Biological father

Thankyou for your reply!

He has told me he did it because he didn’t want to hurt us. I totally get that. But i have never kept anything from him and have always been honest.

My son has met with biological dad, and he has a brother and a sister with 2 different mums!

I don’t want to see my son get hurt but I am happy to support him in anything he wants to do. He has said he would like me to meet his brother, not really sure how i feel about it to be honest. I just want my son to be happy!

Your husband is behaving like a child.

If you wonder why your child went behind your back, you already have your answer: he was afraid of exactly what happened. He was afraid his step dad wouldn't want to be his dad anymore.

Of course your husband is hurt, of course it's painful, and of course your son could have done it better - but you know - he's a kid!

The question here is - whose the adult in this situation? He doesn't want your son to call him "dad" anymore! What an absolute ***** of a reaction! By saying that, he is proving every step child's fear right ... that a step father doesn't love you like a real dad. That a step parent's love is conditional - not at all like a real parent.

Consider it this way ... is there anything on this Earth your child could do for you to not want him to call you Mum?

Your husband is so much in the wrong here it's breathtaking. He's the adult. Tell him to start behaving like one: He needs to tell his son he's really sorry and that he loves being his dad and nothing can change that.

If he doesn't want to do that, then your son's fear were 100% correct - his step dad doesn't love him like a real dad.

I think it seems pretty normal that, at some point in his life, he’d want to find out who is biological father is. He might want a relationship with him or he might just have questions like why he didn’t ever want to see him. I honestly don’t think it needs to be one relationship or the other re biological father & step dad. His step dad will always be the dad that raised him - hopefully he’ll be able to see this once the shock has worn off.

It's a tricky one but as a parent I'd want to meet them all so I could see the situation for myself.

As for his step dad - I get that its difficult for him but at the end of the day he needs to have more faith in your son.

Your son hasn't gone behind your back. He has every right in the world to know where he comes from & as for your husband he needs to remember he's a grown up & it's not about him. Your son needs support.

I have always been honest with him about who his biological dad is.

I feel he has gone behind my back…he messaged him & met up with him.

Had he of told me or asked me to message his biological dad I wouldve been more than happy

Thankyou so so much for your reply!!

This is definitely what i needed! I 100% agree with you on everything you have said. Just needed to hear it from someone I dont know!!

By continuing with that attitude you'll more likely push him away. I know from experience how it feels & that need to know. Its done now, you need to move on & support him with it all before you lose him.

First off..sending hugs to you!

I would sit his step dad down and ask him to be calm. Explain that his reaction is exactly why this was done behind your back. Your son did not want to cause upset but just wants to know more about who he is.

Explain that you want to support your son and that while you are both understandably upset that it is your son who needs support at this time. Explain to his step dad that he is not being replaced but he will need to support his son if he wants to save his relationship with him.

I would also sit with your son on your own. Explain that step dad is hurt but will be ok. Explain that you understand he didn't want to upset everyone and that you are sorry that he didn't feel able to talk about it with you but understand that he has questions that need answering.

Then it's going to be tough but get step dad and son to sit down and talk. Probably won't happen quick and may need a mediator but this can only happen wants step dad has calmed.

Son will lash out. He will be hurt too. Trick is to remind his step dad that not only is he the adult but also that teenage years are confusing so he needs to remember how that felt.

This is going to take time to repair but I will be honest now and tell you that you need to tell your son you are not mad at him. Support him in getting his questions answered. Be open to him developing a relationship with bio dad (even though it's probably eating you up!) The more you don't the more he will pull away. Be honest that he may not get the relationship he thinks but that you will very there whatever happens. He will be scared and nervous about it.

Step dad is hurt...explain to him that you understand that but he needs to step up now. This will be a time he was dreading and probably hoped wouldn't happen. Explain that it is not personal against him. Son just needs to know who bio dad is.

Hope this helps. Sending hugs to you as being in the middle is awful!!

Hi, i went through this last year with my daughter, she did come to me beforehand asking to contact him and I said as I've always said it's absolutely her choice. Her 'dad' didn't take it well either but I firmly told him that if he reacts badly to this it will do her more damage in the long run. Fast forward a year and her biological dad showed his true self and that he is just a waste of space and she now sees that for herself. Having my support and her dad that raised her support made a massive difference to her not feeling rejected again. She just had to do this for herself. Speak to your partner and explain this to him. Your son isn't rejecting him, it's just something he needs to do for himself and that he needs his step dad more than ever at this time.

Hes probably done it secretly because he didn't want to hurt you guys and his (step) dads reaction is utterly disgusting. Hes not trying to replace him.... Hes trying to learn who he is amd needs the support of those who love him on his journey

I do get your husbands hurt. He's raised him and loved him but he has a right to know who he is.

Maybe your son wanted to look for his dad this way due to the way his step dad has reacted?

lets put it this way, yes he went and did it without telling you, but his step dads reaction would have spoken volumes to your son that he did the right thing.

by his step dads reaction would he have really supported your son in the journey to finally having answers and meeting his biological father?

he is only 14, he is still a child and throughout what you’ve posted, your son seems to be the most grown up person in this situation right now.

I would reassure your son, say your not mad with him and that your proud he has done this sensibly and be understanding that he might have felt uncomfortable coming to you, but mention to him even if he feels uncomfortable in the future not to hesitate in coming to you for help and guidance.

I would also sit down with your husband and explain to him that it’s your sons choice and right to know about where he comes from & that by acting immaturely this will show your son that he can’t speak honestly about the situation with fear of upsetting him. Which could also cause your husband to potentially push son away and lose all of that bonding that they have!

it’s understandable your husband would be shocked, upset and slightly hurt but it’s your son who’s the main one in all of this, he needs reassurance and support now more then ever! Good luck I hope all works out ❤️

He's a child He wants to know his biological background. Your husband needs to realise that