3.5 year old hitting and pushing children at Pre-school
13 answers /
Last post: 06/05/2022 at 2:03 pm
Gemma C(1154)
05/07/2017 at 8:18 pm
Hi, has anyone got any experience with their child hitting and pushing other kids at Pre-school?
My little boy is 3 and a half, he started a couple of sessions a week in Oct and had a few issues settling in. He enjoys going but as an only child it has taken a while for him to learn to adapt to being in a wider group and having to share, take turns, different structured routine etc. He was prone to major tantrums and this seemed to peak just after his third birthday. At this point he would hit and kick out at the teachers in the middle of a tantrum. This phase seems to have passed and his tantrums have now lessened. However, occasionally he has hit other children and pushed them. Sometimes this is provoked, other times not. My main worry is that he is a big 3 year old and very strong so doesn't realise his own strength and has hurt a couple of children. The teachers don't think he fully understands empathy, and feelings / emotions so is struggling to understand the hurt he causes and consequences. He doesn't say sorry unless pushed to. I told him off when I got home today as he had been acting up and he burst into tears and was inconsolable for ages!
He is a very caring and loving boy at home most of the time so he is aware of emotions and feelings but in a wider group with other children he can act out.
I feel so upset and disappointed and I overheard one child saying 'I don't like him' and pointed to my son. It broke my heart that he may be disliked as he is a good boy 90% of the time but understandably some kids seem wary of him. I also feel judged by some parents but I have no idea what to do. His home environment is happy with absolutely no violence so I struggle to understand where the aggression comes from.
His key worker says that his early learning skills are all good and the only area he is struggling with now is 'personal, social and emotional' where he is in the lower age category and not where he should be compared with his age.
Any help or suggestions?
My little boy is 3 and a half, he started a couple of sessions a week in Oct and had a few issues settling in. He enjoys going but as an only child it has taken a while for him to learn to adapt to being in a wider group and having to share, take turns, different structured routine etc. He was prone to major tantrums and this seemed to peak just after his third birthday. At this point he would hit and kick out at the teachers in the middle of a tantrum. This phase seems to have passed and his tantrums have now lessened. However, occasionally he has hit other children and pushed them. Sometimes this is provoked, other times not. My main worry is that he is a big 3 year old and very strong so doesn't realise his own strength and has hurt a couple of children. The teachers don't think he fully understands empathy, and feelings / emotions so is struggling to understand the hurt he causes and consequences. He doesn't say sorry unless pushed to. I told him off when I got home today as he had been acting up and he burst into tears and was inconsolable for ages!
He is a very caring and loving boy at home most of the time so he is aware of emotions and feelings but in a wider group with other children he can act out. I feel so upset and disappointed and I overheard one child saying 'I don't like him' and pointed to my son. It broke my heart that he may be disliked as he is a good boy 90% of the time but understandably some kids seem wary of him. I also feel judged by some parents but I have no idea what to do. His home environment is happy with absolutely no violence so I struggle to understand where the aggression comes from.
His key worker says that his early learning skills are all good and the only area he is struggling with now is 'personal, social and emotional' where he is in the lower age category and not where he should be compared with his age.
Any help or suggestions?
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Gemma C(1154)
06/07/2017 at 6:38 am
Anyone??
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Leanne F(225)
07/07/2017 at 7:43 am
H
B [emoji170] 14.11.13
A [emoji170] 12.07.17
B [emoji170] 14.11.13
A [emoji170] 12.07.17
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Leanne F(225)
07/07/2017 at 7:50 am
Hi Gemma,
Sorry to hear you're going through this. I had a similar problem with my 3yo DS at the start of this year and have taken steps to teach him about feelings and emotions and he's like a different boy.
He seemed frustrated by the other kids and the routine at nursery and would lash out but didn't know why.
We found that spending more quality one on one time with him really helped i.e reading books at bedtime. His keyworker recommended some books which is a series of books about feelings. Happy, Sad, Angry etc.
We just read and talked about them each night and explained how hitting can be caused by angry and instead when he feels angry he should talk to mum/dad/nursery lady etc because hitting makes others feel sad.
