16yr old daughter and 19 yr old boyfriend
5 answers /
Last post: 29/04/2022 at 8:52 pm
I have just found my 16 year old daughter partially naked in bed in our spare room with her 19 year old boyfriend. After a fundraising quiz in our local pub, I agreed to her request for him to stay in the spare room.They have only been seeing each other for just over a month, and although he is a nice lad, and my daughter is on the contraceptive pill for medical reasons, I didn't want to trivialise or encourage sexual activity between them in these early stages. I made it clear he was to sleep in the spare room and perhaps nievely expected both to respect that.
I have ordered her back to her own bed and feel betrayed and stupid. I know that it may be preferable to provide them with a safe place to engage in sexual activity rather than a park, his car etc, but it is early days in their relationship, and I guess drawing on my own experience as a teen, I was thinking 'my house, my rules'. Her boyfriend is still asleep in the spare room. Advice would be appreciated as to how to deal with a tense breakfast. 😬
I'm afraid that was going to happen and that's what they have been doing luckily she's on pill etc but I wouldn't of let them stay. I'd just act normal in morning and when he's gone have a chat with daughter about safe sex and prefer her to chat to you if she needs you . You know they are doing it so think you would prefer it in your home and safe then out somewhere but make sure she's using condoms too for sti and to make sure she's taking pill each day at correct times. 19 is much older then a 16yo don't think I'd be happy but as you know him let her know she's comfortable to come to you xx
I'm afraid that was going to happen and that's what they have been doing luckily she's on pill etc but I wouldn't of let them stay. I'd just act normal in morning and when he's gone have a chat with daughter about safe sex and prefer her to chat to you if she needs you . You know they are doing it so think you would prefer it in your home and safe then out somewhere but make sure she's using condoms too for sti and to make sure she's taking pill each day at correct times. 19 is much older then a 16yo don't think I'd be happy but as you know him let her know she's comfortable to come to you xx
Thanks Sarah. I had hoped they would stay in their respective rooms but perhaps that was naive. I spoke with both and let them know that I was unhappy with what happened.
My daughter assured me that it was purely cuddling and that she was not ready for a sexual relationship. Who knows?! She said that her boyfriend understood that.
I mentioned STI's and how it was her body and she needed to look after it, and never be pressurised into anything more than she wanted. She promised she would come to me before engaging in a sexual relationship. Fingers crossed I can keep those communication channels open.
Thanks for taking the time to reply
Tricky business this parenting mallarky isn't it!
Kind regards
Fran
Hi there! I think it is great that you want to keep a strong relationship with your daughter yet ensure she maintains healthy physical and emotional boundaries with dating. As a mom of two teen daughters, I know how tricky that can be!
Where was your daughter’s boyfriend living before? If he wasn’t living with you, where would he be staying? Since your daughter has only been with her boyfriend for just over a month, I agree they are definitely in the early stages of the relationship and are just getting to know one another. As a result, it may make sense to talk to her about her feelings about dating and marriage and what kind of qualities are important in a partner. Then she could use that information as a guide for helping her assess whether her current boyfriend (and any potential partners) would be a good fit.
I noticed in another comment, you said your daughter didn’t intend to have sex. Since that is coming from her, maybe talk to her about the importance of setting boundaries to prevent things from going further than she intended. For instance, if she knows she doesn’t want to have sex, maybe in addition to sharing this information with her boyfriend, she can decide she won’t remove her clothes in his presence.
Additionally, if your daughter is uncomfortable with having this discussion with her boyfriend, maybe you can help her write it down or even talk with the 2 of them together. I know it might feel uncomfortable or awkward but the more you can show that these are important discussions that warrant serious thought and discussion due to potential long term consequences (not only pregnancy or disease but broken hearts as well) the easier it will be for her to continue including you in these big decisions.
Hope things work out well and feel free to reach out if you need someone to bounce around ideas with or talk to.
Hi there! I think it is great that you want to keep a strong relationship with your daughter yet ensure she maintains healthy physical and emotional boundaries with dating. As a mom of two teen daughters, I know how tricky that can be!
Where was your daughter’s boyfriend living before? If he wasn’t living with you, where would he be staying? Since your daughter has only been with her boyfriend for just over a month, I agree they are definitely in the early stages of the relationship and are just getting to know one another. As a result, it may make sense to talk to her about her feelings about dating and marriage and what kind of qualities are important in a partner. Then she could use that information as a guide for helping her assess whether her current boyfriend (and any potential partners) would be a good fit.
I noticed in another comment, you said your daughter didn’t intend to have sex. Since that is coming from her, maybe talk to her about the importance of setting boundaries to prevent things from going further than she intended. For instance, if she knows she doesn’t want to have sex, maybe in addition to sharing this information with her boyfriend, she can decide she won’t remove her clothes in his presence.
Additionally, if your daughter is uncomfortable with having this discussion with her boyfriend, maybe you can help her write it down or even talk with the 2 of them together. I know it might feel uncomfortable or awkward but the more you can show that these are important discussions that warrant serious thought and discussion due to potential long term consequences (not only pregnancy or disease but broken hearts as well) the easier it will be for her to continue including you in these big decisions.
Hope things work out well and feel free to reach out if you need someone to bounce around ideas with or talk to.
Thanks for taking the time to reply Diane. Her boyfriend lives at home with his parents, and was just staying over for the night ( in the spare room) after a social event, so he didn't have to drive home only to come past our house again the following morning on way to work.
I know the importance of keeping those lines of communication open, despite potential 😳 embarrassment when discussing some subjects! Tricky times....