Is this flirting?
77 answers /
Last post: 08/06/2022 at 11:29 pm
Hi so me and my fiancé was out having drinks, we went outside to the smoking area for a cigarette and I was chatting to a woman. There was quite a few people outside smoking which was all women. I turned round and noticed a woman standing close to my fiancé talking by his ear and him either laughing or smiling. It didn’t look normal/appropriate.
I walked over to them and let them know I wasn’t happy about it and I went back inside.
when he came back inside I asked him what was going on, he told me that she asked him for a cigarette and he gave her one and then she offered him a drink (the same drink he was drinking). He told me he told her no.
I asked him what was so funny she was saying to him as he was smiling/laughing. He said he wasn’t laughing/smiling (he was, I seen him).
He also said she wasn’t talking by his ear (she was, I seen her).
I feel like he’s lying to me and siding with this woman.
There was loads of people (all women) outside she could of asked for a cigarette, including me but she went over to him.
She was also out on her night out who had cigarettes who she could of asked.
I think the asking for the cigarette was an excuse to get chatting to my fiancé.
Was she flirting/hitting on my fiancé?
I’d really like your opinions on this.
Thanks x
My opinion:
Quite a few people flirt with my wife. She has occasionally been hit on. It doesn't bother me, because I trust her, and I know she loves me, and our relationship is solid and secure. I have fewer people flirting with me, I admit, but if I'd been in the situation you describe, I'd have told my wife exactly why I was smiling, exactly what had been said, and if this woman had been obviously hitting on me I'd have told her that too. Then we'd have had a good laugh about it later. She'd probably tease me about it mercilessly for a few days.
I suspect that your relationship isn't as solid and secure as that, and I'd be questioning why your fiance wouldn't open up to you. Does he lie often? Is he worried that you'd react badly if you thought this woman was flirting with him? Would he think you'd think he was flirting back? Are you overly worried that he'll cheat on you?
Personally, I'd be questioning whether you're in the right relationship. Any strong, lasting relationship should be built on trust, and it seems like you maybe don't trust him enough for whatever reason.
I'd say you were in the wrong, you seem paranoid. Has he cheated before to make you think he would? Does it even matter if she was flirting? As long as he didn't do anything or flirted back.
If my partner came up to me and said he wasn't comfortable with me talking to men I wouldn't be with him.
My opinion:
Quite a few people flirt with my wife. She has occasionally been hit on. It doesn't bother me, because I trust her, and I know she loves me, and our relationship is solid and secure. I have fewer people flirting with me, I admit, but if I'd been in the situation you describe, I'd have told my wife exactly why I was smiling, exactly what had been said, and if this woman had been obviously hitting on me I'd have told her that too. Then we'd have had a good laugh about it later. She'd probably tease me about it mercilessly for a few days.
I suspect that your relationship isn't as solid and secure as that, and I'd be questioning why your fiance wouldn't open up to you. Does he lie often? Is he worried that you'd react badly if you thought this woman was flirting with him? Would he think you'd think he was flirting back? Are you overly worried that he'll cheat on you?
Personally, I'd be questioning whether you're in the right relationship. Any strong, lasting relationship should be built on trust, and it seems like you maybe don't trust him enough for whatever reason.
He has told me he didn’t see her talking down his ear and he was a bit drunk and he wouldn’t of took the drink off her.
yes we have trust issues in our relationship which we are trying to work on.
I'd say you were in the wrong, you seem paranoid. Has he cheated before to make you think he would? Does it even matter if she was flirting? As long as he didn't do anything or flirted back.
If my partner came up to me and said he wasn't comfortable with me talking to men I wouldn't be with him.
I don’t think I’m being paranoid. There was no need for her to be talking down his ear leaning into him and him smiling laughing while she’s doing it.
I can’t see how I’m in the wrong either.
We’ve discussed its not acceptable flirting or allowing others to flirt with us in our relationship.
