Just a bit of a rant
9 answers /
Last post: 06/06/2022 at 8:51 am
Apologies for the length of this, but I'm just ranting!
My husband booked me a night in a hotel, with a spa, as a mother's day present. To be honest it came as a bit of a guilt thing after I had to cancel a hotel night for myself.
We now have a 9 month old, who I absolutely adore, but don't have much of a support network and as my husband's work schedule is ridiculous I've had weeks at a time with him away or him working all nighters on deadlines. ..this situation is different from when we decided to try for a baby...he was at home working most of the time then.
I'm breastfeeding so all the night wake ups are mine and I have a baby who can still wake 3-5 times a night. I haven't had a night away/off since he was born and never get more than 3-4 broken hours of sleep a night. I know this is many people's experience, but still it's exhausting when it's mainly you doing all the days on top of that. My husband is great with the baby when he does look after him, but he's just not available that often.
So....I'd keep getting to breaking point with tiredness and we'd discuss me booking a night at a hotel because if I'm home I wake up with the baby even if my husband says he'll do the wake ups. A couple of months ago I booked one night at a cheap hotel around the corner for when my husband was back off a work trip. It ended up not happening because he said he didn't feel confident to look after the baby on his own. I was so upset as I'd really been looking forward to the night's sleep and ability to have a long shower. That was literally all I wanted and I would have been away 12 hours max and within a 5 minute drive if needed at home.
After an argument he booked a mother's day present of a spa break night in a hotel an hour's drive away for me to go on with my sister. Very kind, but not really necessary...the cheap night on my own in the local hotel was all I needed. However the date ended up being changed three times due to his work schedule (so he could look after the baby while I was away) and even meant a change of hotel to accommodate new dates. On the last change I checked potential new dates with my sister and she gave 28th May as one, which he then rebooked for.
So...we're here now and it's been a disaster. She's a massive football fan, I'm not at all. It's the champions league final and Liverpool is her team. She'd mentioned weeks ago she wanted to watch it with our dad but I couldn't change the hotel date again without losing the booking so said I was fine to go alone if she wanted to do that. She didn't and decided to come. My husband made a suggestion to bring a bottle of wine and snacks for watching the match in the room, which I thought we'd do but she'd looked up pubs nearby and we ended up going out for the match. The first pub was quiet and we had a seat but at half time she wanted to move to the pub she'd found out had people in. I agreed, once there it was rammed and we couldn't get a seat. She ended up getting quite drunk, I didn't as I don't want to be hungover looking after the baby tomorrow. The locals were cheering Real Madrid which she took exception to and started getting aggressive and abusive when Liverpool lost. I asked her not to and got up to leave...we're in a very small town, don't know people and I'm terrified it's going to get nasty.
We left and she was shouting all sorts of abuse at me over the match, me not letting her shout at people, forcing her to come away, cancelling twice but not this time when she really didn't want to come, and loads of other personal stuff...somehow managing also to say my husband was probably having an affair while working away etc, etc. This is nothing new, throughout our teens to 30s she'd get horribly drunk out and would get randomly abusive at me if I was there. She's been great and really supportive since my son was born and I thought we were past this...but there haven't been nights out with alcohol since he was born...so obviously we're not.
I just feel fed up. I love my son and obviously everything revolves around him when I'm with him. I love my husband but his work schedule dictates my schedule. I love my sister but she can be a really nasty drunk which I end up having to manage. All I wanted was one night of my own to do what I wanted, relax, recharge and be ready to give everything to my son again. I'm just obviously not meant to get a break!
Hi, I wanted to reply as can really resonate with how I felt after having my boys. My two are now 11 and 7. I had them at aged 25 and 29 respectively. When I had my eldest my husband worked away frequently and also worked long hours. None of my best friends at the time had children..wow it was a life changer. The first year or so are so very tiring. I dont know how you feel but I was very overwhelmed first few months then I really enjoyed being a mum and doing groups etc. Made some lifelong friends but it is still exhausting!! Even more so if hubby works away or long hours. If I could have been offered greatest gift when my eldest was baby it would have been just one night away to lie in bed, read a book or watch telly...and sleep!! I dont know if you have much family support whereby someone could offer you an evening to recharge but totally get where you coming from with your rant. Your evening off which you totally deserve was spoilt and no blame to your sister as if she doesnt have a young baby she prob doesn't even realise ( my friends all piled round half cut to meet my first baby as a novelty..had a cuddle and then all announced they were off to pub leaving me in tears 😂)..I got my own back once they started having babies. I promise you it gets easier..the tiredness will go..baby will sleep..you will get time to yourself again and rest! And also..your partner will just be working..plenty of people work away or long hours! Sending big hugs and also stand your ground if you need an hour or so. You are important too and a recharged mum is a happy mum. If your partner home and you need a few hours go upstairs and have a soak, read a mag or head out for a coffee xx
I'm sorry your going through this. A few small suggestions which have helped me as the "default"parent.
1) every Wednesday nap time was dedicated to me doing something I loved - crafting. No cleaning ect... That can wait for another day.
