How do I get my child to stay in bed at bedtime?
Juliet Blank
Associate EditorMany of us are 'blessed' with yoyo children, who just won't stay in their own bed or bedroom, at bedtime. So how do you get them to stay put? We've got the techniques and tips to help.
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Your child is safely tucked up in bed, and after a long day, you're ready to put the kettle on and relax, at last. But no sooner have you fished the teabag from the cup than you hear the pitter patter of tiny footsteps coming down the stairs.
Yep: he's out of bed again.
If it makes you feel any better, lots of parents experience the same unsettled behaviour at bedtime.
According to a US sleep study (A Nightly Bedtime Routine: Impact on Sleep in Young Children and Maternal Mood), sleep problems are one of the most common concerns of parents of young children, occurring in approximately 20% to 30% of infants and toddlers.
In fact, this same study states that sleep problems are one of the most common behavioural issues brought to the attention of paediatricians
The good news is that poor settling and sleeping can be solved by routine and consistency.
This is backed up by the sleep study mentioned above, which says:
'A bedtime routine is a common and simple behavioral intervention for sleep issues in young children, with over 90% of paediatricians recommending institution of a bedtime routine to their patients with sleep difficulties.'
Here's how to help bedtime go smoother ...
Bedtime tips; where to start
Here are some initial things to think about:
Before you start tackling your child's sleep problems, it's a good idea to keep a sleep diary for a week or two.
This will help you to look at the issues objectively, and may provide useful clues to her behaviour and patterns you might not have noticed.
For example, you might notice that she's harder to settle after eating certain foods at teatime.
Calcium has a calming effect, which is why warm milk is the perfect bedtime drink for your baby, toddler or older child – but remember that children under 12 months must only be given breastmilk or formula as a drink, not cows' milk.
If your little one has mastered the art of climbing out of her cot then the safest way to fix this is to move her into a cot bed or big bed.
How can a bedtime routine help?
If your child finds it hard to settle and stay in bed, you've probably tried all sorts of tactics to solve the problem, but rather than chopping and changing, it's important to establish a regular and consistent bedtime routine.
Following the same sequence of calming steps every night will help her to wind down and prepare for sleep and bed and give her an opportunity to wind down. That way, she'll be less likely to leap up and out of. bed once you've closed the door.
A good bedtime routine should be enjoyable, but not too stimulating, otherwise she'll be full of beans when you want her to sleep.
Switch off the TV in the hour before bedtime: research has shown that screentime changes children's brainwave patterns, making them overly alert and affecting the quality of their sleep.
Instead, try calming activities like jigsaws, colouring or reading to help your child settle. You could even introduce some relaxation exercises.
Many parents find a massage or bath using pure organic essential oils helps their children relax before bed.
Only use oils that are safe for children, such as lavender and chamomile. These oils are well-known for their soothing properties.
They can be used in the bath, in massage oil or as in an infusion in the room, but always dilute them in a carrier like olive oil or grapeseed oil (one drop per 10ml oil) or milk (one drop to 20ml milk): using them neat on the skin can cause irritation.
How to get your child to stay in bed
When you have a child who won't stay in bed, it's tempting to keep her up late in the hope that if she's really tired, she'll crash out quickly.
But if she's overtired, she'll find it even harder to settle, so try to time the bedtime routine so you're getting her ready for bed while she's still calm and happy.
If you miss the 'sleep window' you have to wait an hour for the next one to occur, so timing is crucial to avoid late, fretful bedtimes.
By looking for signs of sleepiness, such as yawning, twiddling hair or becoming more irritable or tearful, you can work out when you should be starting the bedtime routine so that she's pleasantly tired by the time you put her in her cot or bed.
Once you've got your child into her nightclothes, don't let her go back into the living room: the stimulating environment, with toys, television and other members of the family, will just enliven her again.
Instead, go straight to her bedroom, and make sure the last part of the bedtime routine takes place there, in a calm, quiet environment, with a story, kiss, cuddle and goodnight.
In your sleep diary, note the times she does settle well, what her mood was like, what you did and how she responded. You may be able to spot certain things that seem to help her go to bed without a battle.
What to do when your child gets out of bed
Even with a good bedtime routine, some children are late settlers, but there are ways to manage this.
If your child refuses to stay in bed, there are various sleep training techniques to choose from. These include:
- Controlled crying
- Gradual retreat
- Pick up/put down
- No cry
- Rapid return
Some of these are a fast fix but can be emotionally tough, while others are slower to work but gentler for you and your child.
Choose an approach that you think you can stick to: consistency is vital to success, so there's no point trying controlled crying if you can't bear to hear your child distressed.
Vicki Dawson, founder and CEO of The Children’s Sleep Charity, offers her tips:
- Once you decide on an approach, follow it for at least two weeks to give it a chance to work.
- Things may initially get worse before they get better.
- Keeping a sleep diary will help you monitor progress: reassuring you when it feels like you're going nowhere.
- It's not uncommon for children to get up a lot during the night when you introduce a new programme so don't assume it's not working.
- Stick with it – it will click eventually!
For older children, reward charts and choices and consequences work well. Reward charts can be combined with a sleep training programme.
Be prepared for your child to resist your attempts to get her to stay in bed.
It would test the patience of a saint, but keep returning your child calmly to bed, with the minimum fuss: any attention – including getting cross – is likely to make her carry on playing up, as she can see she's getting a reaction from you.
Once she realises you mean business, she'll start to co-operate.
Some parents find that the best way to get the message across is by using a stairgate across the door. This will help keep little ones safe and stop them roaming around the house.
Reasons to stick with it
It's really hard to practise tough love and teach your child to sleep, but it's in her best interests (and yours!) to get a good night's sleep so she can grow, develop and function effectively the next day.
Sleep training might seem cruel at times, but children feel more secure when there are clear, firm boundaries, consistently applied by a calm adult.
Yes, she'll push these boundaries – all part of growing up – but be reassured that you're doing the right thing in teaching her to settle in her own bed, even though the process itself can be difficult.
Let us know how you get on with these tips and techniques in our forum.
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