What to do when your child won't go to school
Charlotte Thomas
Social EditorIf your child is refusing to go to school, it can be upsetting and frustrating for both of you. Here's how to find out why they don't want to go and what you can do to help them.
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We've all had days when we don't want to go to work, and most of us can remember pulling sickies in our school days, so it's understandable there'll be days when your child just doesn't feel like going to school.
The odd day tucked up on the sofa with 'tummy ache' isn't going to affect their education too much. But regularly missing school means kids will fall behind with learning and miss out on the friendships and sense of belonging school can bring.
If your child is crying, being clingy, feigning illness, having tantrums or point blank refusing to go to school, it can be distressing and frustrating for both of you.
Here's what you can do to help if your primary school child won't go to school.
What are the common causes of school refusal?
While the reasons kids don't want to go to school are many and varied, it's often because they feel worried or anxious about something happening at home or school.
Common reasons kids don't want to go to school include:
- Separation anxiety – reception-aged children in particular may struggle being away from you for long periods of time, especially if they're used to being at home with you during the day.
- Friendship problems – falling out with friends or having arguments can be incredibly upsetting for children.
- Bullying – bullying can severely affect a child's mental health and enjoyment of school.
- Starting a new school or changing schools – not knowing where to go for lunch or to the toilet, what the rules are, and having to make new friends can cause anxiety for many kids.
- Avoiding something – such as a certain lesson, getting changed in PE, a test or exam.
- Problems with teachers – there may be a particular teacher that your child is scared of or doesn't like.
- Academic issues – struggling with learning – or particular subjects such as maths or reading – can cause kids to worry and feel anxious. They may also be worried about what they have to catch up on if they've had a period of time off after illness.
- Events at home – if something big is happening at home, such as a family member becoming ill, conflict between parents or siblings, or the death of a pet, this could affect a child's willingness to go to school.
What can I do if my child refuses to go to school?
If your child doesn't want to go to school, there are a number of steps you can take to help.
Understand why your child doesn't want to go to school
Talk to your child
It's important to try and get to the bottom of why your child doesn't want to go to school. Ask them if anything's worrying them, or what it is about school that makes them not want to go.
Talk to them calmly, try not to shout or get angry as this can make them feel more anxious about going.
Don't make light of any issues, even if they seem trivial to you (such as worries about using the loo or eating lunch). Instead validate them by saying, 'I see why that's upsetting', listen to their worries and how they feel, and think about how you can come up with some solutions.
If your child doesn't want to talk about it
Talking about why they don't want to go to school can be upsetting for some children, especially if it's something they feel embarrassed about (such as being picked on) or think they'll get in trouble about (getting bad results in a test).
If your child doesn't want to talk, try the following:
- Choose your timing carefully – if your child's worked up and upset, or in the middle of enjoying a game, they're probably not going to feel much like chatting. A good time to approach it is when they're relaxed, but not distracted. Many young kids open up more at bedtime, or in the car.
- Ask them about each part of the day – lessons, break time, lunch time – and get them to rate them. This could help you find out more about what's causing the problem. For younger kids, try getting them to point at sad or happy faces instead of giving ratings.
- Keep a diary of when they refuse to go to school – see if it's worse on particular days and try and work out why that could be.
- Talk to your child's school – ask their teachers if they've noticed your child is more upset at certain times of the day, struggles in some subjects or has fallen out with friends, to help you work out what the problem is
- Think if anything has changed at home – that could be upsetting your child. For example, if a pet's ill they may want to stay at home to spend time with them, or if you and your partner are arguing they might want to stay with you to protect you.
Help your child cope with their worries about school
Once you've discovered why your child is refusing to go to school, try to come up with solutions together to help resolve the issues.
- Discuss any changes you could make at home or school to help them feel less worried – would they feel better if you dropped them off rather than going on the bus, for example? Do they need you to help more with their homework?
- Talk to the school – explain the issues and see what they can suggest to help make things better.
- Visit the GP – if your child constantly complains of feeling ill, take them to the GP to ensure their school refusal isn't down to an underlying medical issue. Headaches and feeling sick can also be caused by worry and anxiety so teach your child coping strategies, such as basic breathing techniques and mindfulness activities to help them feel calmer.
- Have a good bedtime routine – getting plenty of sleep and having a regular bedtime will mean children are less tired and will feel less irritable or anxious in the morning. Being well rested can help worries seem less of an issue.
- Have a morning routine – following a routine in the morning will help them feel more settled and less stressed about running late or forgetting things for school. Praise them for each thing they do, such as getting dressed, brushing their teeth etc.
- Have a worry journal or box – give kids a worry journal or box where they can write down any worries or anxious thoughts. You can set aside a certain time each day to go through them. Kids can often feel better just for writing them down.
Work with your child's school
Working with your child's school or teacher is one of the best ways to deal with school refusal. Your child may not want you to speak to the school but reassure them that no one else in their class needs to know.
Here's how the school can help:
- Talk to the school early – this can help you nip things in the bud before your child develops a phobia or complete aversion to school.
- Explain to the teacher what's happening – arrange a meeting to talk through your child's worries and ask the teacher for their opinions. They may have some ideas; there could be an undiagnosed learning or behavioural issue for example, or your child may benefit from extra homework, help in a certain subject, having a buddy system or someone specific they can talk to about any issues. You might find it helpful to take someone with you for support and to write down everything you want to mention before you go.
- Write down any action points – after your meeting, write down how the school has said they'll support your child and any actions you can take at home. Email it to the school so you have a record and you can both stick to it.
- Look at the school's anti-bullying policy – if your child is being bullied, ask to see the school's anti-bullying policy (it's often on their website) so you know how they'll support your child and what actions they should take.
- Keep in regular contact – keep in regular contact with your child's teacher so you can discuss how things are working out. You might be able to write to each other in your child's homework diary, for example.
- If it's been going on a long time – if your child has missed a lot of school or is really struggling, you might be able to work with the school to come up with a reduced timetable and gradually reintroduce them to attending for full days. The school might also be able to suggest additional support groups, counselling or local services that can help.
Find the best school for your child!
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Practical tips if your child is refusing to go to school
If you struggle to get your child out of the door on school mornings, try these tips:
- Use statements – say, 'when you go to school' rather than 'if you go to school' to show you expect them to go.
- Be positive – encourage your child for going to school by saying things like, 'you're being very brave going to school today' and praise them when they return.
- Don't give them a chance to say no – say 'put on your school uniform' rather than 'are you going to put on your uniform?'
- Consider having another person drop them off – your child may be less likely to refuse to go or be less distressed if they're dropped off by someone else.
- Remain calm and kind – if your child is getting upset or angry try to remain calm. Let them know you understand how they're feeling, listen to their worries but also be firm about them going to school.
Will I be fined if my child doesn't go to school?
You could be.
Children in the UK are legally required to be educated from the school term after their fifth birthday until the age of 16. They can be educated at home or in school, but if they're enrolled in a school they must go unless they're too ill or have advance permission from the school.
Depending on your local council's rules, regular school absences can result in fines, penalties and even prosecution for parents. This is usually a last resort though, and in most cases you'll be given warnings and offers of help from your school and local council first.
Find out more about the government's policy for school attendance and absence on the government website.
How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 is a must-read for all parents and can help you tackle all manner of issues. See more details here at Amazon.
Do you struggle to get your child to go to school? Chat to other parents in our forum below…
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