I am scared my husband might be Gay

He maybe gay or bi, it doesn’t matter really. What matters is that he’s being unfaithful and this is hurting you.

You have the upper hand as you know and he’s not yet aware that guy do, so you can think about what you want to do and what you can tolerate.

Theres many options available but they all need thinking through and open discussion.

You can choose to say nothing and see what happens.

you can confront him and see what happens.

you can discuss with him and open relationship but carry on as a family

or you can think about splitting up.

Whatever your thinking it doesn’t mean everyone has to know why.

Its such a hard time for you right know with this knowledge, but you know yourself best and know how you will deal with the different scenarios.

I hope you find the strength to make the choice that is right for you and your children. Take care

I’ve experienced similar. I caught my husband arranging to meet a woman and various messages between them explaining what they were going to do to each other when they met, when I was pregnant with our first child, and it continued after the baby was born. I went to the woman’s house as soon as I was allowed to drive after a C section and it was only because the baby started crying that I didn’t bang her door in! He said he felt ‘left out’ so did it. I mean I didn’t mean for him to feel this way, but working full time and going through our first successful pregnancy after 5 years of trying and a miscarriage, I thought I was including him as he came to all appointments and scans and everything. Anyway, I somehow forgave him, but I cant ever forget!

Move forward 11 years and a ‘new friend’ appeared in the middle of COVID. He have my husband some sob story and it turned out we were financing him as well as allowing him to stay on our property. He was rude and disrespectful, but my husband always stood up for him and never me. Friend left after a family bereavement and me asking him to move his stuff so I could access some of my things. I deal with stress better when I’m busy. He took offence and left. Hubby was angry with me, went to find his friend, and then announced he thought he was gay! I was devastated. I promised as asked I’d tell no one. Told him I would t be second best so decide what and who he wanted. Snooped and found he had been messaging men and was on several sites with his face as a profile. Some people we knew (barber etc) were also on there.

it’s taken me three years to ask him who and what he wants?? He keeps saying us and the family, yet I keep getting this feeling and know when he’s up to something. Each time I’ve had this feeling, he’s been back on different site, still seeking men. It’s broken me totally. Not sure I’ll ever fully get over it. Truthfully I’m now sure he is either.

I’m in limbo. I’m frightened to stay and get hurt again and again, but frightened to leave and break up our family. I have little trust left and truthful some days I don’t know how I feel about it all or if I can truly get over it.

Sorry I can’t really give you advice as I’m still battling this myself. Thinking of you though as I do know how it feels.x

Hi Nikki,

Depends on the fantasies he is asking for,

you may have the solution. Could it be that some fantasies is only able to ask another man as many married man do? Cause he may feel uncomfortable to ask you cause he is scared that you may judge him? You also said that his fantasies are weird so you already kind judging the situation. Remember that also man have a G-spot and is reached by anus. What if you may introduce some toys that can be used vaginally and anally to spice up and helping him to reach his fantasies? 😉 Good luck!! 🙏🏽🤗

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I once had an ex boyfriend advertise online for a no strings catchup whilst I was away for the weekend. Whilst it’s not the same as a spouse cheating, there’s a lot of thinking and decision making undertaken beforehand to sign up to one of those sites- so the cheating has already begun. To go through with it, there has to a certain amount of emotional disconnect from the long term relationship to start cheating- even if it’s only at the theoretical stage just now and not the physical. It also shows a certain amount of disrespect for you which I don’t think will get any better.

im sure he is still a really lovely person but you deserve to feel like the only one and second best to no one. If you don’t bring it up, it’s gonna eat away at you, and trying it on with him will just set yourself up for heart ache and I really think you need to look after your mental health whilst going through this.

I know it’s especially hard when children are involved but the only way forward for you both is to try and encourage being open and honest with each other and talk as much as possible about what your future will look like. I doubt hiding these feelings has been easy on him so he may find it a relief to stop hiding it.

I sorry that you’re going through this, you must be in bits, I think you need to focus on the things you can control, ie, no more secrets, tell him you know and you want to discuss the future, you can’t control is natural feelings I’m afraid so once you’re able to talk to him and understand exactly what they are gay/bi/curios, then you can both move forward. Perhaps some joint conselling might help those processes. Sending you hugs xxxx

Hi

something similar happened to me. Before we got married and I am still married (happily.)

but I have had to rebuild trust and I did talk to him. Im not sure if what he told me was truthful or not, I’m not sure if he didn’t meet up with anyone but ultimately I’ve not caught him out since I confronted him. I probably reacted and showed my hand too early and finding out now that we are married and have kids, I’m fairly sure I would have a different reaction. I probably wouldn’t have stuck around. Actually I found out just after we booked our wedding and my dad paid for it. I kind of felt like I didn’t. Have much choice. I wouldn’t bear having to tell my dad it was cancelled after that and the humiliation of telling everyone that the wedding was off after sending our save the dates.

for you. I’m sorry but you have to talk about it with him. Try not to go in all guns blazing but sit down calmly and rationally with him and explain what you know. Or set up a fake account and arrange to meet him. If he turns up, you know he has every intention of cheating and it’s time to end the relationship.

you don’t have to separate as a family unit, you can still work well together as painful as it is.

but reassure him it’s ok to be himself but he cannot treat you the way he is doing. That’s unfair.

