Managing teen anger
Helping a teenager handle their emotions is one of the trickiest challenges a parent will ever encounter, and when violence or aggression are common responses it can be hard for parents to know what to do.
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But physical or emotional abuse can have a severely detrimental impact upon the family unit, as well as the relationships within it, so it's vital to learn how to manage anger and to get help if you're struggling to cope with an angry or violent teenager.
Teen anger
The charity Family Lives provides support and advice for parents on a variety of subjects, including teenage aggression, through its dedicated website. It's a great starting place if violent or aggressive behaviour is making your family life turbulent, unpredictable and fearful, and not only provides practical help but shows parents that they're not alone; many other parents are going through the same teenage issues. You can also take a look at the article below, which provides an overview of the problem, and explains why your teen may be feeling angry, how you can help and where you can get further advice and support.
Why are some teens so angry?
Whilst it’s true that aggression of any sort can sometimes be fuelled by exposure to verbal or physical violence, either within the home or via the media, it can also be associated with certain underlying physical or mental illnesses. Drugs, alcohol or bullying can also play a part for some families. If none of these factors apply, your teen may be struggling to cope with powerful emotions or changes to their life or body. Puberty can bring massive mood swings and confusion, as well as coinciding with the need to make huge decisions regarding career paths, education and lifestyle choices.
How can parents help?
Talking to our children as early as possible about managing their emotions and how to manage anger, and making yourself approachable and available to listen to them are positive ways to ensure frustrations don’t build up.
Looking honestly at how we ourselves deal with anger may also be necessary. Are our children mirroring the way we vent our anger and are we leading by example? Finding the root of aggression may not be easy, especially if broaching the subject could result in an outburst.
Having a friend, relative, teacher or school counsellor with you, or speaking on your behalf, might be the way forward in this situation. Writing a carefully worded letter is another option.
Teenagers sometimes respond positively if they think you can see things as they do so let them know you understand this is unpleasant for them too and you want to help. It’s important to realise it’s not wrong to feel angry at times, but there are healthy ways of expressing it.
Encourage your teen to explore what goes through their mind when they start to feel agitated. Are there triggers such as use of computer games, alcohol, drugs, or family/relationship tensions? Does their temperature rise, muscles tighten, heart rate increase etc. If they could start to recognise these signs, they may start to identify that they are about to lose control.
Taking some deep breaths, counting to ten, going for a walk, taking time out to calm down are all things to consider at this point. Regular exercise, a healthy diet and dealing promptly with unresolved issues can help too.
Dealing with outbursts of anger
When an outburst does occur, ensure your own and any other family members’ personal safety, think carefully about other small children who may be in the household too. Remove yourself if you have to and phone or call for help if necessary. Sometimes the aggression is more than just anger and what comes with it - it can be violent and scary and you may need to consider calling the police if you and your other children are caught in the middle of it.
When it’s safe for you or someone else to talk to your teen, try to stay calm and let them know that aggressive behaviour is unacceptable but you will do all you can to help them overcome it.
Seek guidance from your GP and investigate what local support might be available for you, your teen and other family members if necessary.
Getting expert help and support for teenage issues
Connexions Direct and Get Connected are both information services where young people can access information and counselling services. Young Minds can also support families and aim to improve the mental and emotional health of all young people. Asking for help may not be an easy step to take, but living under the cloud of abuse from your teen is difficult too. With guidance it is possible to alter established behaviour, as well as develop healthier responses to conflict when it does arise.
Is anger part of depression?
Sometimes outbursts of anger might be part of part of depression, you can find out more about how to help your teens depression with a Parents Guide to Teen Depression.
