How to cope with separation anxiety at night
Juliet Blank
Associate EditorAs well as affecting daytime routines, separation anxiety can disrupt (everyone's) sleep at night too. Here's how to deal with separation anxiety in the wee small hours
While separation anxiety can be a trying experience for both you and your little one, the NHS says that it is a normal developmental stage that almost all babies go through. After all, you've spent weeks and weeks bonding with them, day and night, so it's only natural that they start to notice and dislike when you're not there.
What age does separation anxiety start?
While it can begin as early as six months, Healthy Children says that separation anxiety usually peaks when babies are around 10 months. The clingy stage can last right up until they start school.
But, fear not – understanding what separation anxiety is and how you can help your baby through it can help all of you to cope.
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How can separation anxiety affect my baby's sleep?
It's not only in the day that your baby can panic when you are out of sight. Here's how being apart from you can affect your baby's sleep ...
Often, just as you've got your baby's sleeping sorted, along comes separation anxiety and disrupts again, causing your little one to wake up throughout the night.
Even something as simple as bedtime can be a cause of anxiety for your baby. When you leave her room, they have no way of knowing if you'll come back.
Your baby might also start waking up early. Again, this feeling of anxiety can cause your baby to wake up early and then not be able to go back to sleep. Knowing about separation anxiety can help you to understand why your child might be experiencing stress at bedtime.
How to deal with your baby's separation anxiety
It is kinder to try and manage your baby's distress in a way which does not cause them even more upset - the fear your child is feeling is very real to them.
Better Health does not recommend letting your baby cry it out, as you want them to trust that you will come back whenever you do leave.
Here are some strategies for helping your baby cope with separation anxiety at night.
- Leave the room but continue to talk or sing to your little one. Leave them for a few seconds initially then gradually extend the time so they get used to you leaving and then coming back.
- Play peek-a-boo during the day. This will help your little one learn that you can disappear but will return. You could start by covering your face with a book. When you say 'boo' make sure you're smiling and laughing.
- Play hide and seek in the room you're in. When you are hiding let your little one see you initially, then hide so they can’t, but continue to talk to them. Again greet them with smiles and laughter.
- Let her have something that smells of you. Spray your perfume on a toy to leave with them, or give them a top or t-shirt you've worn that day. Your scent may comfort your child when you're not there.
- Practice ‘bye, bye’. Say ‘bye, bye’ and wave, then go out of sight and quickly and come back. Again, smile and wave while you're leaving and come back all smiles.
- Use lift-the-flap books. These are a great way to show your baby that things can be hidden but still re-appear.
- Have extra cuddles before bed. Help your baby wind down for bed while cuddling them, singing to them or talking to them. This will help with separation anxiety and also settle them for bedtime.
Sleep training techniques to help with separation anxiety
If you think your baby or child is suffering with separation anxiety then it can be kinder to use a gradual method of sleep training rather than a technique like controlled crying.
Read about the 'disappearing chair' or gradual retreat method, the pick up, put down and no cry approach to see if any of these might suit your baby ... and you.
Is it normal for toddlers to get separation anxiety?
Some parents find that nighttime separation anxiety appears again between around 18 months and two years old. When a baby who was sleeping well starts to have sleep problems, this can be known as sleep regression.
It can be frustrating to see separation anxiety rear its head again. You may wonder whether you did something wrong if your child is experiencing sleep problems for a second time.
Rest assured, separation anxiety is completely natural for toddlers too. According to Healthy Information for Western Australians, once your toddler is a one-year-old or two-year-old, they will understand that they are a separate person to you, but may not have grasped yet that if you leave you will come back.
If your toddler is taking longer to get to sleep because of separation anxiety, the NCT recommends thinking about moving their bedtime to a later time to make sure they are tired enough to nod off.
Make sure that your toddler gets enough exercise during the day to tire them out too, and that you limit screen time before they go to bed.
Separation anxiety at night: tips from real parents
Some parents have shared their tips for coping with separation anxiety at night in the Netmums forum.
From using white noise to waiting outside your child's door, or simply waiting for this phase to pass, there are plenty of options that you can try:
- 'I used a YouTube white noise which lasted for 8 hours, just stuck on the iPad and left in his room, that did the trick, he slept until around 4' – RS4
- 'as a comfort i would play sounds of inside the womb, something I felt would comfort him. We have now gone on to sounds of the ocean which isn't far off and without fail every night within 5 minutes he's out like a light. I would 100% recommend' – Aivc41xnn
- 'At 12 months we moved her cot next to our bed with the side off (as she was constantly cosleeping but this gave us all more space!) then we put it back into her room with a bed guard when she was 18 months and she took to it much better.' – Alice B(283)
- 'I know you don't want to hear it, but it will pass. It's a normal part of development. I did my own research after night after night of no sleep and there isn't any 'right' answer of what to do or when it will end.' – Anonymous
- 'In the end we put my son to bed like normal and my husband waited at the top of the stairs to reassure him that he was still there. My son did get out of bed a few times to check that daddy was still there – which he was. After 20 minutes my son fell asleep and not one noise or cry from him.' – Lau60mkt
Chat to other parents about separation anxiety in our Netmums Coffeehouse forum below:
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