CMA: Understanding No. 2
We didn't choose to be born, our genes, or our emotions or desires. We didn't choose our basic temperaments, the family or culture we were born into.
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We didn't choose the place or time of our births, and yet all of this will have a profound effect on us. We all just find ourselves here in the same boat!
The reality is we all just find ourselves here ...
The journey through emotional development
Developmentally we become aware of ourselves as 'being here', and get a sense that we exist as a 'feeling self' when we are about 2-3 years of age. Then as we continue to grow – our brains mature quickly too and, thanks to these changes, we become more able to understand new things. Then as we become teenagers – hormones change our bodies, desires and interests. We chose none of this – it all just happened inside of us.
Our emotions seem to become more intense and we find we are more likely to feel shamed or sensitive, especially about our bodies. We become more concerned about winning approval and being accepted by our friends and those around us; and often to improve our chances for acceptance we develop specific interests such as types of music, clothes or styles, to help us to fit in with those around us.
As time progresses we want to find a partner for a long term relationship, possibly to have children together (share our genes). All of us want to be valued, appreciated and accepted, not devalued, criticised, taken for granted or rejected. We choose none of these desires or emotions, they are simply part of our makeup – how our brains evolved. How others and those who care for us during our childhood years treat us, and how we learn to deal with these unfolding experiences, can make a big difference – not only as to how our brain grows and how we learn to cope with this 'difficult' brain that evolution has given us, but also to influence our vulnerabilities to things like anger, anxieties and depression.
As we grow up we discover that our minds have all sorts of feelings and passions which sometimes take control over us. We act according to how our feelings direct us to act. If we are angry, we might say or do hurtful things; if we are anxious we might avoid things or behave in a submissive way, and in so doing find we do not learn how to cope with things that frighten us. The fact that we have a brain that has these capacities is absolutely not our fault.
Learning to train the mind
So you can see we inherit a range of difficult emotions and desires; then our brains and minds are shaped by those around us (not our choice), and so it may help us if we can learn about our brains and minds to enable us to direct and calm our feelings, rather than them directing us!
We can learn to train our minds to help us maximise the chances of understanding and coping with unpleasant emotions, and to increase helpful and pleasant emotions to create a sense of wellbeing. If you want to do anything in life and be good at it, whether its sport or music, you have to learn about it, understand the rules, and practice. It’s exactly the same with our minds and brains – practice is the key. Developing compassion for ourselves and others will help us deal with many of our more unpleasant feelings such as anxiety, anger and despair, but we need to practice, and keep practising.
Continue to CMA: Understanding motives and desires