He wouldn’t like it if it was the other way round
She probably was, but does it matter? Do you trust your fiance? He was probably laughing out of politeness/awkwardness.
She probably was, but does it matter? Do you trust your fiance? He was probably laughing out of politeness/awkwardness.
Yes I trust him to a certain extent.
I think it matters more because he said the whole thing didn’t happen, when it did. I seen it
Get over it
Get over it
Your comment isn’t constructive so no point in it really.
No you sound childish putting me down for asking for an opinion on a situation
Based on your replies, I'd again say that I think you may be in the wrong relationship.
You say that you have trust issues that you're working on. I'm wondering if the work is going to be worthwhile, or whether you may be better off in the long run ending this relationship, taking a long break from relationships of any kind, and then finding someone you can trust.
You poor soul - I’m not going to invalidate your feelings here because I know how tough it can be when you’re in a relationship with trust issues. The first thing to do is try to stick to the facts. What really happened? Some stranger chatted to your partner in a way that made you feel uncomfortable. In reality it’s not going to affect your life but it has highlighted your insecurities about your relationship.
Are you sure your partner is the right person to share your amazing life with? It’s easy for me to say but if you’re in a healthy relationship you should be able to laugh about stuff like this.
I wouldn’t bring up this incident again with your partner but you do need to look at healing the trust issues or moving on. If you’re really committed to the gut how about some couples counselling?
Based on your replies, I'd again say that I think you may be in the wrong relationship.
You say that you have trust issues that you're working on. I'm wondering if the work is going to be worthwhile, or whether you may be better off in the long run ending this relationship, taking a long break from relationships of any kind, and then finding someone you can trust.
We have both done things in the relationship to break the trust. I think trust has to be earned back and I have earned mine back by being honest about things and telling him things like when men have come on to me etc and I’ve put a stop to things. He hasn’t.
The way he dealt with the situation I don’t like and I think he should of recognised what was happening and put a stop to it, he didn’t.
we have been together 14 years and have children, one having disabilities. So it’s hard to just end the relationship.
You poor soul - I’m not going to invalidate your feelings here because I know how tough it can be when you’re in a relationship with trust issues. The first thing to do is try to stick to the facts. What really happened? Some stranger chatted to your partner in a way that made you feel uncomfortable. In reality it’s not going to affect your life but it has highlighted your insecurities about your relationship.
Are you sure your partner is the right person to share your amazing life with? It’s easy for me to say but if you’re in a healthy relationship you should be able to laugh about stuff like this.
I wouldn’t bring up this incident again with your partner but you do need to look at healing the trust issues or moving on. If you’re really committed to the gut how about some couples counselling?
I think it’s the way he dealt with it at the time, he should of recognised what was going on and put a stop to it considering we are trying to work on our trust issues.
If he had put a stop to it, I would of been able to laugh about it. But he didn’t.
We was going to relationship counselling but then we went into lockdown so it stopped and then our child with disabilities has been out of school since last year so haven’t been able to go back but I have mentioned to my partner I want to go back.
I hate the trust issues, I don’t want to not trust him. I’d love to trust him but he has to earn it back. I can’t just trust him without him not doing anything to make me feel I can.
I think it’s the way he dealt with it at the time, he should of recognised what was going on and put a stop to it considering we are trying to work on our trust issues.
If he had put a stop to it, I would of been able to laugh about it. But he didn’t.
We was going to relationship counselling but then we went into lockdown so it stopped and then our child with disabilities has been out of school since last year so haven’t been able to go back but I have mentioned to my partner I want to go back.
I hate the trust issues, I don’t want to not trust him. I’d love to trust him but he has to earn it back. I can’t just trust him without him not doing anything to make me feel I can.
It is a tough one for sure - what is it that you think will happen with the trust issues? Presumably through time you’ll trust him again - did you fully trust him before? If your gut instinct is kicking in no amount of time or counselling will help. From reading the rest of your responses I can sense some very deep seated mistrust - I hope this guy is worth all of this stress.