How to cope when you split up from your partner
A relationship break-up is always hard. And it's even tougher when you have children to think about. Here are some top coping strategies to make separating from your partner as painless as possible.
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Keep talking
There are probably many reasons why you and your partner split. And one of them could well be a lack of communication.
Once you’ve made the decision to separate, you need to prioritise good communication for the sake of your kids.
Of course, you can’t control what your partner does or doesn’t do, but you can be responsible for your own behaviour. So listening and responding calmly is a good start.
Never ask your children to be go-betweens and communicate for you. This is a time to be a grown up.
Break the news together
Sitting your children down to tell them you're splitting up can be incredibly tough. But if they're old enough to understand what's happening, it’s an important part in the separation process for all of you.
If you can, tell your children about your decision together - even if it means calling a temporary truce.
When you tell your child or children about the split, be firm but reassuring. For example, if you're certain you're going to divorce, don’t give them false hope that you’ll get back together.
Equally, reassure your child that you both still love them.
Try to be united
If you can, try to agree on what you'll say beforehand, and avoid contradicting each other or blaming each other. This will help signal to your children that, despite your relationship being over, you'll still cooperate as their parents.
And crucially, you'll both stay involved in their lives.
Be honest
If your child asks you questions, do try to answer honestly. However, be aware your child will be looking for ways that you can stay together.
Say something along the lines of, ‘Mummy and Daddy want different things from the relationship. We have tried to make things work but we can’t. We've decided to split up.’
Avoid saying things like you still love each other, but you’re not in love with each other, as that's too difficult a concept for a child to understand.
They might feel you could fall out of love with them. Instead, say you still care about each other - and reiterate to your child that a parent never stops loving their children.
Don’t give too much detail
The depth of how much you discuss with your child will depend on their age.
Teenagers will no doubt have a much better idea of how relationships work, and also will be aware of some of the problems you and your partner have encountered.
However, even they won’t really want to know if you've split up because you haven’t been having sex, or if one of you has been unfaithful. You don’t have to be untruthful, but spare the details!
Get support
When you’re going through a separation, it's important to get support from those around you.
Avoid offloading your emotions on your children, and instead talk to trusted friends and family.
You may also like to get online support, too. Talk to other parents who've been through a relationship breakdown in our Coffeehouse forum.
Also, do keep your children’s teachers or other caregivers informed. They can be supportive if your child gets upset while in their care.
Keep things civilised
This is no easy task when there are lots of emotions swirling around, but you need to find a way to communicate with your ex in a calm way. This will not only benefit your children, it will also make things easier.
Try and find techniques to help you deal with this difficult time, from talking to friends to going for counselling.
Stick to routines
To keep disruption to a minimum, try to carry on with the usual activities and daily routines. This could include going to clubs and classes as well as seeing friends and family on both sides.
It’s unavoidable that life will change now that there’s only one parent at home, but the more your routine remains stable the better.
This will help your child feel that, in spite of what's happening, they're still very much loved and that life can be reasonably normal.
Look at the situation through your child’s eyes
While you're probably worrying about the wider emotional implications and long-term effects of your new situation, your children may see things very differently.
As such, try to think about your relationship break-up through their eyes.
They might be more concerned about whether they'll still get their pocket money or whether they'll still be allowed a promised birthday party now that you're splitting up, for example.
Protect your children
Remember that your children can’t understand what you and your partner are going through. Divorce and separation are adult solutions to adult problems.
Children live in a world where saying sorry solves most problems, so this is a tough one for them to understand.
It’s only natural to feel upset about your situation, and you can’t hide your feelings. But try to protect them from your emotions, especially if you're struggling to cope with your relationship breakdown.
Instead, seek support from a friend, family member or from a counsellor, rather than your children.
Specialist help
If you’re finding it difficult to help your children cope, you may want to seek outside help. Your GP will be able to offer you support and advice, or you may be referred for specialist help from your local child and adolescent mental health service.
If they're struggling, counselling services provider Relate offers a specialist service for children and another for helping the family as a whole.
Usually, parents are the ones who need help in sorting out their differences so that they can fully support their children. You may be invited to attend some counselling sessions to help you do this.
Putting the children first - Relate’s tips for separating parents
Get planning. Relate counsellor, Christine Northam has worked with many families going through separation and divorce. She said: 'We spend so much time planning our weddings, but we often don’t put much thought into managing our separations.'
To help you, the Court and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (CAFCASS) has a free parenting plan, which helps you work out the practical issues of parenting after you separate.
Consider counselling and mediation. Christine Northam adds: 'There’s a common misconception that Relate only helps couples to stay together but we also help our clients to separate in the least painful way possible, if that’s what’s right for them.'
Counselling can provide you with space to think, feel and move on. Mediation can help you to reach agreement over finances and living arrangements, if initial discussions fail.
Don’t underestimate the loss you’ll feel, too. You didn’t invest time, energy and love in your ex for nothing. Celebrate the good bits, learn from any of the bad ones and then move on with the rest of your life.
Relate offers a range of relationship support services, including individual counselling, family counselling and mediation. Visit www.relate.org.uk to find out more.
Talk to other members going through the same issues in our Divorce and separation forum.
