Husband loomed over me but was I unreasonable
37 answers /
Last post: 08/06/2022 at 9:03 am
So, this morning I was making a cooked breakfast, looking after the toddler cleaning up and hubby came down from bed. Saw I was struggling with multitasking but just poured himself a coffee and stood scratching his balls gasing out of the window.
I politely asked him to do a couple of things butter bread etc and things very quickly escalated to him yelling ‘what the ***** do you want me to do’ I saw red and told him not to swear or speak to me like that in front of the toddler. And twanged him on the leg with a tea towel. (I know, not a cool move 🙈)
however he just loomed over me in a really threatening way and hissed ‘don’t ever do that again’ I was actually really terrified and didn’t recognise him in that moment.
I am supposed to be getting ready for a jubilee party but I’m just so deflated I’m just laid on the bed feeling really upset.
Am I being unreasonable to think his behaviour was unfair, or was I in the wrong for the tea towel flick.
Hi,
I thought his behaviour was disgraceful, getting verbally aggressive towards you and being unhelpful when you asked for help. But you hitting him with the tea towel although seemingly a small move, that crosses the line for me. I would do something like that as a joke, when laughing with my OH but I wouldn't in an argument. If my OH then firmly told me never to do that again, yes I would be scared but I would understand it came from a place of feeling like I'd crossed the line by physically escalating?
I'm sorry to hear you were scared, hoping you were then able to enjoy your day.
Sorry that this happened, it’s never nice, especially in front of a toddler, your partner needs to understand he needs to help out, secondly if we wouldn’t swear you weren’t having the reaction you had towards him. It would have been better not to do it, but you can apologise for that. He was rude and unhelpful, you should openly have a conversation about it and maybe discuss your expectations and ask about his, clearly his behaviour tells you that something is wrong, either he had some unresolved situations in the past as his reaction is exaggerated either he needs to try and find a way to manage his angry feelings.
Just a thought …
If Johnny depp had reacted like your husband did the first time amber turd was violent towards him he probably wouldn’t have gone through years of hell.
Hey…
So, my take on this is that you have every right to be scared. You have every right to feel any emotion. However, hitting your husband was extremely disrespectful and wrong. Even if it was with a tea towel. If it was the other way round, him hitting you, you would feel far more scared- I would assume, anyway.
Perhaps this is a something that you need to talk to him about. How he made you feel in that moment when he reacted to you hitting him.
Equally, maybe he might have something to say about why he felt it was appropriate to swear at you in front of your child and what to him triggered his reaction.
I hope you managed to get to your Jubilee party, and that didn’t ruin your celebrations x
Just a thought …
If Johnny depp had reacted like your husband did the first time amber turd was violent towards him he probably wouldn’t have gone through years of hell.
Did you just compare her to Amber heard? She flicked a tee towel not punched him in the face or shat on his bed! Towel whips can hurt but i doubt the OP did it with such force. come on, that's hardly the actions of an abusive wife 😅
OP, I just asked my husband and he said if I had towel whipped him after having a couple of words he probably would have laughed and it would've broken the ice. However had he spoken to me like you say yours did, (we've had some arguments in the past and I will admit to being a bit psychotic at times 😆 and he's reacted quite harshly) I would perhaps question if it had hurt him and it was a knee jerk reaction to the pain. If this is a first time, give him the benefit of the doubt. If it happens again for seemingly nothing then maybe there is something going that you should consider. BTW, neither my husband or I are abusive to each and have been happily married for 25 years but arguments and reactions like this can happen in the early days and when the little ones are small and we're stressed. Only you know what he's really like and can judge accordingly.
Did you just compare her to Amber heard? She flicked a tee towel not punched him in the face or shat on his bed! Towel whips can hurt but i doubt the OP did it with such force. come on, that's hardly the actions of an abusive wife 😅
OP, I just asked my husband and he said if I had towel whipped him after having a couple of words he probably would have laughed and it would've broken the ice. However had he spoken to me like you say yours did, (we've had some arguments in the past and I will admit to being a bit psychotic at times 😆 and he's reacted quite harshly) I would perhaps question if it had hurt him and it was a knee jerk reaction to the pain. If this is a first time, give him the benefit of the doubt. If it happens again for seemingly nothing then maybe there is something going that you should consider. BTW, neither my husband or I are abusive to each and have been happily married for 25 years but arguments and reactions like this can happen in the early days and when the little ones are small and we're stressed. Only you know what he's really like and can judge accordingly.
i did not compare her to anyone.
Just a thought …
If Johnny depp had reacted like your husband did the first time amber turd was violent towards him he probably wouldn’t have gone through years of hell.
lol
Hi Victoria,
Please ignore the replies you’ve got so far.
What you experienced could potentially count as a Common Assault. A common assault is an incident were an individual is violent, threatens violence and/or makes another person feel there will be a violent consequence.
I’ve experienced this several times with an ex. I used the same words in the past to describe: he “loomed” over me. I felt terrified. It ruined my day, I cried, I couldn’t get over it, I felt like I was at fault.
What he was doing was intentional intimidation to make you scared, to make you fall in line, and “behave” yourself.
In reality, neither of us - meaning myself and you - were at fault. The way you’ve described the entire situation sounds like an abusive relationship. People focusing on you being at fault for twanging him with a tea towel are doing what he will do and likely already has done - blaming you for his abuse. That isn’t ok. Your actions did not justify his reaction.
Your actions DID NOT justify his reaction.
