End of a 15 year friendship… help?
10 answers /
Last post: 09/06/2022 at 6:27 pm
Hello everyone,
My best friend and I have been friends for 15 years. We’ve been through so much together individually and have supported each other through it all. We share the same sense of humour and have so many incredible memories. She really is very special to me.
When I was 16, I had a really tough time with mental health and it is something I deal with every day. In fact, I was sectioned years ago and she was incredibly supportive and visited me and did everything she could to cheer me up. Equally, she has lost her lovely dad and I was there throughout that situation. In terms of my mental health, I struggle with BPD and anyone who has any idea about BPD knows exactly how challenging it can be. I have a horrible habit of shutting out the world when things get bad and not replying to people for a while. It’s something I’ve always done and my friends know this about me and are amazing about it. I’m one of those people who is incredibly fortunate to have so many lovely friends. I’m truly blessed. If I don’t reply for months even, they will message me every so often with a ‘just to let you know, there is no pressure to reply, but know I am here.’ That’s just amazing, isn’t it?
i don’t let these moments of shutting the world out effect my DD. In terms of mum friends etc, I always keep our play dates and push through and collapse late at night.
Now, my best friend has been reasonably good with accepting this over the years. But unlike my other best friends, she can get angry at me if I don’t reply instead of asking if I’m ok. She also has very strict rules when it comes to friendships - she’s very harsh if you cancel on her, she gets angry if you are at all late when meeting up and she basically has high expectations for friendships. I’ve always overlooked this because to me, our friendship has been so special that I’ve made sure I ‘stick to the rules’ essentially. My two other best friends are completely different - they could be at my door step and I could cancel and they would never get angry but instead be completely understanding. I’m learning that everyone is different.
recently, I fell back in to a terrible depression and didn’t message. The time in between was longer than ever and she has got so annoyed that she has told me she thinks our friendship has come to an end.
I’ve written a letter to send her to explain how I feel, how guilty I feel and how sorry I am for being a terrible friend.
im not entirely sure what my question is, I just needed to vent! X
Hi Jessica
We've moved your thread into our drop-in clinic - maternal mental health, so you can get the advice and support you need.
Hi Jessica,
I can hear that you are feeling really upset about this friendship potentially ending, but it sounds like you have done all you can to reach out and try to salvage it.
Your friend might need some time, but maybe you can give yourself a bit of a break - you have written to her and taken the time to explain how you feel.
The ball is in her court and you are here when she feels able to respond to your letter.
I am so glad to hear that you also have other friends that you have a wonderful bond with. It sounds like you are all very lucky to have such a good understanding of each other's needs. It is impossible to please everyone all of the time Jessica. Hopefully this particular friend will feel able to contact you again soon.
Katie x
Can I give another viewpoint? I know you’ve been depressed so please don’t think I’m being harsh. But it sounds from your message that you have not been a good friend and you seem to think it’s ok to act as you have done. You say your friend has high expectations of friendship and gets angry when you don’t meet them - I’m afraid I think your attitude is wrong. Your friend doesn’t have high expectations - they are perfectly normal and reasonable. You should treat your friends how you wish to be treated, and not sending replies/cancelling at the last minute etc is inexcusable and not how you should treat people, no matter how depressed you are. One way of combatting depressing is to try to think more about other people rather than focussing so much on your own problems - perhaps you could think a bit more about your friends and how they deserve to be treated.
Can I give another viewpoint? I know you’ve been depressed so please don’t think I’m being harsh. But it sounds from your message that you have not been a good friend and you seem to think it’s ok to act as you have done. You say your friend has high expectations of friendship and gets angry when you don’t meet them - I’m afraid I think your attitude is wrong. Your friend doesn’t have high expectations - they are perfectly normal and reasonable. You should treat your friends how you wish to be treated, and not sending replies/cancelling at the last minute etc is inexcusable and not how you should treat people, no matter how depressed you are. One way of combatting depressing is to try to think more about other people rather than focussing so much on your own problems - perhaps you could think a bit more about your friends and how they deserve to be treated.
I feel for you OP. It is difficult for others to accept illness and you will know who your true friends are. Stick to those that understand
I don't normally wade in but I was angered at Jess's post. As a sufferer of depression myself you often aren't in complete control of your emotions and actions, particularly during an episode.
I assume you haven't suffered yourself as if you think that not focusing on yourself and more than others is the answer. Many times it's because others have hurt you in some way that you feel depression and now OP needs someone to understand and focus on her problems.
I hope it's resolved OP
Can I give another viewpoint? I know you’ve been depressed so please don’t think I’m being harsh. But it sounds from your message that you have not been a good friend and you seem to think it’s ok to act as you have done. You say your friend has high expectations of friendship and gets angry when you don’t meet them - I’m afraid I think your attitude is wrong. Your friend doesn’t have high expectations - they are perfectly normal and reasonable. You should treat your friends how you wish to be treated, and not sending replies/cancelling at the last minute etc is inexcusable and not how you should treat people, no matter how depressed you are. One way of combatting depressing is to try to think more about other people rather than focussing so much on your own problems - perhaps you could think a bit more about your friends and how they deserve to be treated.
