They’re not feeding my nephew solids at 16 months
13 answers /
Last post: 09/06/2022 at 8:34 pm
Hi I’m back on here after a long hiatus and a period of living abroad. Life has been busy. But there’s a potential situation brewing with my family that I would appreciate your views on.
My brother and his wife had their first child in early 2021. A health my little boy born with forceps and an episiotomy. All seemed to be going well at first but when they tried to change from breast to formula, trouble hit. The baby seemed
to become quite ill and reflux started.
When the baby was put back on breast, his skin broke out in a rash. Since then, his diet has only been breast milk. My brother and his wife claim that he is severely allergic to EVERYTHING they’ve tried to feed him. He is now 16 months and chokes on everything that isn’t a milky consistency. Whenever I offer advice I’m shot down immediately because I’ve had two healthy babies and “never had to deal with a baby as sick
as theirs”
Please don’t get me wrong, he is a very loved baby. He has every toy and outfit that a baby could ever have. The trouble is, my sister in law is Polish and seems to think the British health system
isn't capable of helping her baby. She has sent stool samples off to Poland for testing but never tells anyone the results.
I think it’s fair to say she’s still suffering from some sort of postnatal depression as she has withdrawn from friends and family since the birth. My husband thinks the distance is being maintained because she knows people will question why the baby isn’t eating food. She is still expressing and has dramatically lost weight. She exists on a diet of tomato and pork loin so as not to pass on any allergens in her milk. The baby is awake
all night and sleeps all day. My brother has had to change his work pattern and work a 20 hour week because he is up with the baby all night.
I hate to say it but it is starting to look like child abuse for an outsider looking in. I don’t know what to do or say. Can someone help? Im worried sick.
This is such a tough one, as your brother and his wife obviously love their baby that's why they are going through all this stress and she is changing her diet. But since you do suspect PND, she most likely needs help, but can't or won't admit it. The fact she doesn't trust the British health system is worrying. She needs a health visitor to do a check on her and the baby. But you said she doesn't accept any advice. If you're that concerned you could call the NSPCC. They may get a social worker or health visitor to do a check on her and your brother. To me, it's clear they love their baby and social services would help them and not take the child away. Some families need extra support when children have health issues and they are exhausted.
Hi Lianna,
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - baby and child health board, so you can get the advice and support you need.
Hi Lianna
Thank you for posting.
It can be hard when we have worries about family or friends especially when there is a little one involved.
There could be lots going on that we are not aware of but I do wonder if there is medical support from either their GP or Health Visitor given the ongoing concerns.
A health visitor will be able to assess, refer if needed and provide ongoing support - has your brother and his wife mentioned they have had this support although I am aware your sister in law seems to be wary of professionals. A dietician may be more appropriate for ongoing support if there are suspected allergies.
Continue to be there for your nephew and his parents as you would. They may be very heightened to other people's views given their continued struggles for their LO. I wonder if being there to listen and not to advise ( although I understand your advice is very well meant and supportive). Perhaps in time, they will when they are ready to speak out they will.
Are you able to speak to your brother without his wife to share your views or do you feel this would escalate concerns?
Like a fellow member has suggested if you feel there are safeguarding concerns you can always seek advice anonymously from your local MASH (safeguarding) service as well as NSPCC How to Report Child Abuse Without Any Worries | NSPCC. It is hard to think of but even those children that seem 'well loved' can be at risk from not seeking medical treatment which is a form of abuse.
I hope this helps in someway
All the best
Emma
Does your SIL have any mental health issues such as depression or anxiety as this sounds like she may be experiencing munchausen’s by proxy. (If you are unaware, it’s basically seeing or making their child out to be constantly sick, sometimes to the point of giving them things to actually make them ill.) I’d speak to your brother and see if he can get her an appointment with a mental health professional, especially if she’s cagey about test results etc. I hope it isn’t this and she’s just a helicopter parent but it seems a lot is going on she’s not telling you. I hope you get to the bottom of things sooner than later x
Does your SIL have any mental health issues such as depression or anxiety as this sounds like she may be experiencing munchausen’s by proxy. (If you are unaware, it’s basically seeing or making their child out to be constantly sick, sometimes to the point of giving them things to actually make them ill.) I’d speak to your brother and see if he can get her an appointment with a mental health professional, especially if she’s cagey about test results etc. I hope it isn’t this and she’s just a helicopter parent but it seems a lot is going on she’s not telling you. I hope you get to the bottom of things sooner than later x
I’m sorry but this a very giant and dangerous leap. There is a huge difference between being highly anxious, having healthy anxiety, being terrified of anything happening to your baby; and having muchausens by proxy. That is not a diagnosis we should be throwing around, speculative or not. All new parents go through a period of being highly anxious, terrified of the realisation that they are now in charge of this little life, keeping it safe. It is for family and friends to look in and support the family. I would suggest sending a text or email, highlighting how loved this family is, and how the OP wants to support and guide this new little family. This would hopefully build trust. Also having honest conversations about the difficulties of having a new born so that the family don’t feel so alone. This would hopefully create dialogue. If needed, contacting the NSPCC for advice and support, but I would seriously caution making any accusations and reports at this stage as this may alienate the family further and cause even more distrust and fear. Best of luck with it all, it’s extremely hard watching family do something that we don’t agree with.
I'm sorry but personally I think you're mad. It maybe is bc this is on a forum & it's hard to read your actual intent but I think you should mind your own business. Does the child look ill? Is he losing weight? These things could be 'red flags' that smth is wrong (which would certainly be picked up by a medical professional) but you saying it's child abuse if she's still bf at 16 months is controlling. There are many good things about the NHS but also many bad ones & surely she as his mum should be allowed to know better & make decisions. Trust me, the child won't be on breast milk forever. But it's up to them for how long not you. And just because you don't understand her mentality & culture doesn't make her wrong & you right.