2) batch cooking meals = more time throughout the week when little one is napping.
3) get your partner when he's home to do the bedtime routine (read a book ect...) This has helped me a lot and has given me some time to just wind down.
Another option if your able to work/wanted to:
Someone I know works even though they end up with £100 less a year and their child attends nursery & her wage covers the fees.
You could maybe do 2 days a week even, then it may give you some adult time and some sort of normality for yourself. Also nursery tires them out a lot & typically helps them sleep more later in the week, from what I've seen & discussed with parents whilst working within these settings.
Or if your partner's wage allows it, you could even do private nursery 2 mornings a week (that's normally the minimum in a setting). Just to give you a little break.
Could you speak to your husband and mention how you would really appreciate just one night every 3months to have a good sleep catch up? Now that he has looked after the little one on his own.
Another option is, if it's affecting you that much -how likely would he change jobs to a more stable working time/not working away ect... So he can do a 'baby shift' every Saturday night?
Are any family able to babysit? You and your partner could go to a hotel together instead next time.
Sorry I know these probably aren't the most helpful, I hope you get some restful sleep.
Hi, I wanted to reply as can really resonate with how I felt after having my boys. My two are now 11 and 7. I had them at aged 25 and 29 respectively. When I had my eldest my husband worked away frequently and also worked long hours. None of my best friends at the time had children..wow it was a life changer. The first year or so are so very tiring. I dont know how you feel but I was very overwhelmed first few months then I really enjoyed being a mum and doing groups etc. Made some lifelong friends but it is still exhausting!! Even more so if hubby works away or long hours. If I could have been offered greatest gift when my eldest was baby it would have been just one night away to lie in bed, read a book or watch telly...and sleep!! I dont know if you have much family support whereby someone could offer you an evening to recharge but totally get where you coming from with your rant. Your evening off which you totally deserve was spoilt and no blame to your sister as if she doesnt have a young baby she prob doesn't even realise ( my friends all piled round half cut to meet my first baby as a novelty..had a cuddle and then all announced they were off to pub leaving me in tears 😂)..I got my own back once they started having babies. I promise you it gets easier..the tiredness will go..baby will sleep..you will get time to yourself again and rest! And also..your partner will just be working..plenty of people work away or long hours! Sending big hugs and also stand your ground if you need an hour or so. You are important too and a recharged mum is a happy mum. If your partner home and you need a few hours go upstairs and have a soak, read a mag or head out for a coffee xx
Agree completely with this advice!
Agree with the tiredness and emotional overload especially when husband away lots.
It does get better but depends on the child as to how long they take to start sleeping better at night. Take time where you can when husband home.
If you're not already involved in groups it's worth joining a few classes or checking local Facebook mums groups.
From what you mentioned regarding your sister, I'd say it's not just you that have experienced her alcohol induced aggressive behaviour. Probably many of her friends have too and they stay away on those nights out. Although, I understand in your case it wasn't possible.
Perhaps she thinks its ok as it's football, the idea that it's how your suppose to act when it's football and she's drunk so no responsibility incurred....though if so I don't agree.
It's up to you whether you bring it up with her and ask her.
If it were me, I'd plan day events with her and avoid alcohol but depending on the family dynamics this may not be possible.
I hope you start finding some time for yourself and feel rejuvenated soon x
Hi there,
OK - so yes your wife had the hard job of raising your kids and I’m sure deep down you are really grateful. As OP said don’t stoop down a level by bad mouthing the mother of your children. That being said - they are not exactly little kids anymore and continuing to give in to your ex is not helping anyone. You need a proper arrangement in place.
Leave the kids out of it and arrange to meet up with your ex in a neutral place like a coffee shop to sort this all out once and for all. You can’t control anything your ex does but you CAN control how you react to her actions and you can also control your own actions.
Contact the child maintenance agency and find out the facts about what you should be paying by law before you meet up with your ex. There is a calculator online somewhere if I can recall correctly. Explain that that is what you will be paying each month and what date you will make the transfer. If you can afford a little more then do so but the idea is to be consistent. DO NOT focus on what your ex is or isn’t doing - that’s not your concern. Concentrate on what you will be providing and on your own boundaries and keep the emotion out of it.
If the kids ask you for things then you need to communicate with their mother and find out the back story. Had she already said no to their request, do they really need what it is they are asking for and at what age can they get part time jobs to buy the little extras that they want. While I appreciate teenagers aren’t cheap - I have two myself - they do not benefit from being handed everything they want.
I can feel the emotion in your post and in reality you are causing your own stress by not standing up for yourself and sticking to strong boundaries. If your ex is as flaky with jobs etc as you say then this may help her to get the focus she needs to sort out her own financial house and not have to depend on you so much. You only have a few more years of dealing with this - don’t make then more painful than they have to be.
Hi there,
OK - so yes your wife had the hard job of raising your kids and I’m sure deep down you are really grateful. As OP said don’t stoop down a level by bad mouthing the mother of your children. That being said - they are not exactly little kids anymore and continuing to give in to your ex is not helping anyone. You need a proper arrangement in place.
