Assumptions are everywhere. Whether they’re about the way we parent, the partner we choose or how old we are – someone, somewhere is bound to have an opinion.

Sometimes, it’s really obvious when someone’s made an assumption about the way we’re living our lives as parents. And if we’re being honest, we’ve probably made one or two ourselves, whether we’ve realised it or not.

If any of this is feeling just a little too familiar, don’t worry, you’re certainly not alone. Research* shows four out of five parents have felt judged on their parenting skills.

And according to a survey by C&G baby club, these judgements cover everything from your sexual orientation to your age.

As parents, however, we all want the same thing, and that’s the freedom to follow our instincts and do what comes naturally when it comes to raising our children. Unsolicited advice and expressions of judgement have no place on anyone’s parenting journey.

And that’s why we’re supporting C&G baby club’s ‘Love Don’t Judge’ campaign. #LoveDontJudge is all about celebrating every parent and family, whatever their dynamic.

According to C&G baby club, there’s only one way to raise a happy healthy baby, and that’s your way.

Here are our top tips for calling time on parental judgement.

1. If someone asks an inappropriate question, call them on it

As parents it sometimes feels as though we can’t go anywhere without someone asking an inappropriate question. Whether it’s a same sex couple being asked ‘who does the mum stuff?’, or asking a parent why on earth they’d want to share parental leave with their partner, some questions just shouldn't be asked. Ever.

It is worth bearing in mind that questions like these are often asked completely innocently. There’s no intention to hurt feelings, and it’s often just a case of good old-fashioned curiosity. However, they can feel incredibly invasive, and lead parents to question the decisions they’re making.

That’s why it’s important to tell someone when their questions or comments make you feel uncomfortable. Whilst it might feel a little awkward, it doesn’t have to be confrontational. After all, an open discussion means sharing knowledge (and reducing judgement).

2. Your judgements are about you, not the people you're judging

There’s nothing like a touch of self-reflection to address your own behaviours. Nobody’s perfect, and there may be times when you find  yourself inwardly questioning why another parent is doing something, or why they’re doing it a certain way.  

But here’s the thing; it’s not about them, it’s about YOU. Netmums expert clinical psychologist Linda Blair says,

‘Asking yourself why you’re judging someone else can sometimes be a wake-up call for you.

‘The reason you are so alert to what the other person is doing is that it’s probably an area you may be questioning yourself as a parent or a person.

‘When we’re confident about what we’re doing, we don’t feel the need to compare it against what others are doing

‘Being more aware of the reasons you may be passing judgement can help you focus on areas in your parenting you may want to tweak.

‘And don’t worry when you don’t do as well as everyone else. We all make mistakes as parents. We can only do our best.’

3. Understand and challenge ‘unconscious bias’

Unconscious bias happens when our own backgrounds and experiences have an impact on our decisions and opinions, and we don’t even realise it’s happening. 

It was one of the issues raised by families who took part in the C&G baby club research, as part of the #LoveDontJudge campaign. A number of families reported experiencing unconscious bias regarding what’s ‘normal’ from friends, family and even complete strangers.

This included single mums saying they get funny looks at antenatal appointments for being there on their own, rather than with a partner. Or people assuming stay-at-home dads were forced into giving up work to look after their kids, rather than actively choosing to do it.

Having the confidence to challenge other people’s views and opinions isn’t always easy. But encouraging those around you to become aware of their own unconscious bias is a powerful way to make them stop and think, and ultimately minimise the inappropriate questions or comments that might be pointed in your direction.

4. #LoveDontJudge

We all want to feel empowered as parents. And what better way to do this than by learning from other mums and dads.

‘Parenting is a moving target and as our kids mature, the way we handle particular issues has to change’, says Linda. 

‘That means we have opportunity after opportunity to make our parenting technique even better. So how do we do that? One way is to watch another parent. Maybe they have some ideas you can use.’

So whether it’s seeing another parent teaching their child table manners, or trying to manage  a public tantrum, look for the positive, or don’t bother looking at all.

Linda says, 

‘You could say, “What a great way of dealing with this, I’m going to try that.” You’ll both benefit so much from making a positive comment.’

You could open up the conversation even more. Ask parents why they approach things in a certain way, or how they’ve come to parent in the way they do.

Acceptance and learning comes from asking questions.  And, it’s another way of coming together, supporting each other, and calling time on parental judgement for good.

*Research of 1,000 parents with children aged 0-4 years old, was carried out by Censuswide between 12th-16th December 2019.