How to deal with tantrums in older children
As a parent, you expect your child to have tantrums when she is a toddler. So it can be a surprise to realise these outbursts don’t always stop as your child gets older.
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And if your child is struggling to control her temper or manage her emotions, it can often be challenging to know how to deal with her behaviour.
We’ve got advice on the best ways to handle her outbursts … along with how to work out what is causing her tantrums.
Start with your own behaviour
When thinking about how to deal with your child's tantrums, it can be useful to think about your own behaviour as well.
Take a moment to think about how you behave in front of your child when you're cross. Do you stay calm and in control? Do other adults around your child behave well when they feel angry or upset?
Your child will copy what she sees. To teach your child emotionally mature and adult ways of managing strong feelings, you need to lead by example and model this behaviour.
The Netmums parenting course has some great ideas of how to do this.
And if you realise you struggle to stay calm when you are cross, we've also got advice on anger management for adults.
How to help: anger management for children
Acknowledge your child’s feelings
The first step to helping your child is to understand and acknowledge how she feels and empathise with her.
No feelings are wrong - we feel what we feel. However denying our feelings or someone else’s can be harmful and make us or them feel ashamed or guilty.
The trick is to understand our feelings but not let them take control of us.
Try to understand your child’s feelings
Understanding what is driving your child’s behaviour is the key to helping her better manage her emotions. If your child is having frequent tantrums, think about what is going on in her life:
- Are things okay at school or is she struggling with the work or friendships?
- Are things okay at home or is there a lot of stress or tension?
- Have there been any recent changes in your child’s life or routine?
- Could her behaviour a bid for your attention?
- Is your child getting enough quality one-to-one time with you each day?
5 tips for helping your child
If your older child is having tantrums, the following tips might help her … and you.
1 Help her learn to calm down
In the midst of a full blown tantrum, this can seem impossible.
But by helping your child learn how to calm down, she’ll realise that doing something different can change how she’s feeling.
For example, suggest going for a walk or listening to some music together.
2 Get her to draw how she feels
If you child isn’t able to tell you how she feels in words, when she has calmed down ask her to draw a picture of how she’s feeling or what has upset her.
3 Have ‘house rules’
If your child tends to shout and kick when she’s in mid-tantrum, let her know this is not acceptable.
It’s a good idea to have clear house rules - for example, no hitting or screaming - and make sure your child knows what the rules are.
4 Show that you are calm
It’s tricky to feel calm when your child is having a meltdown.
But try taking deep breaths and then showing (outwardly at least) that you are not phased or upset by her outburst.
5 Praise her good behaviour
Make a point of praising your child when she is behaving nicely. That way she’ll learn her tantrums won’t get your attention but her good behaviour will.
If you have a teenager and are worried about her behaviour, we've also got tips for managing teen anger.
Does your child have tantrums? And if so, how do you deal with her behaviour? Why not join the chat in our Coffeehouse forum, below.
