve had your first period after a miscarriage.
Talk to your GP for more advice.
13 Giving yourself a break can help
Whether that's taking a day out to lie on the sofa and watch feelgood TV (we recommend Take Me Out or Peter Kay's Car Share), or treating yourself to a massage treatment, do so – and DON'T feel guilty.
Sometimes you need to put yourself first, right?
14 When you get pregnant again you may feel worried
Seeing the blue line on your pregnancy test again will fill you with a mix of joy and fear. You’re likely to spend much of the first 12 weeks feeling anxious that you’ll lose your baby again.
According to the NHS website, most women who’ve had a miscarriage are much more likely to go on to have a healthy baby rather than another miscarriage.
15 You never forget your baby
No matter how early in your pregnancy you miscarried, you'll never forget your baby.
In your heart they were your child, with a life of happiness ahead of them. And you may grieve not being able to share that with them.
You might find it helps to do something tangible in memory of your baby, for example planting a tree in your garden or lighting a candle on special days connected with your pregnancy. Some parents also have tattoos after their miscarriage, to remember their babies.
Support and advice
If you’ve had a miscarriage, contact your GP if you need help and support. You can also speak to experts at the Miscarriage Association.
How did you feel in the weeks and months after your miscarriage? Why not talk to other mums on our dedicated forum for those who’ve lost their babies.