We also started a reward chart called Kind Hands. We drew round his 2 hands on a piece of paper and every day he didnt hit anyone he got a sticker to put on his hands. It really worked and we still do it now.
Books were "Everybody feels..." happy, sad , angry etc by Jane Bingham. Hope this helps. We found once ds could communicate his feelings he was much better. It took a couple of weeks solid but it worked and hes not hit any friends at nursery since Feb and still likes to read his happy book and get his kind hands sticker. Xx
B [emoji170] 14.11.13
A [emoji170] 12.07.17
Sorry to hear you're going through this. I had a similar problem with my 3yo DS at the start of this year and have taken steps to teach him about feelings and emotions and he's like a different boy.
He seemed frustrated by the other kids and the routine at nursery and would lash out but didn't know why.
We found that spending more quality one on one time with him really helped i.e reading books at bedtime. His keyworker recommended some books which is a series of books about feelings. Happy, Sad, Angry etc.
We just read and talked about them each night and explained how hitting can be caused by angry and instead when he feels angry he should talk to mum/dad/nursery lady etc because hitting makes others feel sad.
We also started a reward chart called Kind Hands. We drew round his 2 hands on a piece of paper and every day he didnt hit anyone he got a sticker to put on his hands. It really worked and we still do it now.
Books were "Everybody feels..." happy, sad , angry etc by Jane Bingham. Hope this helps. We found once ds could communicate his feelings he was much better. It took a couple of weeks solid but it worked and hes not hit any friends at nursery since Feb and still likes to read his happy book and get his kind hands sticker. Xx
B [emoji170] 14.11.13
A [emoji170] 12.07.17
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Gemma C(1154)
07/07/2017 at 12:50 pm
Thank you so much for your reply. Your suggestions are great. They use the phrase 'kind hands' at school so think this will fit perfectly! He had a better day at Pre-school yesterday with no incidents. His bursts of aggression are luckily not frequent but I want to nip it in the bud before any bad behaviour habits are formed.
I wish I know what triggers it and the Pre-school are closely observing him but often miss the start of any altercations so can't say for sure if it was provoked in any way. His keyworker said yesterday that she doesn't think he does it with malice but that he just doesn't understand that his actions can hurt others so we need to build on his emotional development.
Kids are stressful!!! Sigh!
I wish I know what triggers it and the Pre-school are closely observing him but often miss the start of any altercations so can't say for sure if it was provoked in any way. His keyworker said yesterday that she doesn't think he does it with malice but that he just doesn't understand that his actions can hurt others so we need to build on his emotional development.
Kids are stressful!!! Sigh!
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Aimee B(25)
07/07/2017 at 2:01 pm
Hi Gemma, my eldest son was also a hitter it was awful and there seemed to be no reason for it, in the end he grew out of it and out of my three he is now the most kind, caring and thoughtful towards others. I would say for my son trying to teach him other ways of dealing with things other than lashing out, taking him to places where he will have to put this all into use so softplay and baby groups. When at the park eg we don't push we wait our turn and just keep reinforcing this, talk about feelings, happy, sad etc and perhaps get him a sticker for when he behaves. Just keep reinforcing his good behaviour and when he deals with something correctly really praise him.
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Gemma C(1154)
07/07/2017 at 4:23 pm
Thanks Aimee, that's nice to hear that your son outgrew the behaviour. How long did the phase last for? My son did have a bit of a speech delay but has made loads of progress in this area lately, so I'm hoping that as this develops further he may be able to communicate his frustrations in nicer ways!! I just get scared that other kids will be wary of him and he may find it difficult to make friends before going into reception class next year.
