Finding out the sex of your baby: should you?
Some pregnant women just can't wait to find out whether they're going to have a boy or a girl. Others hide their eyes and ask not to be told at scans. Here two mums share why they did - and didn't - want to know what they were expecting.
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"Who cares?"
"I didn't want to know the sex of either of my babies.
When I was pregnant with my daughter ,a neighbour asked me what I was having. When I told her I didn't want to know, she looked at me in absolute horror and said something that made me laugh.
"How will you know whether to buy everything in pink or blue??"
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That, right there, encapsulated my reason why.
I responded with a smile, knowing it would baffle her completely, "I guess I'll buy green."
I never understood why you would want to know the sex of your baby before they were born. What does it matter?
Children are type-cast early enough, into "girls' clothes" or "boys' clothes". So many shops and websites make you search for things by sex. I know it's an easy way to organise things, but what does that make girls feel, when they prefer the "boys" toy? Or if a boy really likes pink? Doesn't it make him feel like less of a "boy"?
I didn't want to start dreaming up a future for my unborn child, based on their sex.
As much as I want my children to be able to follow their own dreams, I know that I, too, will typecast them by sex, even if I try not to.
Just by living in a society that is divided into two groups (completely ignoring all those children who are born intersex, by the way), I am bound to fall into those stereotypes at times. By choosing not to find out the sex during my pregnancies, I suppose I was trying to delay that process as long as I could.
On a more personal level, I've always liked suprises. As a child, I would always take forever to open my birthday presents, making the suspense last for as long as possible. I HATED it when my sister would blurt out what she'd bought me for Christmas in advance, or if I could guess it from the shape of the parcel.
So perhaps, at heart, whatever my baby was at birth, I just wanted it to be a lovely surprise."
"I care!"
From the minute I knew I was going to be a mum, I was completely pre-occupied with anything and everything about my baby. Every kick, every hiccup, every check up, every tweak to my due date, became the most fascinating thing in the world to me, while the rest of the universe shrank away in its comparable unimportance. I read every book, dreamt every daydream about what they might be like and the things we might do together and generally revelled in getting to know my as yet unborn child.
Finding out the sex of my children during my pregnancy, was just another aspect of my child that I was desperate to discover and delight in.
I had no sex preference either way with either of my children (despite the natural assumption with a first pregnancy that all you want is a girl, and with a second that all you want is the opposite gender to your firstborn - what a load of twaddle!).
And it definitely wasn't about wanting to know which colour babygro to buy.
What's more, I sure as hell didn't want some unknown sonographer to know something about my baby that I didn't.
With my first child I found out at my 20-week scan. With my second, thanks to the new Harmony test, I found out at 11 weeks via a simple blood test and an extra £10 spent. Both times, a medical professional knowing something about my child that I didn't was something I didn't feel comfortable with. Surely, as their mother, I should know everything there is to know?
And in neither case was finding out the sex of my child my main preoccupation at either appointment - their health and wellbeing was all I was focussed on; the sex reveal merely the cherry on the cake.
I've never really understood the, 'But don't you want a surprise,' argument. It's a surprise on whichever day you find out, whether that's your 20 week scan or B-day. And surely, meeting your child for the first time is the greatest surprise possible on the day you give birth... not what sex they are.
The biggest shock of all to me - and probably a great introduction to the downside of motherhood generally - was the freedom with which others felt free to tell me why my choice was wrong.
Two work colleagues (one, my boss) told me in my first pregnancy I was, "silly" and "ruining the best moment of all." Really?! Even if you disagree, shouldn't you keep that to yourself?
I almost feel like the "Don't Tell Me!" brigade are the ones more obsessed with the sex. By delaying the big reveal surely you're attaching MORE, rather than less, importance to it.
From the moment you conceive, your children are going to be what they're going to be. You can smooth some edges and protect them from harm but ultimately you have to accept that they are what they are. To me, finding out the gender early in pregnancy was all part of an acknowledgement of that. Learning to discover and love every aspect of my children for what they are.
