Diary of a miscarriage
It's estimated that one in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Yet it's something we rarely talk about. Here, one woman shares her devastating experience of losing her baby.
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Waiting for the 12 week scan
We sat in uncomfortable plastic chairs, giggling about the fine line between drinking enough water to get a clear scan picture and drinking so much that I might pee myself if anyone pressed down too hard on my bladder.
Here we were at that magical twelve-week milestone and after today we could let go of our closely-guarded secret and tell the world that we were having a baby!
We were both giddy with excitement.
The moment we realised our baby had died
But once our names were called and we went through for the scan, it was only a moment before I realised that all was not well.
The sonographer's face said it all.
She said she was just going to fetch a doctor to take a look and panic rose up and hit me full force.
'I'm so sorry but your baby has died in the womb. We think your pregnancy ended at about ten weeks'.
Stark words. Our baby was dead.
What do you want to do next?
They gave us a choice about what we wanted to do next. Wait to miscarry naturally or have a D&C (dilation and curettage, which is a procedure to get rid of tissue in the womb).
What a choice.
They kept asking me what I wanted to do.
The truth was I didn't want to do either of those things. I just wanted to carry on carrying my baby, feeling her grow and develop, dreaming of what she would look like and be like...
I shouted and sobbed like a child.
The waiting game
After a lot of tears we decided to wait until nature took it's course and the miscarriage began naturally. And so we went home to wait.
And just a few hours later the cramps began.
It was as if once we'd had the miscarriage confirmed my body decided to let go of my baby.
And a few hours later I was in so much pain I felt I couldn't cope.
I remember looking down into the toilet bowl and seeing big clots and realising with horror that they were bits of my baby.
Stay still while I remove 'the product'
Because the pain and shock was so bad I went into hospital. It was now late at night. The ward was busy, the doctors were busy.
I was a mess.
At one point I was lying on a hospital bed shaking with the force of my tears and the doctor impatiently told me, 'Stay still. I need to remove the product.'
The product?
It's not a product. You're talking about my baby - our baby.
Empty weeks
Afterwards I waded through the days and nights feeling like an empty shell.
We hadn't told anyone about my pregnancy - choosing to announce it after the scan. And so I had to tell people in one breath that I had been pregnant and that I had lost the baby.
I felt angry, alone.
I hadn't just lost my baby but our hopes and dreams and plans for the future. And it is one of the hardest things I have been through.
No words
Then, and now, people found it hard to talk about my miscarriage. They found it hard to know what to say - to speak the words out loud.
I understood why but it made it harder and made it seem as if nothing huge had happened.
Even today - several years and one further miscarriage later - it is something that nobody talks about. Wiped out like a blip in history.
Blessed with two beautiful babies
I had two miscarriages but also gave birth to two beautiful babies. I feel lucky and blessed.
But I still think about the two babies I lost, wondering how different my life would be.
What they would be like? Would they have been two boys? (I am a mum to two girls). Why did it happen? Was it my fault - something I did wrong?
I can't answer those questions.
But I know I'll never forget.