Consider calling Women’s Aid. I know that might feel like something you shouldn’t do and like you shouldn’t be there, but you can talk about this confidentially with someone who is fully trained to recognise abusive relationships and situations, rather than posting here where you will get responses from people who will make you feel like it’s normal for your partner to make you feel so scared that you need to lie down and cry. It isn’t normal and it isn’t ok.
I genuinely hope you’re ok and hope you find the support you need right now. Please feel free to DM me if you want to chat.
You should not have done that and he should not have responded the way he did. Both wrong, but he is bigger and should be aware of the effect his physical presence has on you. He should have backed away and perhaps yelled to make his point, not loomed over you. Have you had any cause to fear him in the past? If so, maybe there is more to this than this one off incident. But only you know that. I wouldn’t just leave it and move on- needs resolving with at least a minimum of conversation about what happened. you do still need to own up to being in the wrong about swatting him with the tea towel without minimizing what you did. If anyone swatted me with a tea towel in the middle of a heated argument I would feel so angry/disrespected/humiliated, no matter who it was or their size. But the impact of his behavior can not be disregarded either- don’t let it slide.
Can't believe people on here saying that flicking a tea towel is disrespectful and violent. We used to do it all the time as kids in our house and it was such a laugh...especially when it 'nipped' someone a bit too much. It's the way things have gone with people so wrapped in cotton wool and ultra pc it has become a sad world. Your action should never have provoked his reponse and my view is that he would have been aggressive to you sooner or later. He sounds a bit 'power mad'. I have known that before as a guy. I went out with a woamn once and she used to go nuts if anyone suggested giving her instructions to do anything. She was wrapped in a place of insecurity and uncertainty. Your husband reminds me of that even by his seemingly 'small' action. It is obviously 'in him' and will manifest again I am sure. A tea towl is fun and playful. Shouting in someone's face is not.
Hi Victoria
He was being Unreasonable in the way he wouldn't help you out but on the flip side you shouldn't have did what you did either.
I definitely wouldn't suggest doing that again otherwise next time he might actually snap and resort to hitting you and you won't have a leg to stand on because he say well you hit me first!
In the end then you both may just start to hit each other and you definitely don't want that line to be crossed. Its like leading by example. If you never do it again then it won't resort to this type of behaviour in the future.
You definitely need to have a conversation with him and tell him that it's also his duty to help out as well. Wait until its evening when you're both relaxing.
Hope things get resolved.
Hi Victoria,
Please ignore the replies you’ve got so far.
What you experienced could potentially count as a Common Assault. A common assault is an incident were an individual is violent, threatens violence and/or makes another person feel there will be a violent consequence.
I’ve experienced this several times with an ex. I used the same words in the past to describe: he “loomed” over me. I felt terrified. It ruined my day, I cried, I couldn’t get over it, I felt like I was at fault.
What he was doing was intentional intimidation to make you scared, to make you fall in line, and “behave” yourself.
In reality, neither of us - meaning myself and you - were at fault. The way you’ve described the entire situation sounds like an abusive relationship. People focusing on you being at fault for twanging him with a tea towel are doing what he will do and likely already has done - blaming you for his abuse. That isn’t ok. Your actions did not justify his reaction.
Your actions DID NOT justify his reaction.
Consider calling Women’s Aid. I know that might feel like something you shouldn’t do and like you shouldn’t be there, but you can talk about this confidentially with someone who is fully trained to recognise abusive relationships and situations, rather than posting here where you will get responses from people who will make you feel like it’s normal for your partner to make you feel so scared that you need to lie down and cry. It isn’t normal and it isn’t ok.
I genuinely hope you’re ok and hope you find the support you need right now. Please feel free to DM me if you want to chat.
Hi Victoria, what Lauren has said is completely spot on !
Hi Victoria,
Please ignore the replies you’ve got so far.
What you experienced could potentially count as a Common Assault. A common assault is an incident were an individual is violent, threatens violence and/or makes another person feel there will be a violent consequence.
I’ve experienced this several times with an ex. I used the same words in the past to describe: he “loomed” over me. I felt terrified. It ruined my day, I cried, I couldn’t get over it, I felt like I was at fault.
What he was doing was intentional intimidation to make you scared, to make you fall in line, and “behave” yourself.
In reality, neither of us - meaning myself and you - were at fault. The way you’ve described the entire situation sounds like an abusive relationship. People focusing on you being at fault for twanging him with a tea towel are doing what he will do and likely already has done - blaming you for his abuse. That isn’t ok. Your actions did not justify his reaction.
Your actions DID NOT justify his reaction.
Consider calling Women’s Aid. I know that might feel like something you shouldn’t do and like you shouldn’t be there, but you can talk about this confidentially with someone who is fully trained to recognise abusive relationships and situations, rather than posting here where you will get responses from people who will make you feel like it’s normal for your partner to make you feel so scared that you need to lie down and cry. It isn’t normal and it isn’t ok.
I genuinely hope you’re ok and hope you find the support you need right now. Please feel free to DM me if you want to chat.
Exactly what I would have said.
The most important part of the original post can be phrased as "I asked for help from my partner, and his immediate reaction was to swear at me and intimidate me."
That is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
I would also advise the OP to get in touch with Women's Aid.
I would also advise any poster here trying to minimise the OP's partner's behaviour, or transfer blame for the incident to the OP, to have a good think about why they are so willing to blame the woman and excuse the man.
Just a thought …
If Johnny depp had reacted like your husband did the first time amber turd was violent towards him he probably wouldn’t have gone through years of hell.
Just a thought...
The well-publicised Depp/Heard trial wasn't about whether the abuse took place, but about whether Heard had defamed Depp by mentioning it.
Personally, I think the result was not a good one for women especially.