Husband wants to leave for stupid reason
13 answers /
Last post: 10/06/2022 at 7:24 am
Apologies-it’s a long one!!
my husband and I have been together 22 years, married 10.
we have 4 kids.
about 3 years into the relationship before kids or anything I started texting a co worker. I knew he had feelings for me and the messages were flirty but nothing actually happened. I considered briefly maybe we would work as a couple but that was it.
anyway, my then boyfriend secretly read his phone and saw these messages and was very upset and angry. I went to a hotel room to get some head space, where he followed me. In the end we stayed together but for a long time after he wouldn’t allow me to have my phone and generally made me feel bad for a long time.
in the time that’s passed I’ve been the model wife, whereas he has been messaging various girls (but as nothing physical has happened he doesn’t seem to think it’s bad).
anyway anytime I get a message he has to know who it’s from, he checks my phone when I’m asleep. If I achieve anything he seems more annoyed than proud. His behaviour has changed and I don’t really understand it.
he now says he can’t live with the uncertainty that he believes something happened with me and this guy and so now (over 15 years on and 4 children later) he wants to leave and it’s my fault.
can I just ask peoples thoughts on the situation?
Im pretty sure most (not all)people throwing accusations around only do so because thats what theyve done themselves.
Id be inclined not to believe his reasons. Perhaps its just an excuse, or perhaps its actually him that has done something with one of the people he has been talking to. Youll probably never find out but dont go accepting the "its all your fault" line, if he really had a problem with it he shouldnt have stayed with you, married you, and had kids with you. its something thats changed with him thats triggered this, not you, not that that will make you feel any better.
Im pretty sure most (not all)people throwing accusations around only do so because thats what theyve done themselves.
Id be inclined not to believe his reasons. Perhaps its just an excuse, or perhaps its actually him that has done something with one of the people he has been talking to. Youll probably never find out but dont go accepting the "its all your fault" line, if he really had a problem with it he shouldnt have stayed with you, married you, and had kids with you. its something thats changed with him thats triggered this, not you, not that that will make you feel any better.
Thank you for that. It’s so helpful to get a complete outsiders opinion (:
That's crazy why now? He's probably using that as an excuse as he wants to leave or met someone or even cheated so he's bringing that up to cover him so he can go. Let him go if that's what he wants he's been tecting other people that's enough to leave you wasn't serious at first you've settled down now had kids and it's him who is texting women all these years later while you have kids etc. He's done something and using you as an excuse to go
I have to be completely honest and say that your husband is terribly controlling and manipulative. It's not okay that he has kept your phone from you/continues to check your phone even now under the pretence that he's still hung up on something that happened all of those years ago. Worse still he can do as he pleases and chat to whoever he likes!!
Tbh he is likely to want to break up with you because it's him that's been upto no good!! He's just attempting to gaslight you into believing that it's all your fault to deflect the blame from him.
It must be very hard for you to be dealing with all of this xx
I have to be completely honest and say that your husband is terribly controlling and manipulative. It's not okay that he has kept your phone from you/continues to check your phone even now under the pretence that he's still hung up on something that happened all of those years ago. Worse still he can do as he pleases and chat to whoever he likes!!
Tbh he is likely to want to break up with you because it's him that's been upto no good!! He's just attempting to gaslight you into believing that it's all your fault to deflect the blame from him.
It must be very hard for you to be dealing with all of this xx
It is
im so confused and then I’ll keep questioning myself.
He then complained I wasn’t fighting for him?
He did exactly the same thing a year ago then he said he would move on and leave it alone and now here we are.
It is
im so confused and then I’ll keep questioning myself.
He then complained I wasn’t fighting for him?
He did exactly the same thing a year ago then he said he would move on and leave it alone and now here we are.
He's manipulating you.
How do you feel on a day to day basis?
Do you ever feel like you are treading on eggshells? Are you able to do the things you would like to do in life? Or do you have to worry about what his reactions are like to things?
Does he try to control other areas of your life? Does he say nice things to you or compliment you? Or does he like to put you down?
How is he as a dad? Does he do his share?
The big question is are you happy in the relationship? Is it even worth fighting for?
My goodness - I can almost visualise the scene in your home. Your husband needs to grow a set and be honest that he wants to leave for his reasons rather than trying to blame some indiscretion that happened a long time ago. A lot of water under the bridge since then by the sounds of things and he has not been an angel himself. Could he have met someone else and be hoping that this will give him a free pass?
I honestly think you’d be better off without him, with 3 kids you don’t need the drama. He is displaying very controlling and toxic behaviours that are unlikely to change or disappear in the short term. Single parenting is not easy but at least you wouldn’t have to deal with his crap and you could focus all your energy into the kids without giving him a second thought.
Congratulations you will now be free to start your own life!!! Help him pack quick!!
He sounds like a selfish bully , you deserve better..... so don't take a word he says to heart he clearly guilty...
I had a husband like yours...Best cure 4 them is divorce them!
He sounds very controlling. He’s probably using that situation as excuse for his behaviour. Sounds like he’s met someone else. Probably others before. Guilty conscience behaviour.
Hi, after what you have written if he wants to leave then let him and help him pack.
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR HIS BEHAVIOUR.
Yes you have been together for a long time but he is controlling you over something that happend a very long time ago and that is abuse, yes you have said you have been the model wife but why should you.
When your with someone you either trust each other or it won't work, by the sounds of it he has never trusted you and uses this to control you and keep you in your place. You are worth so much more than this.
Let him go and start your life again, yes it will be hard but so worth it. When he walks out that door then change the locks and don't let him dictate to you what happens, stand strong and stand your ground and remember he still has a commitment to his children.
Once he has gone start divorce proceedings immediately, this relationship will never work and no amount of counselling will help.
You are worth so much more than how he treats you and you will realise this very quickly once on your own with your children.
Please do not feel guilty as you have done nothing wrong here at all. It is all him
It is
im so confused and then I’ll keep questioning myself.
He then complained I wasn’t fighting for him?
He did exactly the same thing a year ago then he said he would move on and leave it alone and now here we are.
He sounds quite manipulative and bordering on coercive on control. You made one mistake many years ago and he has never allowed either of you to move on, yet has married you and had children in that time. He had then proceeded to contact other women, control aspects of your life and do as he pleases. And now it's almost as though he is threatening you with leaving as he expects you to fight for him? I think you should let him go, these are all his issues xx
You are right to think this is simply an excuse to leave now that he's decided he doesn't want to be part of family life the fact he's done exactly the same and messaged other females yet he's not wrong speaks volumes how much control he has over you if you feel strong enough let him go tell him if you were wrong then he is too don't let him twist this and blame you for ending this relationship he is nassasistic that's for sure stay strong you can clearly see its an excuse to get out of the relationship don't be surprised if you discover another female in the mix on his end of all this x