When it comes to parenting we’re all learning as we go. Which is usually A-OK, until someone decides to pass comment on where they think we’re going wrong. Sigh.

Yep, anything from your baby having a dummy to the pram you’re using or the fact you’re an older, or younger, mum can prompt an unwanted judgement. And this can be from well-meaning family and friends or complete strangers.

C&G baby club’s ‘Love Don’t Judge’ campaign is shining a light on the judgements that all parents face. Because if we’re honest, it’s exhausting. Surely it would make all our lives easier if mums and dads were supported and championed instead of criticised? 

To help us get to that place, we caught up with Netmums’ Head of Parents Supporters, Tracey Stone. A registered health visitor who’s worked with hundreds of parents, Tracey shares her tips on how to deal with judgemental comments.

Here’s her advice for turning those negative moments into a positive. 

1. Comments about your parenting choices

When you have kids, you quickly find out that other people have opinions about the most surprising things. And they’re not afraid to share them with you.

A Netmums poll found 54% of parents feel judged for their lifestyle choices, including the pram they use or the childcare they’ve chosen. Sound familiar?

Tracey says:

‘If someone judges you for the type of pram you have, the first step is to think, “Why did they say it?” Is it because of their own jealousy or their own inability to provide what they want for their child? Some people will try and make another person feel bad to make themselves feel better.’

Understanding that their judgement isn’t about you at all can help you deal with it positively. But if an unwanted comment has left you feeling upset, Tracey suggests reminding yourself of your parenting superpowers.

‘Make a list in your head or write down all the things you’re doing well when it comes to raising your child’, she says. ‘It will always outweigh what you perceive might not be going so well.

'We used to get mums to write a love letter to themselves listing all the positive things they were doing. We’d then post their letter to them. It’s a lovely reminder of how well you’re doing as a mum, that you love your baby and that you’re good enough as you are.’

2. Comments about your age

There’s no getting away from it: age is a hot topic when it comes to parenting. Our poll found 27% of mums and dads feel judged because of their age. And this applies to younger and older parents. Although quite who decides what makes someone ‘older’ or ‘younger’ is beyond us!

Tracey says:

‘You can’t control what someone else thinks. It’s their opinion but it doesn’t make it right. Instead, I always say if they go low, you go high. 

‘That means if someone makes comments about you being too young to have a child say, “I’m sorry you feel like that, I love my baby”. What can they come back with? If you go low, they’ll go lower and you’ll end up calling each other names. Go high and it will leave them speechless.’

3. Comments about baby milestones 

From whether they sleep through the night to how much they weigh, you may find your baby is being judged too. Help! Nearly a third (29%) of parents polled felt they were judged on their child's development.

While much of it is likely from well-meaning friends, it can be hard to hear. So Tracey suggests looking at the bigger picture. She adds:

‘If you have a lovely friendship group it can be a really supportive place. But it could also be very unhelpful if there’s competitiveness or judgement. Your child is unique and beautiful and in fact they all do different things at different stages.

'You might have a baby who’s a bum crawler until 20 months but they’ll be able to do something different to a child who was up on their feet at 11 months. They might be starting to speak while the 11-month-old is non verbal. Every child has their sparkle in whatever area that is. I always say, “popcorn kernels are all the same but they all pop at different times”.’

Being caught on the hop by an unwanted comment can sometimes leave you feeling down. To avoid this, Tracey also suggests preparing a response ready to use if someone passes judgement.

She says: ‘Have a line ready and practice it. Something like: “Oh gosh, that’s an interesting thought. We’re doing just fine, thank you”. 

4. Comments about whether you work (or don’t!)

Ever felt judged for being a SAHM? Or noticed raised eyebrows when you say you work full time? Yep, you’re not imagining it. (Sorry.) Our poll revealed 23% of parents feel judged because of their working status. Which is pretty unfair given we’re all doing our absolute best.

‘Working (or not) is not necessarily a choice', says Tracey. 'And even if it is, it’s your choice and you don’t have to justify it.

‘If someone passes judgement about the fact you work full time, remember it’s their thought and it belongs to them. You don’t have to justify your parenting and what you’re doing to put food on the table. Have a belief in yourself.’

The same is true if you feel judged because you don’t work. ‘Don’t get defensive’, advises Tracey. ‘People can have an opinion but that doesn’t make them right. Your situation is yours, it doesn’t have to be the same as theirs.’

5. Comments about your skills as a parent

From sleep training techniques to handling those toddler tantrums, we’re all trying our best. And because kids don’t come with an instruction manual, it’s all trial and error. So being judged for what you’re doing is not ok.

If you’re on the receiving end of an unwanted comment, firstly look at who is saying it. If it’s a grandparent Tracey says:

‘A generational gap can be behind some judgements and comments. For example, “You’re making a rod for your own back, you should leave your baby to cry.” This is the sort of thing that used to be recommended but now with attachment bonding we know that’s not the right thing to do.’

If it’s another parent passing judgement, Tracey suggests a simple technique to take the sting out of any unwanted comment.

‘Often people give advice or make comments because they are wanting to share their story’, she says. ‘It might be about how they got their child to sleep through the night, or the baby routines they use that they think you should too. 

‘But did you ask for their advice? If not, then you don’t need it. Knowing that takes the power away from their comment. You can’t control what the other person says but you can control what you take onboard and how it makes you feel. For an added boost, pop a note in your purse with positive messages like, "I’m a great mum", or "who cares what they think!". 

Yes!