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Aimee B(25)
07/07/2017 at 5:39 pm
I'm not going to lie it was quite easily a year he was like it for, I had my middle son midway through so I think that didn't help then something just clicked and he had empathy and was a Lot more considerate. I think nursery will also help him a lot, I work in one and we have children that come in like this occasionally, some with learning difficulties and some without (many of these only children) I think it is more common than you think and I would try not to worry it's all part of him learning, as you said he is not used to sharing and he is just testing the boundaries and he will soon learn what's expected of him for some children this just takes a little longer. Is he doing the full sessions? I guess for many children going from being alone to a class of children must be quite overwhelming, what kind of set up is the nursery? Is it at the school? I would say defiantly his speech would have some part to play in this as if he stuggled
To get his point across he is probably getting frustrated so glad to hear he is making good progress. Is it just at nursery he is like this? It's also know boys are quite behind emotionally! Really try not to worry as I said my eldest is very emotionally forward now however his younger brother who is 5 and in reception still doesn't really understand consequences and empathy however his report today has said in this development area he is where he should be (I was a little worried tbh)
To get his point across he is probably getting frustrated so glad to hear he is making good progress. Is it just at nursery he is like this? It's also know boys are quite behind emotionally! Really try not to worry as I said my eldest is very emotionally forward now however his younger brother who is 5 and in reception still doesn't really understand consequences and empathy however his report today has said in this development area he is where he should be (I was a little worried tbh)
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Gemma C(1154)
07/07/2017 at 6:35 pm
He used to do one morning a week Oct - Dec then upped to two mornings a week from Jan then since Easter he does 4 mornings a week and the increased frequency has definitely helped. The Pre-school is in a building behind the school that I hope he will go to Sept 2018. I'm lucky that he has another year before reception as he's a December baby so hopefully he'll mature in this time!!
The Pre-school is just one big room so can be rather overwhelming and busy. He will start doing 2 full days from September and one morning. His key worker has suggested there may be some 'sensory issues' but these are not consistent daily. We were referred to a peadetrician a while ago to check for any underlying issues and they couldn't find anything obvious and will review him in 6 months time. But they did appreciate that the appointment was in an adult led environment with no other children so that area was hard to assess. We also have a follow up speech assessment appointment soon so I will raise my concerns with them too.
He used to head bang as a younger toddler and hit out at us in tantrums but I struggle to remember the last time he did this so must have been a while ago! Generally he has fairly good social skills, he smiles and engages with people, tries to get involved, actively seeks out someone to play with at the playground with no issues etc so the aggression is not there all the time and seems to be just at Pre-school.
The Pre-school is just one big room so can be rather overwhelming and busy. He will start doing 2 full days from September and one morning. His key worker has suggested there may be some 'sensory issues' but these are not consistent daily. We were referred to a peadetrician a while ago to check for any underlying issues and they couldn't find anything obvious and will review him in 6 months time. But they did appreciate that the appointment was in an adult led environment with no other children so that area was hard to assess. We also have a follow up speech assessment appointment soon so I will raise my concerns with them too.
He used to head bang as a younger toddler and hit out at us in tantrums but I struggle to remember the last time he did this so must have been a while ago! Generally he has fairly good social skills, he smiles and engages with people, tries to get involved, actively seeks out someone to play with at the playground with no issues etc so the aggression is not there all the time and seems to be just at Pre-school.
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She93cmt
15/07/2017 at 1:58 pm
In answer to
Gemma C(1154)
Hi, has anyone got any experience with their child hitting and pushing other kids at Pre-school?
My little boy is 3 and a half, he started a couple of sessions a week in Oct and had a few issues settling in. He enjoys going but as an only child it has taken a while for him to learn to adapt to being in a wider group and having to share, take turns, different structured routine etc. He was prone to major tantrums and this seemed to peak just after his third birthday. At this point he would hit and kick out at the teachers in the middle of a tantrum. This phase seems to have passed and his tantrums have now lessened. However, occasionally he has hit other children and pushed them. Sometimes this is provoked, other times not. My main worry is that he is a big 3 year old and very strong so doesn't realise his own strength and has hurt a couple of children. The teachers don't think he fully understands empathy, and feelings / emotions so is struggling to understand the hurt he causes and consequences. He doesn't say sorry unless pushed to. I told him off when I got home today as he had been acting up and he burst into tears and was inconsolable for ages! He is a very caring and loving boy at home most of the time so he is aware of emotions and feelings but in a wider group with other children he can act out.
I feel so upset and disappointed and I overheard one child saying 'I don't like him' and pointed to my son. It broke my heart that he may be disliked as he is a good boy 90% of the time but understandably some kids seem wary of him. I also feel judged by some parents but I have no idea what to do. His home environment is happy with absolutely no violence so I struggle to understand where the aggression comes from.