I do hope that you never suffer from poor mental health or depression as its not a nice place to find yourself.
It's not as easy as thinking if others and keeping all arrangements or replying as soon as you get a message. Its a very dark and lonely time for the person and they need friends around them that understand and are there for them.
OP send your letter to your friend as she may not know how much her friendship means to you or she may be suffering herself. Once she has read your letter hopefully she will reach out to you if she doesn't then focus on the friends who are there for you and understand that sometimes it'sdifficult for you to reply and keep arrangements
I feel for you OP. It is difficult for others to accept illness and you will know who your true friends are. Stick to those that understand
I don't normally wade in but I was angered at Jess's post. As a sufferer of depression myself you often aren't in complete control of your emotions and actions, particularly during an episode.
I assume you haven't suffered yourself as if you think that not focusing on yourself and more than others is the answer. Many times it's because others have hurt you in some way that you feel depression and now OP needs someone to understand and focus on her problems.
I hope it's resolved OP
Yes I’ve suffered depression which is why I responded. I didn’t contact my best friends for months on end as I was depressed. The thought of going out or seeing people made me feel physically sick. I disgusted myself. But with therapy and time I realised locking myself away and not contacting those who reached out was making my depression worse. Because deep down I knew it was the wrong thing to do. It’s a horrible cycle to be stuck in so I do understand. I wasn’t meaning to be harsh. I just wanted to give another viewpoint. Friends should stick by you, yes - but that doesn’t mean you can completely disregard their feelings. You don’t know what other people are going through. Being depressed yourself doesn’t give you an excuse not to care about how others might feel. I wish you all the best in your struggles.
Can I give another viewpoint? I know you’ve been depressed so please don’t think I’m being harsh. But it sounds from your message that you have not been a good friend and you seem to think it’s ok to act as you have done. You say your friend has high expectations of friendship and gets angry when you don’t meet them - I’m afraid I think your attitude is wrong. Your friend doesn’t have high expectations - they are perfectly normal and reasonable. You should treat your friends how you wish to be treated, and not sending replies/cancelling at the last minute etc is inexcusable and not how you should treat people, no matter how depressed you are. One way of combatting depressing is to try to think more about other people rather than focussing so much on your own problems - perhaps you could think a bit more about your friends and how they deserve to be treated.
Yes your viewpoint could be considered to a certain extent, in the same respect though you say it’s inexcusable to cancel last minute etc? OP is her own person? And if she feels this could potentially make HER feel worse then why should she push herself just to please others? If others aren’t understanding and there to support you then are they really a friend?
I have had a friend with severe depression and I can tell you now I didn’t once get angry with her or tell her our friendship had come to an end because in my opinion that’s just like a smack in the face and basically going “oh ok you cancelled on me or didn’t reply when I wanted till you to!? I’m not supporting you anymore then bye”
I too have suffered extreme depression after losing my daughter at 29wks she was stillborn, I shut out the world for months because I couldn’t bare anyone asking me questions! I plodded know for my children but completely avoided people otherwise. It’s lucky my friends didn’t react the same way OPS friend has otherwise I’d of had nobody!
people expect too much out of people and it’s not fair, OP can clearly been through a lot, her other friends can manage to support her? What because she’s cancelled last minute or not replied he to feeling low is HER choice, she shouldn’t feel pressured by anyone to push herself when she should focus on herself in that moment to help her going forward.
this might sound selfish but when I was depressed the last thing I thought about was other people! Other then my children, I just wanted my daughter back and anyone who mentioned her I couldn’t cope because it meant explaining everything all over again that had happened.
im lucky enough now to be in the right head space and I have learnt how to deal with my emotions but OP shouldn’t feel as though she’s done anything wrong here! Because she hasn’t, everyone deals with there emotions differently.
This is a beyond awful reply. Not at all supportive. There is nothing in that woman’s post that suggests she’s a bad friend. People are allowed to go through *****. Have time away A good friend would still be there waiting on you, whenever you felt better. Not end a friendship. She doesn’t need to be constantly stuck to her friends hip.
you’ve no idea regarding mental health,
thinkong less about yourself DOES NOT AND WILL NEVER be cure someone who has meant health issues.
It might not be the answer you want but perhaps she's right in that the friendship just isn't a good fit anymore. I feel for both of you but a friendship has to provide something for both of you. What are you getting out of the friendship and what is she getting out of it. You feel unsupported and under pressure and she probably feels ignored and unimportant to you and sad because she misses spending time with you. When people get upset at lateness/cancelling in my experience it's how it's made them feel about themselves. That they don't matter, that you don't really want to see them, that you might be doing something else instead. Insecurities have an evil little voice! Maybe at the moment she needs more from you than you can give as you need to care for yourself first. I would just explain this, kindly, and try to keep some occasional contact as things may change in the future. ❤️