Netmums relationship course: learning to listen
Building (back) closeness could be as simple as spending time taking a REAL interest in what your partner has to say. Here's how...
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Welcome to session eight of Better Together – the Netmums Relationship Course. Congrats on getting so far – you're way over halfway and hopefully are starting to see some benefits from all your hard work.
The course was written in collaboration with OnePlusOne, the UK's leading relationships research organisation so it's packed with solid expert advice.
If you haven't signed up already you can have a read about what it involves and sign up here, so you'll get each instalment straight to your inbox.
And here's a sneak peek at what's coming up:
- Session one: time for a check in
- Session two: understanding yourself and your partner
- Session three: interviewing your partner
- Session four: accepting difference
- Session five: finding harmony
- Session six: accepting flaws
- Session seven: daily compliments
- Session eight: learning to listen
- Session nine: building closeness
- Session 10: learning to share
- Session 11: telling out story
- Session 12: congratulations!
But to get the most out of the course, do try to work through from start to finish without skipping any stages in between.
In this session we're looking at Principle four of successful relationships – feeling close. It goes without saying it's a super nice feeling. But how do you get (back) there if you've lost it? Let's find out...
Why feeling close matters
Feeling close to our partners is what gives us that sense of belonging, of being grounded, and able to use our relationship as a base from which to raise our children and live our lives.
Here's how one person who's completed the course summed up this feeling:
'I know I can go home....she will just listen and sympathise and that's all I want her to do. Sometimes it feels like I'm right, everyone else is wrong but at least she is on my side. The great thing is that I can do exactly the same for her. I just agree with her and tell her she's right and everything is good in the world.'
Cute, huh?
The art of listening
This next exercise aims to increase your feelings of togetherness and your sense of being a team.
The idea is to have a conversation where one of you does all the listening and the other has a chance to offload about anything they want, whether it's about work, a friend, a niggly back, anything – EXCEPT your relationship!
The result of this exercise should be that the one who is listening has made the effort to deliberately take sides with their partner. The person speaking will end up with that great feeling of being totally understood and supported by you.
Remember, the possibility that you might not even agree with their perspective really isn't the point!
Here are the rules:
1. Get the timing of the conversation right. It should be when you're both up for talking.
2. The topic should NOT be about your relationship or any disagreements you're having. Choose anything else that's on your mind.
3. Try and keep the chat to around a quarter of an hour.
4. Be interested! Don't read the newspaper at the same time or text or have the telly on or do anything that sends a message that you are not giving them your full attention.
5. Make sure you show an ‘us against them' attitude – take sides with your partner (even if you aren't sure that you agree with them.)
6. Let your partner know that you are on their side.
7. Don't try to offer a solution or give unasked-for advice.
8. Be affectionate, caring and loving.
How did that go? How did it feel being the listener and the one being listened to?
If you don't feel able to do this as a formal task with your partner (or perhaps they're not keen!) then why not just try to find an opportunity to sit and listen properly when they are talking about something that you wouldn't normally take an interest in.
What does it feel like? how do they respond?
A recap on today's tasks:
- Let your partner pick a subject (a friend, their work, their boss). Ask them questions and listen to their answers. Agree with them, nod at them, sympathise, be on their side.
- Ask if they will do the same for you. Enjoy having someone unconditionally in your corner.
It can really help to know you're not the only one that feels their relationship is rocky (despite what all the #couplegoals Facebook posts might have you believe). So check out our Better Together Relationships Course chat forum below to find out how others are getting on with the course and share relationship woes/wins...
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