We’ve all been on the receiving end of comments from others in pregnancy that we wish people had kept to themselves. Whether it’s remarks about your birth choices or how you plan to feed your baby, here’s how to handle those moments WITHOUT losing your cool.

One thing you probably weren’t expecting when you found out you were pregnant was how many people have opinions … and aren’t afraid to share them.

It can often feel like a free-for-all – in person and on social media – about everything from finding out your baby’s gender through to the baby kit you’re planning to buy. (Who knew picking a cot could spark so many comments!)

And even though you’re fairly sure most of the remarks are well-intended, that doesn’t always mean they’re welcome. Which is why we’re teaming up with C&G baby club to support their Love Don’t Judge campaign to stop parental judgement ... before it starts.

This is especially important after research* found four out of five parents say they’ve felt judged on their parenting skills.

Meanwhile the pregnant women who chatted to C&G baby club said they felt people had opinions about everything from what they ate and drank through to the size of their bump or how much they exercised.

We chatted to Netmums expert clinical psychologist Linda Blair and have put together a handy guide for how to deal with other people’s opinions and questions about your pregnancy … and come out on top. After all, a happy parent means a happy baby!

1. Don’t commit

There’s a lot to think about when you’re pregnant. And for some reason, your birth plan or how long you plan to be on maternity leave seems to be on other people's minds, too.

Pregnant women who took part in the C&G baby club survey said they often felt judged about both of these decisions. But at the end of the day, you know best ... after all, it's YOUR baby.

Being non-committal in your answers is a great way of dealing with these intrusive conversations. Especially since they are asked by everyone from your grandparents to your mates.

Linda says, ‘You can listen to the other person talk about what they did or what a certain celebrity has done, but when they ask what you're planning to do I would simply say, “I’m not sure yet.”

‘You may make up your mind about what you're going to do and change it when you have your baby, so don’t back yourself into a corner. Don’t feel you have to commit yourself to a decision.’

2. Reflect the comment back

The research also found women feel judged about what they plan to buy for their baby. Yep, when it comes to prams or baby slings, everyone seems to have an opinion. And they can't wait to quiz you about your choice (and then tell you why it's wrong. Hmmm.)

If you're left feeling uncomfortable by what someone is asking you, Linda suggests asking the other person why they are posing the question. She says:

‘To reflect a question you could say, “What makes you ask that?” or, “That’s an interesting question, why do you ask?”

‘It’s a powerful technique to buy yourself time and also make sure you are reading their intent correctly.

‘You may have thought they were judging you but actually that wasn’t it at all.'

3. Talk to people you trust

Choosing who you talk to about your pregnancy is a good way to reduce the number of intrusive questions or unwanted comments. Especially when it comes to how you plan to give birth. 

‘You hear horror stories' from other parents is what one mum told C&G baby club researchers.

‘We all have a few really good friends’, says Linda. ‘They are the ones to have the soul searching conversations with. 

‘Try looking at chats with more casual acquaintances as times to learn things rather than a reflection on you and your pregnancy. If you do that, both the judging and judgement on you will be like raindrops on an oily surface and just roll straight off.’

4. Try not to get defensive

It’s natural to feel under attack when people are overstepping and making personal comments about your pregnancy.

Some of the pregnant women who spoke to C&G baby club for their campaign said they’d been asked all sorts of intrusive comments. Incredibly, some LGBTQ+ parents revealed they’d even been asked, ‘How did you do it?’ or ‘How did that happen?’

While the ideal situation is the other person educates themselves, this isn’t always going to happen. 

So if you’re asked a personal question or feel you’re being judged about your pregnancy, Linda suggests staying calm … and silent.

‘Think about a defensive creature: they tighten up’, says Linda. ‘Don’t put yourself in that situation. If you go on the attack and put the other person down, that’s when the nastiness happens.

‘Instead, don’t say a word but just let the other person talk, watch with interest and listen. Usually they will dig a hole for themselves and then, hopefully apologise.

‘If they ask, "Why aren’t you answering" you can say, "I’d rather not." That says much more than saying anything defensive. 

5. Use the comments as help, not hurt

We’ve all been there: someone has made a comment and you can’t stop reflecting on it hours later. 

Rather than dwelling on it, Linda suggests using the remark in a positive way.

‘When someone judges you and you later find yourself thinking about what they said, try using the comment as help, not hurt.

‘The fact you’re still focused on the conversation and what was said suggests you may be unsure about your own decision or choice.

‘You might want to call your midwife or a trusted family member or a friend and talk it through with them.’

Join the club!

Whether you're navigating the parental journey for the very first time, or you've already got children, C&G baby club believe in support, not judgement.

Join the club and pledge to #lovedontjudge together.

*Research carried out by Censuswide between 12th-16th December 2019.