Mate. This is awful. You shouldn’t be treated this way. Please leave him and find someone willing to treat you better. I have to admit I’m a hypocrite but if this was still happening now and I’m fairly sure it’s not or he’s well covered, I would leave him in a heartbeat.

Hi Nikki

I know it isn’t what you want to do but you are going to have to confront him. It’s really not as uncommon as you might think for men to have same sex attractions (SSA).

He may feel this isn’t cheating as he’s looking for a sexual encounter with men rather than women. I however, don’t subscribe to this idea and wholeheartedly believe it is cheating.

Men with a SSA are amazingly good at compartmentalising their lives, thinking that his relationship with you is separate and not ‘touching’ this other area of his life.

Until you speak to him you won’t know what his thoughts or intentions are.

There are several places you can get support depending on what happens with your relationship. Don’t feel alone! If you need the perspective of others, contact this site primarily perhaps:https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/

sending love and support x

Anyone being cheated on with male/female should find the courage to end the relationship.

It says alot about a person's self esteem they are desperate to stay with someone who is untrustworthy.

I promise there is better out there, not right away and it's hard work going alone especially with children.

I have not once regretted leaving my cheating husband...2 years ago now. And I made the fatal mistake of forgiving the first time.

Never again will I put up with that.

This was honestly so emotional to read! I really hope your okay. See this is my fear, I feel like if I confront him he will definitely choose his family but it doesnt mean he is being true to himself. I cant live not wondering if our relationship is real or not. I feel like he may really try hard to fix things like he did before but it will only be a matter of time until he does it all again and I don't know if I can prepare myself for that. But it's not easy for me to just get up and go when you have a family. It's so hard 🥺

I think I'm going to confront him tonight, I am just really not sure how to go about it. I know he will lie and i will never get the full truth.

I don’t know if I can. Why should my children loose their home, because of some ideas he may had had/still has. Three years of pushing, discovering the lies, him saying he wants us, then doing it all again…I still don’t know what to do. I think I deserve to be wanted and loved. We’ve had no intimacy since our last child was conceived. He says it’s him he can’t….yet I’ve seen his pics on a site and he can clearly rise! I just don’t get why he says he wants me/us but only talks to, joins gay sites and seeks a man to ‘chat to’. Do I really deserve better? Or have I done this? I have clearly not been paying much attention.

I totally get you. I really do. I’m so broken I have no fight left. Problem is he’s never seen this as cheating really. He’s seen me have panic attacks and a breakdown because of it all. Yet he’s done it again and again. He says he lives me and wants me, but why treat someone like this if you really do?? I just don’t get it. He always says it’s him that’s screwed up. Erm yep 🤣

i could accept it more if he sought a woman, but as it’s a man, I just feel our 19 year marriage has been a lie.

one day I will have the courage to make a choice that is right for me. Right now my children come first. So help me god, if I find out he has done this again I will kill him!

Hi Nikki,

Honestly confrontation is the only way to address this. If he's a family man he had to decide what he wants. He doesn't get to break marital vows because he has secret fantasies that's not fair on you and your kids. He needs to see genuinely that this is so wrong. Talk it out with him and maybe get some couples counselling. From there you can make a clear decision.

I really hope your okay thats just heartbreaking!

Honestly I am so grateful for everyone's replies as I was feeling so alone with this!

So I confronted him about it, and he said he tried oral once when we first got together almost 10 years ago, but said he quickly realised it wasn't what he wanted and has never gone near a man since. It took him a lot of courage to tell me as he didn't want to be judged for it and he knew his family would be disappointed. So I wasn't going to judge him for it as he had been honest with me and it took a lot of courage but I said if he is having these thoughts he needs to be completely truthful about our relationship and where we go from here because it's really unfair to lead me on. He said he is 100% straight and he would never do anything to hurt me, that its all in the past etc and has been running around the last 24 hours trying to make it up to me.

I said I still don't understand, I asked why he was on gay dating websites trying to meet men within the past week so very recently and what else don't I know? He said he just wanted the attention and to feel good about himself as he feels like he cant please me lately but that he wouldn't actually do anything. I said but why men, its just not making sense to me?

He basically said he likes the feeling of pleasing people, whether it be a man or a woman he watches women pleasing men online and he wondered what it would be like to please a man himself but said it made him feel ill after. He basically said he wants to watch me pleasing a man and a man pleasing me. He wants a threesome. He said he knows its just a fantasy but he gets turned on by the thought of seeing me with other men.

I am really confused by it all!! I don't know what to think! Everytime I tried to get him to open up to me fully he kept saying no I promise you on our kids lives etc im definitely straight I just have these thoughts that I don't like to talk about but it doesnt mean I like to be the one doing it.

He said he would never lead me on and that I am his world, till death do us part. Today is our anniversary and my head is still completely messed up over all of this.

I took it well that he cheated as it was such a long time ago now and we both made mistakes in the first few years we were together, cant dwell on the past but im absolutely terrified he might hurt me again and break my heart. I really dont know what to do. And he didnt just cheat on me with me with a woman, it was a man and he swore me to secrecy. My head us all over the place but I think he wants to speak to someone, do u have any idea where we can go from here? He wants to make it work im just absolutely terrified.

Thanks so much everyone x