Leave the kids out of it and arrange to meet up with your ex in a neutral place like a coffee shop to sort this all out once and for all. You can’t control anything your ex does but you CAN control how you react to her actions and you can also control your own actions.
Contact the child maintenance agency and find out the facts about what you should be paying by law before you meet up with your ex. There is a calculator online somewhere if I can recall correctly. Explain that that is what you will be paying each month and what date you will make the transfer. If you can afford a little more then do so but the idea is to be consistent. DO NOT focus on what your ex is or isn’t doing - that’s not your concern. Concentrate on what you will be providing and on your own boundaries and keep the emotion out of it.
If the kids ask you for things then you need to communicate with their mother and find out the back story. Had she already said no to their request, do they really need what it is they are asking for and at what age can they get part time jobs to buy the little extras that they want. While I appreciate teenagers aren’t cheap - I have two myself - they do not benefit from being handed everything they want.
I can feel the emotion in your post and in reality you are causing your own stress by not standing up for yourself and sticking to strong boundaries. If your ex is as flaky with jobs etc as you say then this may help her to get the focus she needs to sort out her own financial house and not have to depend on you so much. You only have a few more years of dealing with this - don’t make then more painful than they have to be.
oops wrong thread 😳😳😳😳
Hi, I wanted to reply as can really resonate with how I felt after having my boys. My two are now 11 and 7. I had them at aged 25 and 29 respectively. When I had my eldest my husband worked away frequently and also worked long hours. None of my best friends at the time had children..wow it was a life changer. The first year or so are so very tiring. I dont know how you feel but I was very overwhelmed first few months then I really enjoyed being a mum and doing groups etc. Made some lifelong friends but it is still exhausting!! Even more so if hubby works away or long hours. If I could have been offered greatest gift when my eldest was baby it would have been just one night away to lie in bed, read a book or watch telly...and sleep!! I dont know if you have much family support whereby someone could offer you an evening to recharge but totally get where you coming from with your rant. Your evening off which you totally deserve was spoilt and no blame to your sister as if she doesnt have a young baby she prob doesn't even realise ( my friends all piled round half cut to meet my first baby as a novelty..had a cuddle and then all announced they were off to pub leaving me in tears 😂)..I got my own back once they started having babies. I promise you it gets easier..the tiredness will go..baby will sleep..you will get time to yourself again and rest! And also..your partner will just be working..plenty of people work away or long hours! Sending big hugs and also stand your ground if you need an hour or so. You are important too and a recharged mum is a happy mum. If your partner home and you need a few hours go upstairs and have a soak, read a mag or head out for a coffee xx
Thanks so much for your reply, the solidarity helps!
I'm a lot older than you when you had your kids so not thankfully fussed about going the pub but the sleep was my dream and wasn't to be! My sister apologised profusely in the morning..she knew what she'd done, she has a 4 year old.
I know it'll get easier as he gets older.. at least I hope it will! It can really help to hear that though because in the depths of tiredness it can be hard to get perspective.
My husband is pretty good when he's here but he's working ridiculously hard, which I totally understand is for us...but sometimes resent even so. It is bloody tough, a shock to the system whatever your age, having a baby. But I wouldn't swap him for the world...so you just keep going don't you?! X
Agree completely with this advice!
Agree with the tiredness and emotional overload especially when husband away lots.
It does get better but depends on the child as to how long they take to start sleeping better at night. Take time where you can when husband home.
If you're not already involved in groups it's worth joining a few classes or checking local Facebook mums groups.
From what you mentioned regarding your sister, I'd say it's not just you that have experienced her alcohol induced aggressive behaviour. Probably many of her friends have too and they stay away on those nights out. Although, I understand in your case it wasn't possible.
Perhaps she thinks its ok as it's football, the idea that it's how your suppose to act when it's football and she's drunk so no responsibility incurred....though if so I don't agree.
It's up to you whether you bring it up with her and ask her.
If it were me, I'd plan day events with her and avoid alcohol but depending on the family dynamics this may not be possible.
I hope you start finding some time for yourself and feel rejuvenated soon x
Ha, you've totally got the measure of my sister. We were out yesterday for lunch with mutual friends and she was supposed to get a lift back with me but stayed out once the mention of more drinks was made. She didn't get angry out but did a really stupid text about a friend and sent it to the friend it was about...cringe. It's caused havoc and people aren't speaking to each other..all because she got really drunk again! Oh well, I wasn't out for that so nothing to do with me thankfully.
My partners a head chef so works 60 hours a week, and no family of my own, and my partners live far away, so I totally relate!
Can you join a gym with a crèche? That’s what I did! Obviously nursery is very expensive, especially if your not working yourself, but if you join the gym then you can get a couple of hours a week to chill in a sauna, hot tub, and stop in the coffee shop, whilst baby is cared for! Gives you a break and much cheaper than nursery! It gave me my sanity back when my daughter was little!