Hi.
It's very common for a Polish person living abroad to use Polish doctors, even in Poland. I am not Polish but also prefer to trust doctors from my own country, sometimes I also use Polish pharmacy as their medicine is similar to ours. So you needn't worry about your SIL sending her baby's poo to Polish doctors. Also, the results are really not your business.
My firstborn was breastfed until her 3rd birthday. She didn't want to eat anything proper. Now at almost 5 she still doesn't want to eat, doesn't like eating and is extremely fussy eater. I wouldn't worry about this child being g predominantly on breastmilk at 16 months. I believe he just doesn't want solids, just like my firstborn. He will grow up and start eating when they cut him from breast.
Regarding sleeping, some kids just don't want to sleep at night. It's a phase. He will outgrow this when he goes to nursery. My firstborn was the same. Nothing can be done if you are a loving parent. My firstborn started to sleep at 3 when she started nursery. But it took reception for her to actually be tired and really sleep all night.
Some kids are just more challenging. I wouldn't meddle in their life.
It's nothing to do with parenting. My second was a good sleeper from the first day when he was born and loved solids. He didn't really want breastmilk once he discovered solids. I was looking forward to loose my baby weight like I did with my firstborn who only wanted breastmilk, but no such luck.
I believe you mean well but I think they are just unlucky to have one of these rare very demanding child. He will get older and learns to eat and sleep. Alternatively they could of course use some of the harsh techniques and let the baby cry all night in his cot, or forcefeed him solids but they would only cause more damage.
He has 2 loving parents who do their best. I would not get in the middle.
Hi.
It's very common for a Polish person living abroad to use Polish doctors, even in Poland. I am not Polish but also prefer to trust doctors from my own country, sometimes I also use Polish pharmacy as their medicine is similar to ours. So you needn't worry about your SIL sending her baby's poo to Polish doctors. Also, the results are really not your business.
My firstborn was breastfed until her 3rd birthday. She didn't want to eat anything proper. Now at almost 5 she still doesn't want to eat, doesn't like eating and is extremely fussy eater. I wouldn't worry about this child being g predominantly on breastmilk at 16 months. I believe he just doesn't want solids, just like my firstborn. He will grow up and start eating when they cut him from breast.
Regarding sleeping, some kids just don't want to sleep at night. It's a phase. He will outgrow this when he goes to nursery. My firstborn was the same. Nothing can be done if you are a loving parent. My firstborn started to sleep at 3 when she started nursery. But it took reception for her to actually be tired and really sleep all night.
Some kids are just more challenging. I wouldn't meddle in their life.
It's nothing to do with parenting. My second was a good sleeper from the first day when he was born and loved solids. He didn't really want breastmilk once he discovered solids. I was looking forward to loose my baby weight like I did with my firstborn who only wanted breastmilk, but no such luck.
I believe you mean well but I think they are just unlucky to have one of these rare very demanding child. He will get older and learns to eat and sleep. Alternatively they could of course use some of the harsh techniques and let the baby cry all night in his cot, or forcefeed him solids but they would only cause more damage.
He has 2 loving parents who do their best. I would not get in the middle.
Also, the reason your SIL is do skinny is because she needs to produce large amount of milk to satisfy appetite of 16 months old. I was the same. I enjoyed eatingwhat I wanted and being size 8. I was so very disappointed when my second son preferred solids and didn't want breastmilk. I had to watch my diet :D
Does your SIL have any mental health issues such as depression or anxiety as this sounds like she may be experiencing munchausen’s by proxy. (If you are unaware, it’s basically seeing or making their child out to be constantly sick, sometimes to the point of giving them things to actually make them ill.) I’d speak to your brother and see if he can get her an appointment with a mental health professional, especially if she’s cagey about test results etc. I hope it isn’t this and she’s just a helicopter parent but it seems a lot is going on she’s not telling you. I hope you get to the bottom of things sooner than later x
Sorry but why should this mother share test results of her son with her SIL? None of her business. I feel this poster is probably just a nosey Parker with not such demanding babies, therefore no understanding. The family probably just needs space to look after their child and not poking in with accusations of child abuse. This mother must be very polite nice person. I would have told this poster where to go right away.
I'm sorry but personally I think you're mad. It maybe is bc this is on a forum & it's hard to read your actual intent but I think you should mind your own business. Does the child look ill? Is he losing weight? These things could be 'red flags' that smth is wrong (which would certainly be picked up by a medical professional) but you saying it's child abuse if she's still bf at 16 months is controlling. There are many good things about the NHS but also many bad ones & surely she as his mum should be allowed to know better & make decisions. Trust me, the child won't be on breast milk forever. But it's up to them for how long not you. And just because you don't understand her mentality & culture doesn't make her wrong & you right.
Hi, the issue isn't that she is still breast feeding, it's that the baby is not yet on solids and is only getting milk. By 16 months they need actual food.
Hi, the issue isn't that she is still breast feeding, it's that the baby is not yet on solids and is only getting milk. By 16 months they need actual food.
Sure, but have you ever met an adult who was still only on a liquid diet? The baby will get there in his own time, none of the SIL's business when & how.
Sorry but why should this mother share test results of her son with her SIL? None of her business. I feel this poster is probably just a nosey Parker with not such demanding babies, therefore no understanding. The family probably just needs space to look after their child and not poking in with accusations of child abuse. This mother must be very polite nice person. I would have told this poster where to go right away.
I’m sure it’s genuine concern rather than nosiness