Funky tissues on the bedroom floor: how mums should handle THOSE boy talks
It was hard to imagine when he was a teeny baby in the crook of your arm, but you always knew that eventually, the time would come when you’d have to have the ‘Big Talk’ with your son.
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Few of us are prepared for the day when it finally arrives, but when you spot the tell-tale signs of puberty in your son (stinky sports kit and crusty bed sheets – the joys!), you’ll know the time has come.
Talking to your son about puberty, sex and relationships can be painfully embarrassing – after all, most of us have never had to talk frankly about boy issues like wet dreams and boners (snigger!).
But although you might be cringing inwardly, being open and honest with your son about the things that will affect him in puberty and beyond will help make the process of growing up easier for him – and reassure him that he can talk to you when he needs to.
So how should you tackle those awkward boy subjects with your tween or teenage son?
Talking about … BO
Let's start with an easy one: the fact tween and teen boys pong a bit. So when your son hits puberty, you’ll need to get him to ramp up the personal hygiene by having a bath or shower and changing his clothes daily. Giving him an allowance to choose his own deodorant and shower gel can help him take more pride in his self-care.
And cringey though it may be, you might actually need to tell him how to wash: at this age, he needs to be giving his pits and bits a thorough soaping, not just standing under the shower.
Talking about … erections
As every mum who’s changed a nappy will testify, boys start having erections pretty much from day one. But as your son hits the tween years, he’s likely to find his bits have a life of their own.
Yep - as a conversation-starter, it's hard to think of anything trickier. Your son is probably already in that awkward / embarrassed phase (we'll overlook your own flaming cheeks), but explaining to him that unpredictable erections are a normal part of growing up, and that all boys get them – sometimes for no reason at all, thanks to the hormones racing around his body - will make him feel better in the long term, no matter how much you both squirm at the time.
Make sure he knows that if he stays calm and thinks of something else, his penis will go down after a few minutes – but if he’s worried someone might notice, he can hold a book or his jacket or school bag in front of his privates.
And don’t worry too much if you get the giggles. Having a laugh with your son about the crazy things his body is doing can actually make tricky conversations less uncomfortable for both of you.
Talking about … wet dreams
Erections don’t just happen during the day; they happen at night, too, and around the age of 11, boys start having wet dreams. This can be embarrassing for your son, so reassure him that it’s his body’s natural way of getting rid of excess semen, and not something he can control.
If you haven’t broached the subject before, it’s something you’ll need to tackle when you spot the evidence of wet dreams. Reassure him that you won’t think badly of him when it happens, and remind him that it’s extra important that he has a shower the morning after.
It’s also a good time to teach him to strip his own bed and put the sheets in the laundry basket, and even to use the washing machine, so he can sort himself out without having to tell you every time it happens.
Talking about … masturbation
Don’t be surprised if you notice your tissue boxes emptying quicker than usual – surveys have shown that boys masturbate more than girls as puberty kicks in.
Rather walk across hot coals than talk to your son about the 'M' word? We get it... but it’s important that he knows that it’s natural and normal and not something to be ashamed of – but also that he needs to be discreet about it, and to, er, clean up after himself.
Subjects like this can be excruciating, so rather than sitting down for an excruitating face-to-face, try broaching the subject as you’re going about everyday life. Dropping it into conversation when you’re doing the dishes or driving home from football can feel less awkward and intense.
Talking about … sex
It may be impossible to imagine your spotty, bum-fluff-faced tween ever ‘doing it,’ but most kids learn about sex in Year 6, and experts recommend talking to your child about it before they tackle the subject at school.
Rather than having one Big Talk, try to drip feed information to your son. Answer his questions when they arise, using age-appropriate language, and if you don’t know something, tell him you’ll look it up together. Books and websites can help get the conversation started, and you can also use examples from real life (such as friends or relatives who are pregnant) or TV to kickstart chats about sex and relationships.
As well as talking about the mechanical side of sex, make sure you talk to your son about the practical and emotional aspects too, including love and respect.
It’s especially important to make him aware of the importance of contraception, consent and how to resist pressure – and avoid putting pressure on anyone else.
Talking about … porn
The vast majority of tween and teen boys have seen porn online, and while it’s tempting to brush the issue under the carpet, it’s something you can't avoid discussing with your son, even if you don’t think he’s interested (yet!).
It’s a serious subject, so this is one talk that’s best done face to face, without distractions. Things you might want to cover include:
- The difference between porn and real life relationships.
- How men’s and women’s bodies are not the same in real life as they are in porn images and movies.
- How to avoid feeling pressured to look at porn, and not pressure anyone else into looking at it.
It’s also vital that he understands the dangers of sexting. It’s actually illegal for anyone under 18 to film or photograph themselves in an erotic pose and post it online (including on social media), or to send pictures of friends who are under 18 having sex or in sexual positions. People who are convicted of this offence go on the Sex Offenders Register – scary but true, and a powerful warning to your son about the importance of keeping private matters private.
