Introducing a new partner to your kids
Kate Langrish
Content writerYou’ve got a new partner … and now it’s time to introduce them to your kids. We’ve got expert advice on how to help your children adapt to your new relationship.
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Starting a new relationship following a divorce, separation or bereavement marks a new and exciting chapter in your life – but it can also raise a whole load of questions when it comes to introducing them to your kids.
When’s the right time? What should you say? Where should it be? While all family relationships can be complex, the introduction of a new partner is particularly delicate. But with some careful thought and planning, it can be a positive experience for all involved.
We’ve asked Relate Counsellor Dee Holmes to share her strategies for helping your kids adapt to the new family life …
When is the right time to introduce a new partner?
'Before you let your children meet any new partner, it’s good to be as sure as you reasonably can that this new relationship is likely to be a long term one,’ says Dee.
‘If your kids are introduced to several new partners in a short space of time, it may be confusing for them and potentially painful if things don’t work out, so it’s best to take things slow.
‘There’s no right amount of time to wait as every situation is different but it’s worth considering things such as how long ago you separated from your last partner and whether your new relationship played a part in you breaking up.
‘Your children may feel their parent is being replaced and need time to accept your relationship with your ex is over.
‘If there has been a bereavement, your children may still be grieving. Explain to them you will always love and miss your former partner but that you have met somebody else who makes you feel happy.
‘If you’ve been single for a long time, your children may have become used to the new status quo. They may be wary or equally get excited at the idea you have met somebody else.
‘The key with all of this is communication. You can be open with your children and may want to explain you are dating again to prepare them for when they meet your partner.
'It’s about balancing your child’s feelings with your own needs.’
What kind of relationship does your new partner want with your child?
Before they meet your children, you need to have a frank discussion with your new partner about their intentions and the relationship they'd like to have with them.
‘You need to know whether they want to play an active role and be a step-mum or step-dad to your child,’ says Dee. 'It may not just be your own children you need to consider.
'If your new partner also has children, you will also need to think carefully how you'll integrate them into family life, too.’
Where is the best place to introduce your partner to your kids?
It’s not a great idea for the first encounter your kids have with a new partner to be as he or she is coming out of the bathroom on a Saturday morning having stayed over at your place!
Think carefully about a good place to meet up.
'First meetings tend to work best when they’re relaxed and social, and in a neutral place,’ says Dee
‘Don’t rush it, but also don’t let it drag on – an hour or two is ideal for a first meeting.
'It can help if there are possible distractions, too, like a park or a meal, or an activity to give the meeting a focus, like a dog walk or a trip to the cinema.’
Top tips for making the first meeting a success
- Take it slowly and sensitively at first ‘Before you arrange for them to meet, talk to your children about your new partner and see how things progress,’ says Dee.
- Get your ex on board ‘At Relate we sometimes see relationships with ex partners can sour when a new partner is introduced,’ warns Dee.
- Keep it short ‘Opt a few short visits initially, followed by a few longer ones as they get to know each other.’
- Arrange an activity Whether it’s a game of football, a trip to the playground or a picnic, doing something age appropriate for your kids that you can all enjoy can be a great ice-breaker.
- Tell your partner facts about your kids ‘It’s really helpful for your partner to know a little about your children, their personalities and their likes and dislikes, before he or she meets them,’ says Dee.
- Avoid being overly affectionate with your new partner for the first few meetings ‘Regardless of their age, nothing is more likely to exclude your children and make them feel uncomfortable,’ says Dee.
- Put the kids’ first ‘Let your new partner know that if there are any signs of your children feeling upset it’s them that you’ll comfort, rather than giving your attention to your new partner.'
How your kids might feel about meeting your new partner
Introducing a new partner to your kids can often cause them to experience different fears and anxieties. How they react will depend on the exact circumstances of your separation with your previous partner. This will include:
- How recently your relationship with your child’s biological parent ended.
- How it ended – for example, did you separate or was there a bereavement?
- Why it ended and how much the children know. Did one of you have an affair for example, or did your partner walk out?
- The nature of the ending and what the children saw. Was there a lot of conflict or were you able to keep things relatively amicable?
- Whether anyone else was involved in the separation – an affair, for example. Indeed, if a relationship broke down because you met your new partner, bear in mind that your children may feel very resentful towards them.
- If your new partner has children of their own, be aware that all of the above will be things they'll need to consider, too.
What happens if my child doesn’t like my new partner?
‘Be patient – it takes time for children to get to know someone new. There's sure to be a settling-in period where everybody gets to know each other and works out how to get along,’ says Dee.
‘Most important of all, keep reassuring your child that they're still your priority. Encourage them to talk to you about their worries, concerns and other feelings on an ongoing basis.’
More help and support
Relate offers impartial, confidential and non-judgmental support for individuals, couples, families, children and young people.
You can also find plenty of support and read the experiences of other parents treading a similar path to yourself in our Coffeehouse forum. Try our Single Parents Support group and our forum specifically for Non-biological Families.
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