5 things parents do to mess up their kids
As mums and dads we’re all doing the best we can for our kids. But sometimes we just MIGHT make some parenting clangers (and yep, that includes us too).
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Every day is a school day when it comes to raising kids. Which means it’s 100 percent okay to not get things right every time. Phew.
Netmums resident clinical psychologist Linda Blair says:
‘Parenting doesn’t come with a guidebook and every child is different so what works for one might not work for another. It’s hard to be right and you can often only tell in hindsight if what you’ve done worked.
‘However there are a few guidelines you can follow that will help.’
Here are five things you might be doing now, along with Linda’s suggestions on simple changes you could make that will help your child (and you).
1. Not setting boundaries
It can be hard to say ‘no’ to your child, especially when you know it’s going to lead to a tantrum. But setting boundaries is really important in your child’s emotional development.
‘Children are forever trying to discover the limit of what’s allowed’, says Linda.
‘And that means you must be firm about your boundaries and set them in advance.
‘Your child has to know where they stand. If limits are unclear they may become distressed or frightened. And if they get frightened they get angry.’
So whether it’s how much TV they’re allowed or how late they can stay up, try and be consistent, firm … and don’t be afraid to say ‘no’.
2. Not letting your child fail
It’s only natural to want to help your child; whether it’s finding the last puzzle piece or negotiating the tricky monkey bars in the park.
Yet according to Linda, stepping in each time to help won’t help them in the long run.
She says: ‘Eventually you want to become redundant as a parent. That feels really sad but it’s your job to give your children the gift of being able to cope on their own. And that means you have to give them the chance to discover what they can do and where they need to learn more.’
Which can be tough. But learning to step back means your child has the chance to see what they can achieve on their own.
Linda adds: ‘Try not to jump in too quickly and help. Although you may feel good that you’ve helped your child, you’ve robbed them of the joy of struggling and accomplishing.
‘Whether they succeed or fail isn’t so important. What you praise them for is their efforts. This helps them create the foundations of self-esteem.’
3. Over organising their day
In between after-school clubs, playdates and weekend activities your child has a LOT going on. Give them (and you) a break by organising less.
Linda says: ‘It's not going to foster their creative powers or their cognitive growth if you constantly give your children full instructions, tell them what to do next or offer them toys that don't challenge their imagination.
‘A study I worked on saw us give small groups of children different toys. They either had fully formed toys, ones that half worked or pieces of equipment they could build something with. The ones who had the most fun and focused for the longest periods of time were those who had to use their imagination.
‘This means the less formed your child’s schedule is, or the items they interact with are, the more you will spark their creative powers and their ability to plan ahead.’
4. Answering all the 'why’s'?
It’s your child’s favourite question. Especially when you’ve said no to a trip to the park or a friend’s sleepover. The good news is, you don’t have to explain.
‘When you are challenged you don’t have to give reasons’, says Linda. ‘It might sound old-fashioned but saying, “because I said so” is just fine.
‘A child isn’t really looking for an explanation. They just want to make sure you mean it.’
5. Trying to be perfect
From the immaculate mums on Instagram to the mates who seem to have parenting nailed, it’s easy to compare yourself … and not come out on top.
But rather than doubting your abilities, Linda recommends giving yourself a break and accept you are doing the best you can.
She says: ‘There’s a famous saying about being a “good enough mother” and it’s absolutely true. Your aim is to give your child independence. If you are perfect your child will never have the need to grow up and stand on their own two feet.
‘Try not to beat yourself up if you do get it wrong. It’s fine to change your decisions or reset the boundaries. (You'll have to do this many times as they mature.) But just make sure you do it during a calm time when you’ve got a clear head. No back-tracking in the heat of the moment! '
Why not read There's No Such Thing As 'Naughty': The groundbreaking guide for parents with children aged 0-5 by Kate Silverton. See more details here at Amazon.
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