Grandparents doing childcare getting complicated
7 answers /
Last post: 08/06/2022 at 11:36 am
Ok so I need advice and others perspective on my current situation.
I work 3 days a week, have childcare for 1.5 and my mother has daughter Mondays 9 to 4. 30 and Thursday 1 to 4.30. Collecting my elder son both days most weeks at 3. 30 from school. This has been a great help for last few months settling into a new job, however keep being made to feel guilty by her about expecting too much. Don't know how to feel about this since she offers?
We very rarely go out at weekends we're talking the odd 1 night out every 6 months where she has had them both overnight. Both times and most recently this weekend has said not to rush to collect them early the next day, and encouraged hotel stays and days out the morning after but then phoned early am for them to be collected. This was more difficult this time as she had taken them away for night 40 min drive and had not pre arranged to be collecting them from where they where staying.
Phoned 9am asked me to collect them, felt upset as same as last time despite being told 'no rush'. Said i would need at least an hour to get ready to get there not to mention being over driving limit from drinking night before. I was not pleased but said ok but 1 hour. Got very upset with me as says I should of been there first thing out of respect, and didn't want to hang around an hour to wair for me to get there. I Explained I didnt see this to be reasonable or even possible to expect given the distance.
Got very upset with me saying to get my own childcare for work as doesn't want to have them Sunday mornings (once every 6 months )and then again on the Monday for me to work. Called me ungrateful, said she has had her kids now didn't want to now have mine and that I expect too much. That I am stopping her having a life and even a full time job because of what I 'expect'. And many other insults suggesting shes always got them.
Please note she had decided to collect them 10am ish to take them out the day before staying the night as she had made plans, to then complain she had them for over 24hrs. That was inevitable in my opinion given the plans she had made.
Really struggling how to process this as I have always been grateful up to now, and never expect /demand anything of anyone. I thought she wanted to as had offered. And the mind games and hurtful comments are flooring me. I feel its acceptable to bot be feeling grateful right now after what's been said?
Now were not on good terms and I am waiting on news from childcare for spaces for 1 and half sessions. Where did all this go wrong. Thanks for any advice, opinions in advance.
I haven’t been through the same situation but empathise with elements of what you’ve said.
We rely on grandparents for half of our childcare and it’s amazing.
When we first started agreeing the set up there were a number of occasions when my mum got frustrated with me. Never linked to day to day pick ups but similarly when we had a couple of nights out. At the time I needed a break and felt frustrated in the same way.
If it helps now I look back on it differently. As the kids got older I realised what a big ask I was making and that as a grandparent it can be pretty stressful having the pressure of making sure you’re living up to the way your child wants you to help them parent.
Every situation is totally different but it definitely helped me to reframe the situation from my mum’s point of view.
Once I started to see that she really didn’t have any obligation to help us and reminded myself that she was doing it with kindness it all became much more collaborative. I think we started seeing ourselves as a team rather than her doing stuff for us. I started to make time for her again too and made sure to arrange things that would enhance our relationship.
I know when you’re in the early years stress it’s hard to see beyond that. I hope sharing my experience helps.
I haven’t been through the same situation but empathise with elements of what you’ve said.
We rely on grandparents for half of our childcare and it’s amazing.
When we first started agreeing the set up there were a number of occasions when my mum got frustrated with me. Never linked to day to day pick ups but similarly when we had a couple of nights out. At the time I needed a break and felt frustrated in the same way.
If it helps now I look back on it differently. As the kids got older I realised what a big ask I was making and that as a grandparent it can be pretty stressful having the pressure of making sure you’re living up to the way your child wants you to help them parent.
Every situation is totally different but it definitely helped me to reframe the situation from my mum’s point of view.
Once I started to see that she really didn’t have any obligation to help us and reminded myself that she was doing it with kindness it all became much more collaborative. I think we started seeing ourselves as a team rather than her doing stuff for us. I started to make time for her again too and made sure to arrange things that would enhance our relationship.
I know when you’re in the early years stress it’s hard to see beyond that. I hope sharing my experience helps.
Thank you, I know she doesn't have to do any of it. I think its the initially doing it with kindness and good intent to begin with. To the arrangements shes suggested, then it turning sour I am struggling with. Like this was your idea, whys it now my fault kind of situation?
Definitely won't ever allow overnight again, but as the childcare in the week has come into it too suggesing it too much help I guess I should arrange other childcare. I just know she will see it as me taking it away from her then and stopping her seeing them, so difficult to manage.
Hi NIcky
Having been in a similar situation, I understand your feelings. Something has been offered and then it has been taken away. I see that in the latest incident, your mother decided to take the children away somewhere from her home but could not quite work out why it would take you longer to get to wherever they were to collect them than it would if they were in her home?... If I have got this right, then that part of the situation came about because of her choice to take the children away in the first place. What exactly did she think was going to happen here?
I think you are right to end the overnight stays - clearly despite whatever it is that you have been promised, it just is not working out. I see that you are also looking into another source of childcare. Perhaps this is also for the best as well.
Sometimes, help comes with strings attached. It seems to me that in this case, help was offered to you with the provisio that that help could be withdrawn abruptly and with no regard to the issues it might create for you (you mentioned the possibility of being over the drink-drive limit the following morning). If your mother has taken on more than she can manage, perhaps she simply is not prepared to admit that and would rather try to push the blame onto you for being ungrateful.
Best wishes.
Also wanted to add that if she sees you making other arrangements for childcare as you stopping her from seeing your children, what does she suggest? Would she prefer it if you handed in your notice?
Hi NIcky
Having been in a similar situation, I understand your feelings. Something has been offered and then it has been taken away. I see that in the latest incident, your mother decided to take the children away somewhere from her home but could not quite work out why it would take you longer to get to wherever they were to collect them than it would if they were in her home?... If I have got this right, then that part of the situation came about because of her choice to take the children away in the first place. What exactly did she think was going to happen here?
I think you are right to end the overnight stays - clearly despite whatever it is that you have been promised, it just is not working out. I see that you are also looking into another source of childcare. Perhaps this is also for the best as well.
Sometimes, help comes with strings attached. It seems to me that in this case, help was offered to you with the provisio that that help could be withdrawn abruptly and with no regard to the issues it might create for you (you mentioned the possibility of being over the drink-drive limit the following morning). If your mother has taken on more than she can manage, perhaps she simply is not prepared to admit that and would rather try to push the blame onto you for being ungrateful.
Best wishes.
Thank you for this response, i have since received an apology and moved to paid childcare. Not really in the budget but much lest stressful!
Hi Nicky
Glad to see that you have been able to resolve this and that you have also received an apology. Sometimes being independent, even if it costs you money, is the best way forward...
Best wishes.