Trouble accepting boyfriends relationship with his e
7 answers /
Last post: 03/06/2022 at 7:14 am
I’m having some trouble accepting the relationship between my boyfriend and his ex. They have a son together, one and a half years old. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 months.
There have been some attitudes from his side that I’m not too sure about. The most recents one are: he got invited to a friend of his son birthday party, he and his ex got invited, he didn’t go because he says it would give the wrong idea if they both went together, but he didn’t told me about it until after. A few days ago, he sent me a video with his son, that was sick and couldn’t go to school, at her house. They were both laying on the bed and he didn’t have his shirt on because it was hot, she was not home, she was working. I asked why he was there, and he said that sometimes he spends the day there with his son, and he doesn’t have a key but gets the key to her house so that he can go pick up his son from school, take him home, give him dinner and a bath and when the mother gets home he leaves, he does this basically everyday. That his son has his food there and everything else, and he only likes to fall asleep watching cartoons on the bed. I was in shock, this really took me by surprise that he does this sometimes (spend the day there), he has also fallen asleep with his kid at her house and usually when that happens he leaves around 9/10pm, and I’m not sure what to think of it all. Also some comments that he has made, for example one time he showed me a picture of his son and said “he’s really beautiful, takes it from his mother”, and on a picture he posted on Facebook he wrote “obviously doesn’t have his fathers face” (we are not friends on Facebook, I’ve seen it through a friend in common).
The rest of our relationship is great, but this whole situation with his ex is making me feel so bad. He says he only talks to her by text about their son, nothing else, but he sent her TikTok’s as well. I don’t mind at all if they talk to each other about the kid, but it seems to be something else even though he denies it. Like he’s trying so hard for them to be friends. I feel like he should have told me about all of this, and not just tell me when I “find out”, because what else is he not telling me? Is he not taking me in consideration when doing these things, or is it selfish of me to think like that because his son should always come first?
I don’t know, is this normal?
I have a son too, but he spends one week with me and one week with his father, and I rarely go to his house, this year I’ve only been there once. Ir was an abusive and toxic relationship, so for me the less communication with the father, the better, but my boyfriend’s relationship ended on better terms it seems, so he doesn’t mind being her friend.
On one hand I’d like to think it is great that he has a healthy relationship with his ex. His son is still very young and to be in and out of the house would confuse him and potentially unsettle him, if he has gotten used to that routine so be it. However….. my question would be, why are you not friends on Facebook? 7 months into a relationship isn’t a flash in the pan so that’s something I’d be questioning? Is it serious and does the ex know he is with someone else? Friends inviting them as a couple to parties? Do other people know they’re separated?
Have you both gone public with the relationship? These are the questions that need to be asked. If all of those last answers are yes then it could be that is just what works for their son. Good luck.
Hi I think it COULD be normal.... me and my ex have 2 sons age 8 and 11, we split nearly 3 years ago. He's engaged but still has a key to my house and comes and goes as he pleases, which is all good. We have our sons roughly 50/50 on pretty much alternate days and he leaves his work van at mine (no space at theirs) and still works on his cars at mine (there's an outbuilding). We split up amicably, I wouldn't really say we're friends as such, we mostly talk about the kids. He has no idea if I'm seeing anyone or not (I'm not! 😂) Hope this helps.
This could potentially be normal yes, my brother and his ex have a son and my brother will pop round and sit with her and her partner (who she has kids with) they offer my brother dinner if he’s there when seeing his son for a few hours and sometimes they all meet up in the pub (without the kids) and sit and have a drink and a catch up! But nothing is or ever will go on there they just are simply really good friends!
I do think it’s great when people can coparent this way but with you mentioning your not friends with him on Facebook etc, doesn’t seem right.
it seems like he’s still living there? From what you’ve described and maybe I’m wrong! And I’m sorry if I am, he could be having his cake and eating it too? Meaning potentially still being with her and doing the whole “family thing” but then having you on the side for when he wants you.
if he is genuinely being there for his child and they just get on well for him, I think it’s brilliant they can be this way but to me it doesn’t seem like he’s being very respectful towards you tbh.
not to mention there needs to be a better set up then this, he could potentially end up confusing the child by being there all the time if the parents aren’t together?
if it was me personally it’s better to speak openly and honestly with how you feel to him, if you bottle things up it will make the situation worse, best to get it off your chest and ask what the crack is.
if he hasn’t become public with you yet, suggest that you guys do become public, on Facebook! So everyone knows, his reaction or if there is any “excuses” will tell you everything you need to know xx
I'd say everyone has different standards as to what is normal- it might be normal for them but as you say, you had a different experience all together so it's understandable that it doesn't seem natural or comfortable for you. I don't think it is selfish of you to lay out what you are and aren't comfortable with- and of course that is up to you to decide what you think is reasonable/acceptable and ultimately what you are prepared to put up with.
Could you speak about it with your partner? Maybe if he knew you weren't entirely comfortable with it you guys could make your own boundaries in your relationship that suit you both? That doesn't mean him putting you first over his son, just adapting to having one more person in his life as well and taking those concerns into account. For example, maybe you could explain that you dont feel it is appropriate for him to be half naked in his exs house, which really shouldn't be an issue and should be really easy to respect. Perhaps if the boot were on the other foot he might not feel comfortable either.
Or as you're now 7 months in, perhaps if you were introduced to the mother you might feel less concerned?
Hope you can work it out as it is not nice having those thoughts. All the best x
I’d say it could be a sign that your relationship will be pretty great. He’s clearly making sure he still has a good relationship with the mother of his child when that’s a tough thing to do. It might seem like it’s more normal to be distant in those situations but if he’s trying to keep it normal and friendly with her then that’s probably what will lead to happy co-parenting in the coming years. Remember whatever happens she will be in his life forever.
its a situation filled with loads of emotions.
Unless you really think some kind of cheating has happened you’ll have a happier journey if you find a way to trust him and if you can bring her into your life too.
Personally I would be asking to meet her at this point.
As a mother I would prefer to know who is going to be around my child and helping to look after them.
I would definitely be supportive of their relationship over the child and just say when can I meet the mum? as I'd like her to know me before I meet you're son so she isn't worried about who he is around.
You could all be potentially great friends in the future.
My eldest was bridesmaid at my ex fiancé wedding. Him and his wife are actually taking her out for the day again today.
He isn't her dad but we are good friends and he is her God father.
We used to do lots together before covid.
So it can work and isn't totally wierd (although people do find our situation wierd) me and him split because we weren't working so would never go back their but we work as friends.
I hope you find the answers you're looking for x