Children who don't want to go to sleep: late settlers
Louisa Sherlock
Contributing EditorYou've been on the go for more than 12 hours (not that you're counting!) and finally get to bedtime, hurrah. Except in your house, this is where the battle begins and the day becomes so much longer. Here, expert sleep therapist Mandy Gurney shares her tips for getting your child to settle at night.
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Sound familiar? If you’re reading this, we’re guessing the answer is yes. So why do some children simply refuse to settle … and is there a way of getting your evenings back?
According to sleep therapist Mandy Gurney, founder of the Millpond Sleep Clinic, the answer is yes. She says:
‘Every child has the ability to settle. It’s about creating the right environment for them to go to sleep.'
How do I know if my child is a night owl?
There are 'larks', who prefer to sleep and wake early. Then there are 'night owls', who prefer to sleep and wake at late times and find it hard to get out of bed in the morning.
And depending on which one you are could explain why your child struggles to settle. Mandy says:
‘It’s important to look within your own family. If you and your partner are both night owls, your child is likely to go to bed later than if you're both larks.
‘When I work with families I look at sleep diaries of children aged around six-months-old and I can almost predict the parent’s sleep pattern from the child’s.’
Why not start your own sleep diary to keep track of your child's sleep. We've got more tips on working out if your child is a lark or a night owl.
Bedtime: how late is too late?
You’ve got an ideal time for your child to go to bed but your little one has other ideas. So when does it become an issue?
‘Being a late settler is more of a symptom of an older child than babies', explains Mandy. 'Generally speaking, anything after 9pm for a young child is going to be a little bit too late.
‘Research published in the Sleep Journal in 2009 found children who fall asleep after 9pm tend to have less sleep and the quality of sleep isn’t so good.’
Why won't my child settle at bedtime?
There can be a number of reasons for your child not playing ball at bedtime.
Anything from illness to changes in routine at home or childcare arrangements can all play a part in him being wide awake when he should be asleep.
Yet it could also be down to your child’s bedtime routine. And the good news is, this can all be tweaked to make him go to bed on time.
Here is Mandy’s checklist for working out why your child is late to settle:
Look at the bedtime routine ... Are you putting your child to bed and he can’t or won’t fall asleep? Is he having loads of fun and playing at bedtime? Think about whether you have wound down his busy brain and body.
Think about your timings ... Have you got the timing right for your child’s bedtime routine? Are you starting it too early or too late? Look at what time your child is up waking and think about how much sleep on average does he need for his age. Then track back to bedtime.
Be mindful of your child’s diet … Is your child have sugar in the evening? This will have a big impact on his ability to fall asleep.
Look at your child’s activity levels … Is your child exercising too close to bedtime? You need two hours between exercise and sleep as muscles need time to cool down.
Look at your own behaviour … Are you chatting to your child at bedtime and stimulating his brain?
Has your child 'forgotten' how to fall asleep? ... Your child may have stopped knowing how to go to sleep when he gets into bed. Too early a bedtime can create anxieties and your child may start asking, "when’s bedtime?" He could get a bit anxious as he knows he'll find it difficult to go to sleep.
Night owls: how to do bedtime
Try Mandy’s tips for transforming bedtime.
1. Work with your child
The first step is to work out your child’s natural sleep time, says Mandy.
‘Regardless of what time your child goes to bed, what time does he actually fall asleep?
‘If he’s been going to bed and not been able to sleep, he’ll have built those connections in his brain. You need to rebuild the right associations and teach your child that when he gets into bed, he falls asleep.’
To do this, Mandy recommends shifting your child’s bedtime.
‘Whatever time your child falls asleep, make the bedtime routine as late as necessary so it starts 45 minutes before the time he naturally falls asleep. For example, if he doesn’t fall asleep until midnight, don't start the routine until 11.15pm.
‘Once you’ve got him falling asleep within 15-20 minutes of going to bed then bring it forward by 15 minutes.’
Repeat this until your child is going to bed at a reasonable hour.
2. Revamp your bedtime routine
Another way to help your child settle is taking a look at how you prepare him for bed.
Mandy says:
‘A lively bedtime is one of the biggest problems. Make sure the bedtime routine is quiet and short. Don’t take too long or children will start playing.
‘No screens an hour before bed. And when it comes to bath time, make sure it’s a short, relaxing bath … not a waterpark!”
3. Don’t chat
When you’re juggling work and family, it can be hard to find time to catch up with your child. But doing it just before bedtime can leave your little one struggling to sleep.
‘Don’t ask your child about his day just before bedtime’, says Mandy. ‘That’s the equivalent of you getting an urgent work email just before bed. You’ll stimulate his brain.
‘Make it clear there is no chatting during bath time or bedtime. Instead find some time earlier, before you start the routine, to chat to your child.
‘If he insists that there’s something he has to tell you, rather than getting pulled into a conversation give him a notepad to write it down and say you’ll chat about it in the morning.’
4. Give your child a sleepy snack
Ditch the sugary drinks and biscuits and instead give your child a sleep-inducing snack.
‘Tryptophan is an amino acid found in foods like poultry and cheese that can help with sleep’ says Mandy. ‘And when you combine it with complex carbohydrates it makes it even more effective.
‘Give your child a banana with an oat biscuit, a wholegrain chicken sandwich or peanut butter on brown toast.’
5. Try sleep training
If your child is still struggling to sleep, you might want to try some gentle sleep training.
‘It might be your child has developed a sleep association and can’t fall asleep unless you are there’, says Mandy.
‘If this happens, try the gradual retreat method. The idea would be to gradually wean yourself away during bedtime. It can take two or three weeks to do this.’
6. Look at the bigger picture
If your child has suddenly developed issues settling at bedtime, it could be other factors are disrupting him.
Mandy says:
‘If it suddenly happens it could be due to illness, a change in circumstance or routine or they are anxious about something.
‘If that’s the case and it’s a sudden change in his ability to settle then just comforting him will help.’
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