We've all faced judgement from well-meaning parents, siblings and in-laws. And whether it’s opinions about your baby using a dummy or comments about your baby sleep training technique, their 'helpful remarks' are often anything but.

While you know deep-down they are just trying to help, you’d TOTALLY prefer support and encouragement instead of judgement. Which is why we think you’ll like C&G baby club’s ‘Love Don’t Judge’ campaign. They want all parents to have the confidence to follow their instincts when it comes to raising kids. And that means calling time on unwanted comments, no matter how well-intended.

But how do you deal with this without falling out with anyone? Especially when the people doing the judging are your own family. Eek.

Anita Cleare, parenting expert and author of The Work/Parent Switch says: 

‘Unsolicited advice is usually given from a genuine desire to help. Other parents know how hard parenting is and they want to pass on their hard-won wisdom. The problem is, they don’t know your child or your challenges from the inside. It’s easy to see a tiny snapshot of another family’s life and draw big conclusions about what a parent should be doing differently. But from the inside, parenting is far more complex.’

Here are five times you might face it, along with Anita’s advice for navigating your way through the 'helpful' advice of loved ones.

1. At your in-laws

You know they mean well. But if your in-laws have a habit of commenting on your parenting style (and not in a good way) it can be tough to deal with.

Anita says:

‘Parenting while we are being watched is very stressful, so we often don’t parent naturally in those circumstances. For example, we might give in to our child to keep the peace while visiting the in-laws, despite our own better judgement.’

And that means if you let your child go on their device so you can all finish Sunday lunch in peace – something you’d never normally do – it could lead to a tense situation.

‘When we are already not sure if we have done the right thing, we are quicker to detect negative judgements from the people around us’, adds Anita.

To avoid this happening, simply follow your parenting instincts just as you would if you were at home. After all, they’re usually spot on. 

2. Your parenting techniques

‘In my day …’ is a phrase you’re guaranteed to hear as a parent. And when it comes from your parents, you know it’s going to be a comment you could do without. (Especially the classic about cuddling your baby too much. Seriously.)

But rather than getting upset with what they’re saying, Anita suggests taking a step back and understanding why they are making the comments in the first place. Spoiler alert: it’s got nothing to do with your skills as a parent.

‘Grandparents can sometimes feel displaced when a child comes along’, she explains. ‘By offering advice, they might be trying to stay relevant and important. Or they might be trying to make up for mistakes they feel they made with their own children.’

Smiling nicely and carrying on as you were is a way to gently show you’re doing just fine as you are. 

‘Try to remember that misplaced advice is almost certainly being given with good intentions’, adds Anita. ‘If a family member offers unwanted advice, just nod and smile and keep doing it your own way and hopefully they will get the message!’

3. Your general parenting choices

You know your baby better than anyone. Which makes you the best person to decide what’s right for them.

Unfortunately your family might not have got the memo on this, and instead want to offer opinions on your maternity leave plans or the amount of layers your baby is wearing. If you feel they are being too critical in their comments, there are techniques to diffuse any awkward situations.

Anita says:

‘Make it clear that you value their support but will ask for their advice if you need it. Say something like, “I really appreciate your support. I will definitely ask for your advice if I need it but, right now, I’ve got this.”

‘If their constant criticism is hurtful, tell them that straight and ask them to stop. The key to keeping things calm is to take ownership of the problem using "I" rather than "You" statements. Conversations that start with “I” rather than “You” tend to be less confrontational.

‘For example, “I find it difficult when you say those things. I know you mean well but I find those comments hurtful. I would really appreciate it if you could stop.”'

4. As a new parent

Life with a new baby is hard enough without the opinions of (well meaning) family members on where they think you’re going wrong.

‘The problem with unsolicited parenting advice is that we usually experience it as criticism’, says Anita. ‘One way to head off unwanted advice is to pre-empt it.’

And this means setting boundaries. ‘If you’re complaining about being woken in the night, for example, say "I’m not asking for advice, I’m just offloading"' adds Anita.

You can set these boundaries at any stage: when you’re pregnant, with a newborn or have older children.

‘Before a baby arrives, it’s a great idea to talk to family members about how they can best support you’, adds Anita. 

‘When you’ve had your baby and before visitors arrive, be directive and give them a specific role. For example, say, “The absolute best way you could help would be to watch the baby for half an hour so I can have a shower.”’

5. When you make mistakes

Babies don’t come with an instruction manual. Which means it’s natural you’ll get things wrong along the way. Unfortunately it tends to happen when you are with family. (Every. Single. Time.)

But that’s okay. Especially as you can guarantee your family have all made mistakes too.

‘There isn’t only one correct way to parent’, says Anita. ‘You know your child best. Your little one doesn’t need a perfect parent, they need you. Parenting is a relationship not a set of prescribed actions. So, focus on tuning in to your child and accept that there will be ups and downs and tears and tantrums. These are part of the journey.’

Remember, you’re doing an amazing job. And we bet your family are incredibly proud of what an awesome parent you are, too.