His key worker says that his early learning skills are all good and the only area he is struggling with now is 'personal, social and emotional' where he is in the lower age category and not where he should be compared with his age.
Any help or suggestions?
My little boy is 3 and a half, he started a couple of sessions a week in Oct and had a few issues settling in. He enjoys going but as an only child it has taken a while for him to learn to adapt to being in a wider group and having to share, take turns, different structured routine etc. He was prone to major tantrums and this seemed to peak just after his third birthday. At this point he would hit and kick out at the teachers in the middle of a tantrum. This phase seems to have passed and his tantrums have now lessened. However, occasionally he has hit other children and pushed them. Sometimes this is provoked, other times not. My main worry is that he is a big 3 year old and very strong so doesn't realise his own strength and has hurt a couple of children. The teachers don't think he fully understands empathy, and feelings / emotions so is struggling to understand the hurt he causes and consequences. He doesn't say sorry unless pushed to. I told him off when I got home today as he had been acting up and he burst into tears and was inconsolable for ages!
He is a very caring and loving boy at home most of the time so he is aware of emotions and feelings but in a wider group with other children he can act out. I feel so upset and disappointed and I overheard one child saying 'I don't like him' and pointed to my son. It broke my heart that he may be disliked as he is a good boy 90% of the time but understandably some kids seem wary of him. I also feel judged by some parents but I have no idea what to do. His home environment is happy with absolutely no violence so I struggle to understand where the aggression comes from.
His key worker says that his early learning skills are all good and the only area he is struggling with now is 'personal, social and emotional' where he is in the lower age category and not where he should be compared with his age.
Any help or suggestions?
Hi Gemma
Tantrums, pushing, hitting, kicking etc are all just ways that he is trying to communicate his feelings because he doesn't know how to any other way. So for example he maybe getting frustrated about something and not know how to tell the teacher or other children. He may not even know that he is frustrated and understand the feelings he is feeling.
Work on trying to help him understand his emotions. Talk to him about his feelings after he's done these things. Help him understand why he does what he does and why children don't like it. Give him strategies for coping with his emotions. For example if he is hitting because he wants a toy give up words to tell the child and tell him he can use words instead of hitting. Hope that helps. Shellie x
Tantrums, pushing, hitting, kicking etc are all just ways that he is trying to communicate his feelings because he doesn't know how to any other way. So for example he maybe getting frustrated about something and not know how to tell the teacher or other children. He may not even know that he is frustrated and understand the feelings he is feeling.
Work on trying to help him understand his emotions. Talk to him about his feelings after he's done these things. Help him understand why he does what he does and why children don't like it. Give him strategies for coping with his emotions. For example if he is hitting because he wants a toy give up words to tell the child and tell him he can use words instead of hitting. Hope that helps. Shellie x
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Can't find your answer?
Mel S(206)
30/05/2019 at 11:56 am
Just wondered how your son progressed. My boy is in a similar position now.
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Gemma C(1154)
30/05/2019 at 6:26 pm
In answer to
Mel S(206)
Just wondered how your son progressed. My boy is in a similar position now.
Hi, thanks for your message. My little boy is now 5 and a half years old and he is in his last term of reception year at infants. He is a completely different child to the one I wrote about previously. From Day 1 at infants he has never acted out, hit or anything. Perhaps it’s a maturity thing or perhaps he was bored at Pre-school. Who knows, but all those issues have gone now. He also has a baby sister now who just turned 1 year and he has such a loving relationship with her and really protects her. Don’t get me wrong, he still has his ‘moments’ like all kids but nothing like he was before. Hope this helps xx
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Dorcas A(2)
06/05/2022 at 2:03 pm
I currently have a 3year2months old boy and can type all this myself. He is a very lovely boy at home to us although the only child and just started preschool 2 weeks back for a couple hours. He has the same issue about pushing and not sharing with his mates at nursery and the key worker keeps hammering that everyday. Trying to teach him and feel lost sometimes. No violence at home. As your post was a couple of years ago, how is your baby, anything I can learn
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