The school gate rules every parent needs to know

No hitting, no name-calling, no pushing or shoving ... the rules of the primary school playground are drummed into our children from the moment they start Reception. But did you know there are (unpsoken) rules for the parents, too? And the consequences of breaking them are WAY more serious than having to miss playtime?

First things first, let’s talk dress codes. Yes, really.

We know you were expecting to fall out of bed and grab the first semi-clean clothes to hand, but it’s not that easy.

The outfit you wear to drop your child off at school will instantly mark you out as a particular type of mum ... whether that's your intention or not.

Turn up in leggings and trainers, and you’ll be pounced on by the sporty mums who want to enrol you in their Monday morning running club.

Look vaguely trendy, and you may well be invited to join the cool mamas for their next prosecco evening.

And tempting though it may be, don’t EVER rock up at school in your pyjamas, onesie or anything else that might be considered sleepwear.

Beware the temptation of having a moan to the mum next to you about the little thug who tripped your child up at playtime yesterday.

You might think it’s a harmless comment, but you never quite know who you’re talking to. And if it turns out to be the child’s mum (or even her bestie), there’s no way you’ll be able to dig yourself out of that hole.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject, don’t even think about slagging off your child’s teacher or – worse – the headteacher, while you’re standing around at pick-up time.

They will ALWAYS be standing right behind you when you do ... eek!

It might feel as if you’re rapidly running out of safe topics of playground conversation, but another area that must never be mentioned is your child’s academic progress.

You might be absolutely bursting with pride about her SATs results, glowing parents’ evening report, or the fact she is on the highest reading level in the class. But your warm and fuzzy parental glow will be interpreted as straight-up bragging.

The same goes for mentioning any sort of achievement, whether your child has been picked for the school football team or won the tallest sunflower competition.

Nope, you’re not allowed to take pride in your child’s achievements, just in case you make someone else feel bad. Gah.

At some point, soon after your child starts school, you’ll notice a group of women at the school gates armed with clipboards and large brown envelopes.

These uber-mummies are the PTA ... and they want your help.

From baking cakes for the cake sale through to running the tombola at the Christmas fayre, you'll feel the pressure to get involved.

Offering your services is laudable, but be careful not to appear *too* willing.

By all means agree to send in your finest lemon drizzle and sign up for a half-hour stint at the fete, but unless you’re willing to sacrifice your life and soul to the school social calendar, remember that it’s OK to say no on occasion.

At some stage of your child’s primary school journey, chances are she will have a run-in with another kid – and your natural maternal instinct will be to go storming up to the other mum in the playground and make her explicitly aware that her child is a bully.

But don’t. Just don’t.

No matter how nicely you word it, no one is EVER going to take kindly to being told that their little darling is a bully.

Play by the rules and deal with it by going through the class teacher.

The final rule in the playground rule book is probably the most important. And it concerns the most emotionally charged issue to face primary school children and their parents: birthday parties.

Whether you’re planning a party for your own child or wondering who else is invited to next weekend’s soft playextravaganza, mention it in front of the wrong person – i.e. the mum whose kid hasn’t been invited – and all hell will break loose.

All seasoned primary school parents know that the safest policy is just not to mention parties EVER. Even if it means delivering your child’s invitations by MI5 agent in the dead of night.